Back to Baseball

Fall baseball is well underway and thanks to Rowan's broken arm we are only juggling one baseball team's schedule, which secretly has been really nice. However, this season once again saw a big shake up in the Lake Monster's roster. I don't know if all teams are like this or if Zane has just been really unlucky as far as keeping a team together, but the Lake Monsters have frequent turn over. Last fall one of the coaches left to form a team that would travel and play tournaments. This coach was one of Zane's favorites, but not necessarily the type of coach I want for me kid. Thinks lots of yelling, really aggressive base running so as to make the other team feel miserable, and just generally not a good fit for a lot of the team.

In the spring the team was still good, even with the addition of two or three new players who had never played before. They won their division, there were trophies involved, all seemed to me. That being said we missed the last month of spring baseball and were really distracted by Zane's health issues for the part of the season we were there.

Over the summer it became clear that a few of the original players, and the head coach, were leaving to go play for the travel team that the first coach had formed. We have had multiple invitations to play with them, but that is just not something I am going to do to my kid or to my family for that matter. Zane has never expressed interest in playing tournaments all weekend every weekend and even if he did it's just not something we are going to do. This means that once a team gets somewhate good they either start playing in tournaments and we would have to change teams or the team has to get all new players and isn't good anymore. This all seems trivial and stupid, which in reality it is, but Zane's main goal through all he's been through this year was to get to be back on the field with his team. The thought of having to play this season, when we knew he wouldn't be back to 100%, on a new team, that didn't know him, seemed just crushing to me.

So I helped find new players, put feelers out of Facebook and encouraged one of the assistant coaches to step up and coach the team this season. Well turns out this might have not been the best plan. Zane has gotten to play in a Lake Monsters jersey, but the Lake Monsters team currently is pretty terrible. For half of the team this is there first season so they are thoroughly lost as to were any plays are. The other half of the team, sans maybe two or three kids, are the set of kids that have always been on the team, but who blatantly HATE playing baseball, but their parents are making them play. It's brutal to watch and Zane is frustrated by his teammates at times. It's hard to go from winning every game by multiple runs to loosing every week. There is no easy way around it, loosing is just less fun.

The first few games he was still striking out and getting really frustrated with himself. There was a day or two I thought he might give up on trying to get his swing back. Don't get me wrong if at some point Zane says to me, "I don't want to play baseball anymore." I would let him quit, I'm not forcing him to do anything. But to see him quit because he felt like he wasn't good anymore, because he had heart surgery, would just be terrible. I know he loves it. I know he has tons of fun playing it, but it's more fun when you get hits and are feeling good about yourself. So a couple weekends ago we had a come to Jesus moment. If you want to play baseball and it's no fun when you're not hitting, you have to be willing to put in the work to get better. Good life lesson, you have to be willing to put in the work to get better at all sorts of things in life. We can do hard things, don't give up!

I am so proud to say that Zane did not give up. He spent that weekend hitting hundreds of balls. Zach would through to him just as long as he'd stay out there. They went to the batting cages, had a little mini lesson with an instructor there. Then they came back home and hit more balls in the backyard. Over and over we said, "step towards the pitcher, don't step out, keep at it, finish your swing, you're doing great." Over and over he thought about quitting and staying inside. Before long he would be asking Zach to throw him more balls. They hit every night that week, before games he'd ask Zach to throw him a bucket of balls. The first game I got to go he hit a foul ball that rolled out of the huge field. Close, progress, almost there. He kept at it, fighting for contact.

Then on Tuesday he finally crushed it. From where I was standing behind home plate it looked like it was going out of the park. Turns out it was about five feet shy of a homerun. From where Zane was standing I think he thought it was going to go out as well because he watched the ball the whole time, as he was barely trotting to first base. I was chasing T and felt sure when I looked up he'd be on third. He'd only made it to first, but he was BEAMING with pride. "Did you see that mom." "Yes, son I'm so proud of you," I said with tears in my eyes.



Man it's been a long road to that hit. Physically he's four month post open heart surgery. When you think about that fact alone I cannot believe he's doing all he's doing. Before that he spent the six to nine months in heart failure, unable to play up to his true potential. Since surgery he's been out of shape, out of sync, and generally down on himself. His biggest issues were in his mind as of late and he battled through it. He worked so hard, of his own accord. We didn't force him to bat for hours on the weekend, that was his doing. We worked on not getting discouraged, but using his difficulties and failures as motivation to keep working. We practiced positive self talk and believing in yourself. Again all great life lessons and tools that will come in useful in all aspects of your life. 

He had a game on Thursday night as well, but it didn't start until 7:30pm so I was home with 

Thatcher and missed another two huge hits. He can play every inning now and he's killing it on third base as well. He came home beaming with pride. It's great to see hard work pay off for him. It's great to see him having normal kid problems and doing normal kid things. It's great to see him not exhausted and not crying after baseball games. It's a huge blessing that he's here, that he is healthy, and that he's happy!

Days with T at 18 Months Old

Thatcher and I are a little over a month into our new routine of days home with just him and I. The first few days/week were a big adjustment, mostly for me, in that my house went from mad chaos to utter and complete silence over night. I went from having two boys asking me what we were doing that day, what fun activity or outing were planned, to just one sweet little toddler content to do nothing all day long. I could almost hear the wheels of my crazy busy, insane summer, grinding to a halt.


This was a great change of pace, but frankly it was kind of lonely at first. Thatcher takes long naps in the middle of day, leaving me with sometimes hours of time alone, in silence. I know what you're thinking, that sounds amazing, and it is somewhat, but sometimes it's lonely. I'm not quite sure what to do with myself when there are no boys on my body. I found myself missing the big boys terribly. Wondering how Rowan was adjusting to school, was he tired, did he need a hug, just generally missing their sweet faces. The first few days I realized playing music helped and making lists of things I want to accomplish so as not to sit on the couch all day.


We are starting to settle into a routine and things are going better. We wake up in the morning and Thatcher tries to get all his cuddles in with his brothers before they go to school. I came out of my room the other morning and Thatcher was legit laying on Rowan's chest while Ro watched TV. Missing his brother's is the hardest part by far. On late start Wednesdays he gets more time to play with them outside and chase them around the house. It's a joy to watch them play with each other and to see how much the big boys adore their baby brother. Then it's time to go wait for the bus. Bus quickly became on of Thatcher's favorite words after school started. He says it all day. At the bus stop Thatcher sits with the big kids while they wait then waves his tiny hands bye bye as it drives off.





Usually the bus leaving results in tears and a sad little boy. My goal is to head to the gym as soon as the big boys leave. This doesn't always happen due to various appointments or things I want to do without being a sweaty mess, but for the most par that's the routine. Thatcher is quite the big boy, walking into the gym by himself, even occasionally allowing me to hold his tiny hand. He says hi to everyone we pass and makes all the old ladies days with his tiny greeting. He loves to wave at the birds (B's) as we walk in as well. I had concerns about him going to Child Watch by himself, but he seems to be unphased by it. He walks in by himself, not missing me for a minute. There is constant confusion at Child Watch over his age. Everyday is the same conversation with different people, "yes he's under two, yes he's huge," I get it. Then we toddle our way back to the car saying good byes to everyone we greeted an hour before.


That's usually all I have planned for a day, go to the gym, possibly get groceries. The rest is free to play and cuddle, sleep, and anxiously await big brothers returns. With the cooler morning we have gotten the chance to go to the park after the gym, much to Thatcher's delight, where we once again have discussions with other mother's about how he's not two and that's why he can't speak as well as they would think, he's just huge. Thatcher loves slides and swings and exploring everything on the playground. He's at the terrifying age where he is quicker than I am, can fit in all sorts of tiny places I can't, but also has zero common sense and would walk right off the edge of the equipment if left to his own devices. Our neighborhood has a new playground that isn't huge, no potential for fall to your death, perfect for toddle town. I foresee many a morning spent there this fall.







Then we come home, swing for a while if we haven't been to the park, get the laundry/dishes started, play, eat lunch, and naps by 11am. He's a great little sleeper and generally will ask to eat by 1045, which means he's getting sleepy, and eagerly requests night night soon their after. He rarely will let me get some snuggles and songs in before nap time, but usually he talks to himself in his bed for a  little bit and falls right to sleep.







Thatcher's own little personality has begun to shine through more now that I have lots of one on one time with him. He can be very laid back, sitting for ten or fifteen minutes just looking at the pond (no ducks or geese even on it) is a great example of this. He would swing for hours if I let him, stopping only to possibly change to a different swing, since he can use the big boy swing too, of course. He is strongly independent and at times seems so much more grown up than his brothers were at this age. He eats with a fork and spoon perfectly, he really is offended by his booster seat and would prefer sitting at a normal chair like his brothers. He climbs up to the top of the big slide unassisted, he will pick up his toys when I ask him, he will put away books, and even more amazing sit and listen to me read entire books for long periods of time. Maybe I just don't remember the other boys at this age as well anymore, but I think in reality I was excited and proud of everything Zane learned how to do at this age. With Thatcher every new thing he has mastered doing for himself is one step farther away from babyhood for me. Yes I cry about this often.





Our afternoon is filled with dance parties, more swinging, riding his tricycle, house chores, and errands. From the moment I get T out of his bed after naps until the moment the bus rolls up he walks around saying "Roro, Bobo, bus" over and over. He has started calling Rowan Roro or Roey consistently and occasionally even yells "AAANNNNEEE" instead of Bobo. He might spend most of his time thinking that Zane and Rowan are just hiding and he can't seem to find them. I feel bad about T's little life sometimes, always missing his brothers, always too little to do anything they are doing, constantly just on the outside of the action. I can relate to this feeling deeply. This was my childhood to some extent, but Thatcher's seems worse, since he's younger and his older sibling are the doing all the same things. There are times I have to just force Zane and Rowan to play with him. It's not that they don't want to or won't do it, they just forget he knows how to play. He would play catch or chase or wrestle with them all day if he had the chance.

Finally, around three forty we head to the porch. I never told him he had to sit on the step on the front porch to wait for the bus, but that's what he started doing and it seemed like a safe bet so it's continued everyday I'm home. We sit and wait, he says "bus, bus, bobo, roro, bus" while he spins his head back and forth looking for the bus. He is full of excitement and cannot wait for his brothers to get home. Luckily for us their bus has squeaky breaks so we can hear when it stop at the corner before our house. His little face is PRICELESS when he hears the breaks. Utter joy and excitement! It should be noted that Thatcher's wardrobe is made up of mainly Cardinals t-shirts, as are the other boys as well. As the third boy we've collected lots of shirts through the years from presents and some hand me downs. No he isn't wearing the same shirt everyday, we just have a lot of Cardinals apparel in this particular size.

I could make a book out of all the pictures I have of T sitting on this step, waiting patiently. I just can't not take a picture of his sweet little face everyday. There are videos too, I want this innocent little baby face burned in my brain forever. 









Then the moment we've all been waiting for, his brothers return, and all is right with the world.

This photo though!!!



He will do anything and everything his big brothers will do. As of late there hasn't been much time between them getting home and us having to leave for an evening activity (baseball). This means some nights, like when their are late games or Cub Scout meetings, poor T is stuck home all alone with me again, missing his brothers. He adores his brothers and lives for the times they get to play together, no matter how few and far between those times might be.

 This picture is like watching time pass before my eyes. T's chubby little face looks so much like Zane's at this age.



So that's what a day with T looks like. Lots of smiles, lots of snacks, lots of toddler speak that I can't quite understand with a  few words mixed in. We are learning our colors, what animals say, the names of his body parts, and how to use kind hands instead of hitting people. He rides around the house are various riding toys or pushes his shopping cart around for long periods of the day. He loves playing with his barn and Rowan's Nah nahs (horses). He has a heck of an arm and throws various balls/toys at me if I dare not pay attention to him for a minute. Every toy he's playing with and book he wants to read brings memories of the other two boys at this age flooding back to me. He brought me the Five Little Pumpkins book the other day and I burst into tears. I read/sung that book to Zane a million times. I was over joyed to get to share it with another little boy and he loved it just as much as Zane did. It's like getting to go back in time for a second and relive the best moments all over again.



These moments are priceless to me. Witnessing every new thing through another little boy's eyes is my favorite thing. With Thatcher I find myself actively reminding myself to be insanely present in every tiny, little, adorable moment. I love this age. He's old enough to play and be fun, but too young to have to really start disciplining. He's also to young to argue with me or fight with me over stupid stuff. It's just the best, most delicious age. With Zane I didn't realize how quickly it would all go by, and I didn't realize which moments would mean the most and stick out in my memory forever. With Rowan I was just trying to survive. With Thatcher, it's magic. I know what memories are going to be precious to me. I know what toys and games and books he will love. I've seen little faces that look just like his do all these things before and I get to witness it again. That's magic!

Hamilton Experience

I am admittedly late to the Hamilton party. My sister and mother became obsessed with this musical back in late 2015 early 2016 (I think). The play was just opening on Broadway to rave reviews and Mom took Abbey to New York in March 2016 to see the original cast perform right before the play won all the Tony's that summer and most of the original Broadway company left. To be fair they tried to convince me to listen to the cast album. They ranted and raved and I didn't listen because it is a play about Alexander Hamilton, the first treasury secretary of the United States, um no. I am not a musical theater type of person. I don't really ever go see plays. I can barely stomach the Nutcracker when I go to see it with my niece. Not my scene. So their rants and raves fell on deaf ears.


During this time my mother was volunteering at Zane's school, in the library, every Wednesday. This meant that Zane got to spend an hour or so with mom before school once a week due to late start Wednesdays. Then she would drive him to school and she would go volunteer. Zane loved this set up. During these mornings together mom would listen to the Hamilton cast album with Zane. Zane would come home singing "raise a glass to freedom" and other various things that he informed me were from Hamilton. Fine, again I'm not a musical theater person, and apparently am a stick in the mud, so I wouldn't get the cast album on my phone so he could listen to it with me. He continued listening to it with Grandma instead.


Flash forward to the end of 2017, we were gifted an Alexa (who will play anything you ask of her) and Zane started asking Alexa to play Hamilton now and then. My interest was peaked as I am a HUGE 90s early 2000s hip hop fan and I could hear lots of hip hop references from songs I listened to growing up. Turns out that was a big part of the inspiration for this hip hop historical musical. I still didn't listen to the whole thing and just agreed to let Zane have Alexa play songs sometimes.


Then at the start of 2018 things fell apart and I found myself in the car, a lot, with Zane driving him to doctor's appointments. I don't listen to the radio really so when we're in the car I listen to music on my phone. So when Zane and I were spending our days driving around to doctor's appointments Zane of course got to pick the music and every time his request was Hamilton. I gave in and this is how I finally listened to the whole cast album. Once you give in and listen to the whole thing you can't not be hooked. Believe me, I went in as pessimistic as they come, but it got me!


Of course it was amazing, the man who wrote it is a genius, the songs are wonderful, it's fun, we could dace and sing in the car instead of cry, it was a game changer during our difficult few months of doctor's appointments. But my way into truly loving the musical was the saddest song in the show "It's Quiet Uptown." For those of you familiar with the show you know this is the song that is sung after Alexander Hamilton's sun is shot and killed in a duel. (Yes, they were both killed in a duel in the same spot, a few years apart) It's the song describing the pain of loosing a child and the process of him and his wife "going through the unimaginable."

There are moments that the words don't reach

There is suffering too terrible to name

You hold your child as tight as you can

And push away the unimaginable.

This perfectly describes 2018 for me, learning to live with unimaginable. This was the song that played in a loop in my head. This was the song that happened to come on when we got in the car after Zane's February cardiology appointment when the unimaginable started to become a reality. I've cried buckets of tears to this song and now that I'm on the other side of the unimaginable it brings me great joy knowing we've survived it.

Imagine my surprise when the day before I finally get to see this musical that has been playing in my head/car for the past year, my sister says SHE DOESN'T CRY DURING THIS SONG?? What?? Everyone has a different moment they connect with I guess. Zane enjoys telling me that the line "the fact that you're alive is a miracle, to stay alive that would be enough" is perfect for his life, because of course he says that. Rowan's favorite line is "I'm young, scrappy, and hungry" also generally true for his life.

When Abbey said there were still tickets on sale for the show in DC, on days when she would be there for work, we made a spur of the moment decision to buy tickets. We had tried to go see it in Denver earlier, but trying to get tickets to this show is dang near impossible. Mom and I flew out on a Tuesday, stayed with Abbey at her hotel for work, toured a little bit during the day Wednesday, saw the show Wednesday night, flew back Thursday morning. It was a lot of travel and a very quick trip but to worth it.

The show did not disappoint. It was as gorgeous and moving as advertised. The Kennedy Center is amazingly beautiful and the perfect setting to see a play about the founding of our country. I loved the cast that we saw, though I couldn't believe how short the Lafayette/Jeffereson character was in this cast. I think you could see the show twenty times and see twenty new things. There is so much going on in every scene, it's truly amazing and inspiring and I can't wait to see it again....it's only a matter of time.

 We sat almost at the very top, so we had a great view of everything on stage. There is a lot of stuff that goes on up in the surround of the stage and lot of fun lighting things that we had a great view of up at the tippity top.

 The Room Where It Happens! This is after the show is over when I snuck a picture, no there isn't a Target commercial in the middle of it.



Rowan's 1st Broken Bone

Well Rowan finally broke his arm. I say finally because we all knew this was going to happen some day and all I can say is I am so happy Zane was not the one to break Rowan's arm. Rowan has itty bitty bones, his wrists are the same size as his one year old brothers. So I am sure we have more broken bones in the future.

The story of Rowan's first broken bone is that Monday, during lunch recess, he was pushed off the playground equipment by "a friend of his friend" (love this is how Rowan phrased it). The school called me and my first thought was "what happened to Zane." For a split second I had forgotten I had two kids in school and assumed Zane's chest was hurting. Nope, good news I have two kids to worry about when the phone rings now. They told me that he wasn't crying anymore and his arm didn't appear to be broken, he was moving it, and wasn't really complaining of it hurting. I took this to mean they were just calling to let me know that he had been pushed off the equipment and tell me what the real story was before Rowan came home and told me some kid was trying to kill me. The second phone call came around one in the afternoon when they called to tell me he was still crying, but wasn't complaining of pain, just was very upset that another kid would do this too him. "Is he really emotional," they asked. I laughed,  yep he has been a tiny ball of emotion since kindergarten started. I'm sure he's fine, I talked to him, he sounded emotional, but assured me his arm wasn't hurting. I got the third call around two, when his classroom teacher called to reassure me that he had pulled his life together, was playing, and wasn't crying anymore. Great all is well.


Rowan stepped off the bus and burst into tears. I knew this was going to happen, he burst into tears the day they worked on L all day when he didn't want to learn L, of course he was going to be crying after being pushed off the playground. Once I got him calmed down and took a look at his arm it became clear to me that it was most likely broken. His arm was really swollen and had a big bruise on the bottom of it. He also wouldn't turn his hand over when I had him reach his arm out. The swelling was up by his elbow so my immediate fear was that the break was in the elbow joint, which would mean surgery. God help me.


Zach and I took him to urgent care where he once again melted into a puddle of tears. It was a rough day, he was exhausted, and he kept asking me if he was going to have to be in the hospital like Zane. I'm pretty sure he was envisioning heart surgery as the treatment for his potentially broken arm. The xrays showed that he had a midline ulnar fracture in his left arm, at the very top of the ulnar, but it didn't appear that the elbow was involved. He went home in a splint/sling for the evening and we got instructions to call to get it casted the next day.



Poor Rowan did not deal with the news well Monday evening. This meant that he can't play baseball this season, his last season of tball. He had gotten to play one game, which of course I missed, and was really looking forward to this season with his new jersey. He was super emotional and needed to sleep with his Mamma. This meant I was covered in bony, long, legs all night while he tossed and turned.


Tuesday we went to OU to see the orthopedic surgeon. They got more xrays to confirm there was no break in the elbow joint. They said we could probably do a short cast if I thought he could be careful with it, not fall on it, or anything. I voted for the over the elbow cast since he has a ninety five pound big brother and a thirty five pound baby brother. I really just want to have to do the cast for this break once. Rowan was a great sport, he didn't cry and he repeatedly told me he was fine.



He went with the green cast because there are two other boys in his class with broken arms who have red and blue casts so he wanted his own color. He briefly debated a pink cast, which I told him I would support but did warn him that people would make fun of him if he had a pink cast. Kids are mean, no need to make your life harder than it needs to be. Oh and of course I vetoed orange, because orange is ugly. He was excited to have people sign it, Uncle Able did the honors first, then he had people sign it at Zane's baseball game that evening.


All and all he is dealing with it amazingly well. He hasn't really complained and had a great time having his friends sign his cast on Wednesday at school. We shall see how he does in the weeks to come. I'm guessing this will not be his last go around with a cast. I'm just praying we don't break the other arm during this month in the cast.