Ten on Tuesday

1. Loved yesterday with Zane. I miss him so much when I'm at work. On those days I see him with his eyes open about 30 minutes max. So I loaded up on cuddles.

2. Zane's new favorite thing to do is to have us hold him standing in our lap and then he will suck on our fingers and proceed to laugh. He likes to suck on his own fingers/hand too but it is so much more difficult to get into his mouth. If we are lucky he will talk to us a little bit while he is standing too.





3. Zane also loves his panda bear toy on his bouncy chair. There is a lion toy which he completely ignores while he has long conversations with the panda We have flipped some of these conversations, which are priceless. I love it because panda bears were my favorite thing when I was little.
4. In sad news I tried to have Zane wear his little sandals to Target yesterday and they are too small now. Sad face, I guess we will move on to our next adorable pair of shoes.

5. We are excited about Grandma Blakley coming into town tomorrow. She will hardly recognize our big boy.

6. I got to come home early from work today since I only had two kids. I got home, took a shower, and then my boys showed up. It was so great to get to play with Zane a little bit before he went to bed.

7. How funny is the look on Zane's face in this picture. I can just hear him saying "Mom stop taking my picture."

8. I think I have injured my right knee. Possibly when I was doing my extreme P90x. It is bugging me and standing up for hours at work isn't helping.

9. I can't decide if I am excited about OU football starting. On the one hand I always get excited and then soon there after heart break sets in. Trying not to get the hopes up again, but I know in about a week I will be emailing my friend Jeff (fellow OU alumni and football fanatic) talking about how we are going all the way. That will soon be followed by the email saying " dang it we got our hopes up again and now we are horrible, why do we do this every year." At least I know what to expect.

10. I want to say a big thank you to all the wonderful people I work with. They have all been so supportive to me since I started back to work. I know I'm not as fun as I use to be since I have so much on my mind, but they have been so kind and I literally couldn't get through the long tough days at work without them.

A thought on kindness

Everyone knows the saying " Treat others the way you want to be treated." My parents told us this on numerous occasions as a children, mainly in relation to some sort of sibling dispute. As we got older they would use this simple phrase as they taught us how to interact with our friends and strangers. There is nothing complicated about it, just to the point, be nice to people.

I recently have decided I think that adults should use the phrase " Treat others the way you would want to be treated on the worst day of our life or at a time when you are going through hardest thing you have ever faced." I know it isn't as catchy and not as simple so probably not good for the kids. But as adults this is what we should strive for. At my job I routinely am working with people who are going through the hardest thing they have ever faced and often on the worst day of their lives ( i.e. the day they child is diagnosed with cancer, seizures, or some other horrible unforeseen thing). So at work I try to treat my patients and families the way I had thought I would want to be treated during such a time. Often things beyond my control prohibit me from being able to make their lives easier such as when I have to tell them "I don't know when the doctor will be here," "No we don't have the test results back yet," " I'm sorry but your child will have to stay another day" ect. ect.

Recently, I have been put in their shoes as I am currently going through the hardest thing I have ever faced. And turns out the words and actions of strangers carry greater weight now for some reason. The simplest thing, whether it is kind or mean, hits me much harder. For example, after my long shift at work yesterday I accidentally got on the elevator going down instead of up in the parking garage. Not a big deal, I rode it down to street level and then back up to my floor. But after I hit the button for the floor and it didn't light up the people on the elevator said, " That isn't going to light up, we are going down" to which I responded, "It's been a long day," thinking that would be the end of it. But they said " Also, there is a big arrow outside the elevator that lights up showing you that it was going down." Why do you have to be hateful about such a simple thing? There have been other instances of strangers saying or doing things that are kind as well, but that situation in the elevator and a few other insensitive things said by strangers led me to think about the need for the change to the common phrase.

You can't pick out the people in a crowd who are going through something terrible or who are going through something amazing for that matter. And the simplest things you do or say to them, kind or not, could make or break their day or their week. I believe that everything happens for a reason and I spent a lot of time in prayer trying to find a reason for why my baby has to go through something so hard. So far I haven't gotten an answer to that and Zach reminds me that maybe the reason is for Zane to find out, not us. But this lesson has shown itself to me over the past few weeks and I am taking it to heart as something good coming from my difficult time. I thought I would share it with all of you, give it some thought. Thanks for all of your kind words and actions over the past months they have carried great weight in our lives!

Outside time

It has been blazing hot here with crazy high humidity since Zane was born. On one hand it is good because people don't have colds/the flu when we are out and about, but on the other hand it has led to Zane and I spending a lot of time in the living room or, on occasion, the basement.

This week we have had a bit of a cool front roll through with weather in the low 80s with low humidity so Zane and I have taken advantage of it. We took a walk yesterday morning, which I was thinking was going to be a leisurely stroll around the neighborhood, but it turned out to be a pretty good 30 minute work out. This evening when Zach got home we played outside while Zach grilled.

Zane really enjoyed looking around at all the new scenery during our walk, but the sun getting in his eyes did annoy him. Luckily there are a lot of trees in our neighborhood so we were able to stay in the shade for the most part. Mainly he smiled and laughed at me which made for a very enjoyable workout. This evening he hung out in his bouncy chair outside. Initially he looked very confused as to what was going on but after he took in his new surroundings he had a great time. He spent most of the time working hard on getting his hands in his mouth and I have to say he is getting better at it. I got some mosquito bits but I didn't see any on Zane during bath time this evening so I think it was a huge success. I can't wait for it to be fall ( well there will be about two weeks of fall then straight to snow) so we can go strolling around parks, the zoo, ect. Hope fall comes before his surgery!

p.s. It is adorable how bald he looks in the pictures we took outside since his hair disappears in the sunlight. Too cute:)

A boy and his blanket

Yesterday's positive post, enjoy!

As mentioned before Zane's magic blanket is a white fleece winnie the pooh blanket. Zach left his blanket at day care on Tuesday but luckily the back up blanket I had ordered arrived yesterday. I didn't open it until today because he was doing fine with the crocheted blankets and I started to think I was crazy for ordering another one. But while he was playing in his bouncy chair I got it out of the box and gave it to him. He was so excited!!! He hugged and loved on it for 45 minutes and would have longer but I had to change his smelly diaper.

He has started to try and put things in his mouth, for example he works hard at trying to get his little fingers in his mouth. He is successful occasionally but still needs some practice. He also loves to rub his little face on his soft blanket and try to eat it. This is slightly concerning at times because I'm afraid he is going to smother himself. I'm so glad he has his lovey back and that he can have one here and one at day care.

The video below is of Zane and I having a conversation while he plays in his bouncy seat. Zane and I have an agreement that Mommy won't cry if he doesn't cry. I work hard everyday to focus on what an amazing blessing Zane is and how much I love being his Mommy, instead of the many other stresses in our life right now. How can you have a bad day when this is what you wake up to:)

p.s. Zach posted another adorable video of Zane on his blog last night. Check it out here.

Can't catch a break

Today my goal was to post a positive about how much I love being a mother and the fun Zane and I have since usually my blog is a bit of a downer. However, other situations arose which screwed with my plan and has me very frustrated, so that is what I'm blogging instead, sorry. I do love being Zane's Mommy and we do have fun, I promise. But here is my frustrating story.

So when we met with the NP yesterday she asked us about Zane's eating which I feel has been slowly decreasing over the past week or two. We were thinking it was because he was getting tired due to his condition and was pulling away from the bottle more often. When we told her this she said that based on the anatomy of his condition he shouldn't be having problems eating and that she thinks he may have acid reflux. I questioned this immediately because he isn't fussy after or during eating he just takes breaks. Well were I went wrong was saying "he isn't fussy" out loud. It's like saying that it's slow on the floor at work, you have just bought yourself at least five admissions or some crisis situation. Today I became the proud mother of a baby who was fussy when he ate. He only ate one or two ounces at a time and got fussy during and after eating. After his first bottle this morning he threw up all over me. Super, acid reflux!! Poor kid he can't catch a break. He felt crabby on and off today and had multiple screaming fits which then lead to purple hands and feet which equals sadness all around.

The NP consulted with Zane's cardiologist and primary pediatrician who all agreed that it sounded like acid reflux and he is being started on Pepcid tomorrow. I hear from friends and family whose children have had acid reflux that this is liquid gold and will cost us around $150. This also means I have to go back to Children's tomorrow to pick up the $150 prescription. I know that pretty much every baby has some form of this and it isn't a big deal, but it was just frustrating to have something else added to our plate. It causes him to be upset more and in turn make his little heart work harder. Here's hoping the liquid gold does the trick and helps him feel/eat better soon so he can continue to get bigger and stronger.

The Saga Continues

Today we met with the nurse practitioner for the surgeon who will be doing Zane's surgery. Zane was doing well today and in good news his oxygen saturation was 100%. It kind of makes me question equipment some where and makes me remember that oxygen saturation is a very finicky measurement, but it's great that he is doing so well today. It's hard to not get excited that he is "doing better" when we know he won't do better until after he has surgery.

The NP walked us through what will happened the day before surgery, the day of surgery, and during the post-op period. I'll bare you the details but it is going to be a very difficult time. The day before involves a lot of tests; an other echo/ekg, chest x-ray, blood draws to do pre-op blood work, and meetings with the anesthesiologist and the surgeon. She talked us through what will happen during the surgery as well. The surgery itself will take 4-5 hours. During this time we will be given updates from nurses in the OR. Post-op he will spend 2-3 days in the cardiac ICU, with the first couple days intubated and on a ventilator in order to let his little heart and lungs rest. As a nurse this is possibly more disturbing to me than the thought of cutting his heart open. I have never seen a heart surgery, but I have seen kids intubated and on a ventilators. It looks terrible and even though I know he is on it to let his heart rest I can't help but think about the kids I have seen who were on this for much more serious issues. After the ICU he will go to the heart floor where he will be weened of the stronger pain meds, start eating again, finish is IV antibiotics, and get ready to go home.

It was a lot of information to take in and we still really have no idea as to when the surgery will actually be. He is still gaining weight and looks good. The surgeon has yet to weigh in on the situation but we do have an appointment with him next Thursday. I wish the cardiologist would never had said they might need to move up the surgery to the end of September. It was devastating news at the time but over the past week we had adjusted our mind set and had almost gotten prepared for that. Now we are back to looking at probably October some time, if for no other reason than the cardiac surgeon is the only one at Children's doing heart surgery right now so it is really hard to get on his schedule. I still really want him to have it before cold/flu season at the hospital which starts some time in November. We want whatever is best for Zane but there is defiantly a since of just wanting it all to be over with so we can stop looking at him and dreading what lies ahead.

Zane is worn out from the big day and has been sleeping peacefully in his swing for quite a while. It was great to get to spend the day with him and see his smiling face. I missed him so much yesterday!

Ten on Tuesday

1. I went back to work today. I got up with Zane at 4am and started my very tough day. I cried when I left home this morning but remained pulled together at work ( wore the water proof mascara just in case). Everyone there was super supportive and helped me get through the day. They even made me a welcome back sign ( thanks night shift).



2. I had really cute patients today, which helped. I got two pieces of art work and multiple stickers which is always proof of a great day as a pediatric nurse. I also played a mean game of guess that animal with a five year old and didn't do so hot. She was really good.



3. We are going back to the doctor tomorrow to recheck Zane's oxygen saturation levels and to talk to the surgeon's Nurse Practitioner about the surgery. Hopefully she can answer some of our questions and try to get a clearer picture of the plan. It keeps changing which is really frustrating.



4. I also have a doctor's appointment tomorrow with my new general practice doctor. Dreading getting on the scale, but I needed a regular doctor now that I'm not pregnant.



5. We are loving all the fresh fruits and veggies we are getting at the farmer's market.



6. On that note I made the best batch of fried okra I have ever made Saturday so I repeated it on Sunday. AMAZING! Can't believe I let Zach eat any of it, that is true love.



7. Mom is coming back up next week which will be good. I know she has been missing my baby.



8. Zane went to day care today for the first time and did great. He made a friend (who is a girl, little ladies man). They of course love him there and reportedly had a good time. Zach said he was all smiles when he picked up him which is good.


9. I am slightly panicked because due to a minor miscommunication between Zach and I, the magic blanket was left at the day care lady's house. I said " be sure to bring the magic blanket home" Zach heard "you don't need to bring the magic blanket home." I did order another one to leave there, but that hasn't arrived yet. I will probably need to go pick that up on Thursday.



10. In good/bad news Zach got him to sleep this evening with out it. He said he did enjoy his little lovey that the girls at work got for him. However, this meant that Zane was asleep when I got home. I think I will go pick him up. If he wakes up, I would love to stay up with him.

Last Day of Maternity Leave

Today was my last day of leave. I originally wasn't going to go back until after labor day, but I am going back two weeks early so I can have those two weeks of FMLA leave after Zane has surgery. I mainly wanted to hold Zane all day, but since he didn't know it was my last day of leave he didn't want to do this. He wanted to play in his gym, in his bouncy chair, and sleep in his swing. We ran our normal errands, trip to Babies R Us, returned a gift of clothes that were too small, and went to Target for more formula, a normal day.

While at JcPenny's, returning an outfit, he was in his Bjorne sleeping and the lady checking me out said "Oh I think that carrier is cutting off his circulation, his little hands are purple." I politely told her, "No he has a heart condition, they are always a little purple." This was a crushing comment to me that was really a reminder of where we are now.

I took a ton of pictures and flipped him doing adorable everyday things ( for those of you unfamiliar with "flipping" things, it is taking video with a "flip" video camera). I put him in this adorable outfit that I bought when I was pregnant. I only bought about four things the entire pregnancy because I knew we were going to be getting a ton of hand me downs (Thanks Abbey and Trina), but of course this was a 3-6 month outfit with long sleeves and long pants, so he hasn't worn it. Now it is too small but I had to get a picture of him in the #1 with the ladies outfit. I waited anxiously for the phone call from his cardiologist with our next appointment date until about three when I remembered I needed to be a pushy mother and went ahead and called them. No they didn't have an appointment made yet, but hopefully this will remind them that we are waiting to hear from them. They claim that they will call Zach tomorrow with and appointment time, we shall see.

Zane was full of smiles and giggles this afternoon after he took a long nap in his swing. He is so happy and smiley you would have no idea that anything was wrong with him. While he napped I packed his bag for day care tomorrow, which was very odd and depressing. Zach has to be at customer training early tomorrow so Zane will be getting dropped off at 6:30am, crazy.

This evening we had bath time, which he enjoyed, then he proceeded to vomit up the entire bottle he ate prior to bath time. So we had bath time round two and he went to bed without complaint. I went and dug out my pre-pregnancy scrubs which are tighter than I had hoped but I guess they will do. It will be good to see the girls I work with, but don't know how I am going to handle the 12 hour day away from my sweet baby boy. Wish me luck!

Scrapbooking

In general I don't scrapbook. I tried to do it in high school and it ended with me having my mom finish the book because it drove me crazy. Mainly it is because I am a perfectionist/OCD when it comes to scrapbooking. Everything needs to be perfectly straight and match. I also like to have all of my pictures shown so it stresses me out to pick what pictures to put on a page and I hate to cut them down to smaller sizes. I'm getting stressed just typing this.

I am not concerned about scrapbooking Zane's life because my sister scrapbooks beautifully and my mother-in law will be scrappoing his entire life, so he is covered. But I did want to have a nice place where my pictures were displayed at my house. Here is where my sister's scrapbooking talent comes in ( p.s. she finds it very relaxing, how strange, right).

(The picture to the right is one of the baptism pages and the on below is the first month page that Abbey did).

For my baby shower gift Abbey made me a scrapbook template of sorts. It has a two pages for each month, a page for major events ( i.e. Baptism, Christmas, 1st b-day ect), and one page which will have 12 4x4 pictures of just Zane's face, one for each month. The pages are all in a three ring binder scrapbook which you can also add pages that just hold pictures (this is what I currently do with my pictures). All the pages are basically the same layout, just with different paper, and it all matches. There is a place for journaling ( haven't done any of that yet, don't know what I want to write about these first two months just yet), and there is room for a lot of pictures. At first I wasn't sure how I was suppose to arrange the pictures, but when Abbey was here for her visit she did his first month page, the baptism page, and his first bath page.

Today I did his second month page and added his second month face picture. I basically just followed Abbey's lead as far as layout and in good news it was super easy and I love how it turned out. I put a page of twelve pictures in between the two decorated cute pages, this way I have about 20 of my favorite pictures from each month displayed. Here are the pages I did today. ( I took the pictures standing on a chair, not sure why, but that's how Abbey took pictures of the pages she did so I figured that was how it was done.)

Sad Baby Boy

At work one day when I was very pregnant there was a little girl, about two years old, who was super upset because her mother had run down to the cafeteria to get lunch. We had her at the nurses station trying to soothe/entertain her but nothing was working. As soon as her mother walked around the corner the little girl was as happy as could be, like nothing had happened at all. I turned to one of the older nurses and said, "I am not ready to yield that kind of power." To which she said to me, "Get ready because you are about to."

Now I'm a mother and like all other mothers I yield that frightening amount of power. In general Zane is a very happy baby. He rarely cries, and when he does it isn't for long. However, yesterday Zane got four immunizations and was very crabby all afternoon/evening. His little legs hurt and he just felt crummy. He screamed, cried, and his little hands and feet were consistently purple. I was able to cuddle, sing, hold, and comfort him through this and held him all afternoon so he could rest.

If Zane was an other wise healthy baby this day would have been sad of course, but not that big of a deal. In general I'm ok with crying babies, I make a living dealing with crying babies, so I am ok with them and pretty good at making them stop. However, with Zane's condition his crying is hard for me to handle. Every mother wants to be able to make their baby stop crying, but when Zane cries I can't help but think how it is making his little heart work harder, in turn making his condition worse. So we go get him before he cries hard at night, we stop the car and calm him down when he gets mad in his car seat, and I rush to his side when he cries at home much quicker than I would with any other child.

Yesterday, while he was screaming and obviously in pain, I couldn't stop thinking about how after his surgery the things I was doing to calm him down would probably make it worse. You can't just put a baby with a sternal incision up on your shoulder and walk around. I'm sure the nurses on the heart floor will show us some tricks on how to comfort him post-op, but the thought of this made yesterday nearly unbearable. Zach came home early so I could try to pull myself together. He did good over night and is better today, but I know it will take much longer for the pain to go away after his surgery. It breaks my heart. I would give anything to go through it for him.

2 month update

It's been two months since little Zaney joined our life. Some days I can't believe it's already been two months, and other days it feels like it has been an eternity. We have had another eventful month here at the Korenak house, filled with new adventures, visitors, and new milestones.

Today we went to his primary pediatrician appointment for his two month check up. No big news there as we saw his cardiologist on Tuesday and he is calling the shots. He did get 5 vaccines today, 4 shots and one oral, DtaP, Polio, Hib/H-flu, Prevnar, and Rotatequ. He did great with the shots, just a little crying, and came home with four cute bandiads. Really made me wish that vaccine shots was all he had to worry about. We don't go back to her until he is four months old so he will be post-op at that point, crazy and terrifying. The vital statistics from the visit are:

Weight: 13lb 3 oz (90th percentile)

Length: 24 inches ( 90th percentile)

Head Circumference: 39.3 cm ( 25th percentile )

As far as looks, Zane continues to look more and more like his Daddy each day. His eye lashes are getting longer, or maybe I should say they exist now, and his eyes are getting bluer, looking just like Zach's. He is growing very fast and has gotten really long. He has a long body and short stubby legs ( pretty sure that is thanks to his Blakley genes). Due to this my two month old is currently wearing 3-6 month clothes ( rompers mainly). While Jess was here we transferred his 0-3 month clothes back to the box and put his 3-6 month clothes into his drawers. This was harder to do since he wore these clothes much longer than his newborn clothes, so I hated to see some of them go. He still has his little birth mark on his left hand. I refer to it as his remember dot. Not sure what he is suppose to be remembering, but it's still there, though I'm afraid it will fade with time. Zane still has a full head of blonde hair with Grandpa Blakley's hair line. Due to his favoring looking to his right the right side of the back of his head is a little flatter than the left. Zach says he wouldn't notice it if I didn't tell him, but I can tell. Hope that goes away soon. We still don't know who he got his ears from, a fun mystery thanks to Zach being adopted.

He is meeting all his milestones right on schedule. He is much more interactive with his gym, reaching for his keys and his ducky. He is defiantly working on purposeful arm movements. He has started actually being able to grab and hold onto his keys occasionally. He hasn't mastered letting go of things yet which often leads him to being really excited that he grabbed his keys and then getting really mad when he wants to let go of them but can't quite make that happen. Zane will smile and laugh at us when we talk to him, which is generally the highlight of everyday. He defiantly knows who we are and we found out last weekend at the big Korenak get together that we need to be near by. He is getting really good at holding his head up with only the occasional bobbing/head drop. He really likes to stand up in your lap while you are holding him or sit up on your lap so he can see the world. He often gets mad when he is awake and I try to hold him like a baby. His swing has proven to not only be entertaining to him, but also puts him to sleep pretty regularly. He is becoming much more vocal, both with a stronger/more aggressive cry and with adorable cooing noises. Most of his noises are G sounds in some way. Goo, Gee, Gaa, ect... adorable or horribly sad depending on the situation ( he is playing in his gym and talking to me as I type this).

There are also some not so exciting developments. He has started to not enjoy his car seat as much. This started while the Richards were here to visit. He still does ok, but once he gets made he screams bloody murder until he is set free. This leads to everyone in the car being pretty sad, since the screaming also causes his little legs/arms to get kind of purple (there are always little reminders of our reality throughout the day). Zane now is easily woken up by noises around the house which is a change from the newborn sleeping through everything phase. In the past week or so he has started having more trouble eating. We moved up to the next level of nipples which he seemed to be doing great with, much less spitting up, and eating was going quicker. He still isn't spilling out as much formula but he is having to take a lot more breaks. He use to just take small little breaks but now, with his condition worsening, he gets much more freaked out, tenses up his body and pants for a while. Usually goes back to eating just fine after, but hard to see him struggle. Just in the past two days or so we have been able to notice that his hands and feet are a little purple and cooler than usual. It isn't really bad, but is noticable to me and breaks my heart.

We love him more each day and I'm dreading returning to work next week. I don't know how I am going to handle not seeing him on the days I work. I really like our daycare ladies but hate that I won't be the one giving him cuddles. Also, going back to work at Children's will be a constant reminder of Zane's condition and all that his hospital stay/surgery will entail. The next month is going to be one of the hardest months of our lives. I can't even imagine what his third month update will entail.
P.S. Cutest picture EVER!!!!!!

Ten on Tuesday

1. Today was a rough day. I've been through every emotion; anger, sadness, denial, shock ect. I'm exhausted and don't know what emotion I will settle on tomorrow.

2. Yesterday I got bit by a spider while in the shower. Yes you read that right. Classic Audra! I screamed, Zach came in to help me, and removed the spider with... wait for it... a piece of linguine. He said it was the first thing he thought of to use to scoop the tiny spider out of the bath tub. Hysterical!!!! We put it in a zip lock bag in case we needed to show the hospital when I went into cardiac arrest. Of course we googled it and it is a Sac Spider which they say is harmless. I haven't died yet so I guess that is good. Today I went and bought a new luffa for the shower, hopefully no spiders in it! P.S. I have never seen a spider in my house, I guess they were hiding in my luffa.

3. We took pictures of Zane in the little Cardinals shirt we sent Zach's parent's to tell them we were pregnant. It fits perfectly and looks super cute with this baby jeans.

4. I am trying to enjoy my last week at home with Zane. So far I haven't done what I had been planning on, which was holding him and crying for a week. Only done that for about an hour total, which all things considered is pretty good.

5. Tonight we went and got ice cream instead of sitting in our house and crying about our baby's impending heart surgery. I thought it was a better choice. Zach is currently working out while I sit on the couch. I may be fat forever at this rate.

6. It was a little cooler today with less humidity. I got slightly excited for the fall. Maybe I will be able to go outside again some day.

7. I'm sad I missed the meteor shower watch party at the farm. I miss the farm, it's my happy place. Can't wait to take Zane there, my happy thought at my happy place, it will be amazing.

8. We had fun at the Korenak family BBQ this weekend. It started out a little rocky when we woke up Sunday with no AC at Zach's parent's house. We changed venues to Trina's house and it turned out to be tons of fun. Glad everyone got to meet Zane, though it was really hard telling 30 different people what is wrong with him Zane, when his surgery is going to be, ect ect. Depressing, but glad we have so many people praying for us. Thanks!

9. Adeline absolutely loves Zane. She also loves being photographed, can you tell. She is such a little mother, it is adorable. She kept asking if she could hold Zane's head and I could hold his body. Aunt Audra didn't think that was a good idea, but she did hold him and did a great job.

10. Zane is starting to smile a lot more, he is so precious and such a happy baby! Here's a picture of our happy little man laughing at his Mommy.

Reality Check

Today was Zane's cardiology appointment. This time we had to go to the West County office since they were "fitting" us in. This involved a 45 minute drive in rush hour (stand still) traffic, with Zane screaming the whole time. But we got there at 8, for our 8:20 appointment and I had hopes of getting in and out since there was no one in the waiting room when I got there. Of course this wasn't how it went down. Dr. Murphy had been called into surgery and was just leaving Children's at 8:30. So Zane got an echo, which he slept through, I was sad thinking he is probably use to this procedure by now, and Dr. Murphy was there when we got out to tell us the results. I don't know what I was hoping for, I knew going in there wasn't going to be any "good" news in the situation, just news.

I guess some "good" news is that he has gained weight quickly and currently weighs 13 pounds. The oxygen saturation of his blood is down to 93% from 100% just three weeks ago. He looks the same to me, still pink, but this was a clear sign that things are worsening quickly and some of the deoxygenated blood is getting out to the body. The echo showed that the narrowing of his pulmonary valve has worsened and it has moved from just being at the valve portion to also being below the valve. This was not what we were hoping for. Now he will have to have the thickened portion cut out and have a patch placed. After the valve is opened and the thickened portion below the valve is opened the valve will no longer close appropriately. This means the valve basically won't be working. The doctor said that kids do well with this, but he will have to have an artificial valve placed as a teenager verses when he is in his thirties as we had initially thought/hoped.

Now the plan is to meet with Dr. Murphy and the surgeon soon to talk about and schedule his surgery for mid to late September. This came as a bit of a shock since we were originally planning on late October to November. I always knew it could be done sooner but now we are adjusting to the thought of having surgery next month. I left feeling sick to my stomach but at the same time I'm ready to have a surgery date so that we can have an end point in sight. I am trying not to dwell on it right now and just enjoy my last week at home with my little man. I guess this means I will only be back at work for a couple weeks before he has surgery. I am ready for it to all be over so Zane can start living a normal life and I can stop writing depressing blog posts!

p.s. To take my mind off of everything we had a photo shoot in Zane's new OU clothes. He looks really good in Crimson and Cream, don't you think!! BOOMER SOONER!!!!

Jess's visit

On Tuesday my BFF Jess got into town to meet little Zane. Of course she fell in love with him and we have had a blast having her here. Wednesday we headed out to see some sights/run some errands. We went down to Kimmswick and had a little levee high apple pie at the Blue Owl. For those of you who are not from the STL the levee high apple pie is an apple pie that is 16" tall and made using 18 apples. The pie got it's name after the restaurant was protected from the 1993 flood waters by 16 feet high levees. I have been there multiple times for the pie but had never actually eaten there until Wednesday. The food was really tasty and the people who work there are freakishly happy in their little blue apron get ups. We had a piece of pie and bought two mini pies to take home so Zach could eat some too. Leaving them in the car during our shopping that day did melt some of the carmel but still delicious. After lunch we went to the little shops around Kimmswick then headed to Kirkwood for some more girl shopping fun.

Wednesday evening we realized that most of Zane's clothes were getting too short and starting to bind so we got out the next biggest size of clothes box, but most of them are winter clothes. I guess technically a baby born in June would be wearing 6 month clothes in say December. So Thursday we headed to Once Upon a Child , after lunch on The Hill, to get some great deals on clothes for Zane. It's a second hand shop, but everything there is in great condition, probably helps it is in Kirkwood. We got him new jammie's, rompers, and Jess bought him some new Cardinal outfits so he is all set for at least a little while.

Today Jess got a new phone and we headed to Union Station in search of Cardinal/STL apparel for Jess. I hadn't been to Union Station in a while and a ton of the stores that use to be there have closed, which was kind of depressing, but we succeeded in our search for STL clothes. This evening we cuddled and played with my smiley boy and of course had to make a trip to Dairy Queen for good measure.

We have a had a great time and I wish I lived closer to my friends and family back home. This rounds out everyone from OK coming to meet Zane. I am so grateful that everyone flew out here since I couldn't fly home like I had planned. I know that they won't always be able to do that in the future and with Zane's condition I don't know when I will be able to fly home. I will really be missing Oklahoma these next few months.

Thanks Jess for all the fun stuff you brought/bought Zane. He loved getting to meet you and will miss you when you head home! Love ya!

4am NOT hooray

So after my glowing post about how proud I was of my little man for sleeping until 4am we had a night were he slept maybe 4 hours total. Zach was out of town and missed all the fun, but luckily my friend Jess was here to help me. Little guy was up all night, not mad at all, just awake and big chilling. He would sleep if you held him but as soon as he was put in his crib he was wide awake. The short amount of time he did sleep he was in his swing. I am not completely sure this it is safe to let him sleep in it for long periods of time, but it didn't matter because he never slept for a long period of time. I ended up with a total of about 4 hours of sleep, with Jess watching him from 3-5:30 and then coming back up at 7am to watch him while I slept a little more. Needless to say we are dreading tonight. Also, I won't be bragging about his sleeping habits again until he has been sleeping through the night for like a year. Pray tonight goes better!

4AM Hooray

For those of you who saw my G-chat status "4am hooray" and thought that I was being sarcastic and tired from being up all night, I am happy to report that I literally was expressing joy. Last night Zane slept from 8pm until 4am - HOORAY! There was an epic battle to get him asleep which ended with us both giving up and putting him in his swing where he promptly feel asleep ( I went to that weapon earlier this evening, worked wonderful ). I have never been so excited to have to get up at 4am. I did wake up numerous times before that to make sure he was still breathing in there, but all and all a very restful night. He even went back to sleep after he ate, even though I was fully prepared to be awake for the day at this point.

In other exciting news from our 4am adventure, there was a bit of a scandal outside that I got to be part of. Every night while I sit and feed Zane I look out the window and wonder what the people in the other houses are doing. Are they sleeping, are they having a party, or are they too feeding a baby. I some times hope that one night while I'm staring into the night I might witness some sort of scandal/exciting event ( everyone knows I love a scandal, always entertaining). So last night at 4:52AM, after I had put Zane back in his bed, a car pulls up and parks in front of my house. Of course my first thought was that it was a murdered. But then a teenage girl got out of the car. For the sake of the story lets just call her "Lisa". She walks across my yard to her house next door. I take this to mean that "Lisa" snuck out of the house earlier and was brought back by her boyfriend at 4:52AM. If I am just guessing that she is 17 and makes her own (bad) decisions!!! Good times! That is about all the more scandalise of thing I really want happening in my neighborhood, purely entertaining!

p.s. Zane went on to sleep until 6:45 and had a great day out with me and Auntie Jess. I started my day off at the Lab place getting stuck FOUR TIMES in order to do the stupid blood work so we can get a discount on our insurance. Seriously not good to take 4 sticks to get blood from a pediatric nurse. By the third stick I even showed the lady a good vein and she didn't believe me. Not a good start to my day!

Welcome to the World

My friend Dani had her baby boy on our anniversary, August 5th. She didn't know what she was having but of course she had a boy because it boy season. So welcome to the world Anderson Philip Turner. He weighed in at 7lb 14oz 20.5 inches long. Mommy and baby are doing well.
Congrats to the Turner family! We can't wait to meet your little man.

Ten on Tuesday

1. My friend Jess arrived this AM from Oklahoma. We go way back to high school and have been through so much together. I'm glad she could come and meet Zane since I won't be able to fly home for a long time. Also, Zach is going to Chicago Wednesday for his job so she can keep us company while he is gone.

2. Sunday our friends Sarah and Andy dropped by to meet Zane. They brought us a delicious dinner and it was great to get to catch up with them and see their adorable growing boy. Thanks guys!

3. Last night I made a stepping stone which originally was going to be for my mom, but after seeing how good it turned out I may have to keep it for myself and make mom a better one.

4. Zach and I had a restful weekend at home. We briefly ventured out on Saturday to go to the Soulard Farmers Market. We had never been and had no idea how huge it was. There was tons of fresh fruits and vegetables and a lot of other random things for sale. We left with some new potatoes, cherries, lettuce, and corn. Sadly I couldn't find fresh peas so I had to use frozen peas in my cream peas and potatoes recipe. Don't worry it turned out wonderful.

5. While at the farmers market we had a stranger comment on how much Zane looked like Zach. He was in the Bjorne at the time so pretty remarkable that even with most of his face hidden a stranger could tell he is Zach's mini me.

6. I have started trying to"workout" some each day. It is a challenge on multiple fronts. First of all I'm horribly out of shape and secondly Zane hasn't been cooperating with this plan very well. The main goal is to get the heart rate elevated for at least 30-45 minutes and I have made that happen four out of the past five days by mainly walking on the treadmill downstairs. It's a start!

7. We hated that we couldn't be at Maggie's party this weekend, but she appeared to have a great time at all of her parties. Yes she had three different parties. She is a very loved little girl!

8. I am starting to seriously dread returning to work. I do miss the people I work with but I cry at the thought of leaving my little guy with some one else. It is going to be really hard to take care of other people's sick babies given Zane's situation. Being at that hospital will be a constant reminder of what we will be going through soon. Also, I'm not really confident I remember how to do my job.

9. Zach and I had a great time on our dinner date for our anniversary. The initial restaurant we had planned to eat at was a little family owned Italian restaurant which sadly had gone out of business. So we ate at The 54th Street Grill which turned out to be really good. We watched Dinner for Schmucks which was tons of fun!

10. We go back to both doctors next week. It's been nice to be able to wait a little longer between visits. I am trying to enjoy this week without any appointments but I can't help but dread what they will tell us next week.

Sleepy time

I thought maybe I should document Zane's sleeping patterns or lack there of for posterity. He is not on any form of a schedule, largely due to a lack of trying, but also do to his large range of sleeping patterns. Some days he is up all day, playing in his gym, cuddling, in his swing, and all together fighting going to sleep. This leads to a crabby baby come about 5:45. This time sadly coincides with Zach's arrival home so sometimes Zach thinks that Zane isn't happy to see him. This is not the case, but I hate that the little time Zach gets to spend with him on these days he is so crabby.

Some days he takes a bunch of little naps lasting at max 15 to 20 minutes. These are usually the days, like today, that I am exhausted and try to adopt the 'sleep when the baby sleeps' theory. So I get him to sleep, creep into his room, lay him down ever so gently, and then tip toe to my bed. About the time I get nice and cozy and about to fall asleep he screams. Zane in general doesn't wake up screaming, he is more of a grunting, squirming, work up to a scream kind of guy. But on these days he is a screamer. So I drag myself in there to find him adorably playing in his crib. He will fall asleep again soon and the whole process starts over. We occasionally nap in the chair together but that rarely lasts long either. Recently this same pattern has started when I try to get him to sleep through my "workouts" ( a.k.a. walking on the treadmill). He screams as soon as I open the door to the basement. Smart little guy!

Then there are days where he sleeps a lot. These are usually when there are a lot of people around. So for those of you who were reading the above paragraphs and thinking "Audra's crazy, he sleeps all the time, I can't get him to open his eyes when I'm there, " you are right he does this when there is a crowd. Or even just the weekend when Zach's here he seems to sleep much more. This is frustrating since these are the times when there actually is someone else there to watch him/play with him while I nap.

At night he has gotten better as far as how long he sleeps at a time but he still struggles with going back to sleep. As it stands he usually is asleep by at the latest 8:00pm and sleeps until around 12 or 1am. Then he wakes up again between 3:30 and 5am. Sometimes he eats and goes right back to sleep. That is fantastic, except when he doesn't burp and we all know how that ends.

However, more often than not he takes at least one of these opportunities to have a little late night party! The standing rule with us is that if you have been up for an hour and a half to two hours the other person comes in and takes over. Everyone's sanity is saved and we have come to except the fact that sometimes it just takes the other person to get him to sleep. Last week there was a night where I woke up and realized Zach had been in there for 2 hours and I should go rescue him. I walk in and it is obvious that Zach has given up trying to put him to sleep. Zane is sitting up in his lap looking out at his room. When I walk in his little face lights up, he giggles and smiles as if to say "mom great to see you, welcome to the party." I couldn't help but laugh. Zach probably didn't find it as amusing but it was adorable non the less. We are grateful that during these late night parties he is generally happy and not screaming the entire time.

Usually he wakes up for the morning anywhere between 6 and 7 which is totally fine unless this time rolls around and he has never gone to sleep from the 4:00 feed. It happens and those are rough days. All and all he does fine and we are managing it. He recently has found a magic blanket, which sadly isn't any of the numerous home made blankets he has. It is a super soft white fleece Winnie the Pooh blanket, which makes him very sleepy the moment he feels it. The picture to the right is him on his magic blanket shortly after waking up. Maybe we can convince him to be a crochet blanket baby yet, I'm still trying.

My pathetic garden

For those of you who don't know, I grew up on a farm in N.W. Oklahoma. Every summer we had a massive garden with every veggie you can imagine. We ate fresh vegetable everyday. My favorites being fried okra, fried squash, fresh tomatoes ( preferably with cottage cheese), sweet corn, and new potatoes and peas ( fresh peas alone are pretty fantastic as well).

I realize now how much I took these delicious vegetables for granted. Now that I live away from home I rarely get to enjoy these favorite foods. I try to recreate them on occasion but I have yet to be able to make any of them taste as good as when Mom cooked them. However, every summer since I have been married I have tried to grow some sort of vegetable. At our last apartment I grew tomatoes in our three foot by two foot little plot of dirt and they did pretty well. I tried to grow squash and peppers in a pot, but both of them died before we got any produce.

When we bought our house I was super excited about having a backyard where I could grow veggies in the summer. So when spring came around we bought two kits to build miniature raised beds so we could have a real garden. The kits, dirt, plants ect. were not cheap, but I was excited about my gardening adventure. When Mom came to visit in April we planted garlic, onions, beats, carrots and lettuce in one bed and later Zach and I planted tomatoes, peppers, and squash in the other bed. I had very high hopes for everything.

Turns out I'm not that great of a gardener. Part of my problem could have been that right around the time things should have started to produce something I was had a baby and all the drama that followed. But to date we have had 3 tomatoes, one squash ( both squash plants have since died), 10 beats ( the largest being maybe an inch long, all eaten this evening), lettuce for one salad and a couple sandwiches ( Peter Rabbit got the best of this ),and Abbey claims to have used some of our carrots and onions in her cooking last week. The pepper plants look great but have produced zero peppers. The garlic made maybe one clove per plant, hardly worth digging around to try to find them.

We did plant herbs around the edge of an existing flower bed and those little plants have done well. We have used them a lot and it is super fun to go cut fresh herbs while cooking. But other than that I feel that I am a pretty miserable gardener. I am currently debating if I should try again next year or just save my money and go to the farmers market.

Birthday Buddies

Here is Zane with his birthday buddy Jen. She is a friend of mine from work and was the first person at my job to find out I was pregnant. This was mainly due to the fact that she would ask me everyday " are you pregnant yet?" She quite possibly was more excited about it than I was at the time since I was feeling so crummy.

Jen was super supportive through out my pregnancy and lobbied hard for me to have Zane on her birthday. As I was getting settled into my hospital room I got a text message from Jen saying "Have your baby today so we can have the same birthday" to which I replied, " I am literally working on it."

Jen came over the other day to finally meet Zane. She has been trying to find a time to come see him since we got home, but with our crazy schedules we just got around to it. We had a wonderful visit and of course she fell in love with Zane. How could you not? Thanks for coming to visit Jen. I'm glad Zane gets to share his b-day with such an awesome person!

Happy Birthday Maggie Jewel

Today is not only my 4th wedding anniversary but it is also Maggie J's 1st birthday. Maggie is such a bright light in my life. She is a big ball of cuddles and love. I adored having her here last week with her constant smiles, giggles, dimples, pats, and happiness.

She is named after my Grandma Dotter, Alice Jewel, and after spending a few days with her I see that she is truly Grandma Dotter's name sake. She is constantly on the move, having numerous things she needs to do/see all the time, not unlike Grandma. Also like Grandma, she loves to pat everyone and does so extremely gently for a one year old. She even pats herself if no one else is around. Turns out the pats and love of a baby are amazingly comforting even though rationally I know she has no idea what is going on in my life. Another trait she shares with Grandma Dotter is her love for baby boys. She loves Zane and checked on him all the time while she was here. I know Grandma Dotter would have loved my little man .

So Miss M. I'm so sorry I can't be there for your birthday and your party. I love you so much. Happy 1st Birthday, hugs and kisses from your Aunt Audra, Uncle Zach, and Cousin Zane!!!

Four Years Later

It has been four years since Zach and I got married. We have been through so much in the past four years but probably no year was quite as eventful as this past one. Last year at this time we were in the Bahamas with literally not a care in the world. Our second niece was just born and I was on the beach, what a perfect anniversary.

Over the past year so many things have changed. We bought a house, got pregnant, lived through a pretty miserable pregnancy, and then we were dealt the biggest challenge of our marriage so far. We are still in the midst of that last part, but our marriage is stronger than ever. Zach has been amazing through the struggles and hard times of the past couple months. I cannot imagine going through this with anyone else. He is our rock, though he too his moments where he breaks down at the thought of what lies ahead. Over all we have laughed more than we have cried in the past four years which is always the goal.

It's hard to believe that what a started as a random meeting at a BETA Convention has turned into our amazing life. I thank God daily for bringing us together and giving us the strength to get through the four years we were apart. Four years later and I'm still excited that I get to see him everyday. I often look at Zane and think of how many times we were so close to giving up and if we had our little miracle wouldn't exist. He is going to do something special with his life, that's for sure.

Now for a run down of some random highlights of the past four years in no particular order:

1. We have bought three cars, but only have two currently ( all of them black of course )

2. Two big screen TVs - love them!

3. We lived in three different apartments

4. One house - love it as well, has enough room for tons of people to stay so drop by anytime

5. The number of nieces/nephews we have has tripled since we got married. ( This technically wasn't our doing, but still a big highlight ) We only had two nephews when we got married and now we have two nieces and 4 nephews. Way to go Trina and Abbey, we love being Aunts and Uncles!

6. The Cardinals won a World Series, soon to win another one, right?

7. The Sooners went to one National Championship and lost one National Championship :(

8. The Sooners won all the Big 12 Championships except one ( didn't win in 2009)

9. Mizzou beat OU in football zero times - pretty sure this hasn't happened in decades, but not in the past four years for sure.

- We have never had more people worried about our marriage than when OU and Mizzou played in the Big 12 Championship. We all know how that ended - SOONERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

10. We have been on two honeymoons. The first to Puerta Vallerta, Mexico and our second last year to Freeport, Bahamas. We are looking forward to our third in say...... 20 years.

11. We have gotten two degrees between us, Zach got his Electrical Engineering degree in Dec. '06 and I got my Bachelor of Nursing degree in Dec. of 08.

12. We have been through an untold number of fish. Beverly, our big orange fish, has been with us through it all though, which is pretty amazing.

13. We survived being snowed in together in the tiniest apartment ever. Looking back on it, only newly weds could survive that experience and still adore each other.

14. Per Zach's request I will mention that the Tigers were rated #1 in the nation for 1 WEEK.

15. What am I forgetting.... Oh right, created one human life Zane Able Korenak: the best thing we have done to date!

Zane's first play date

Yesterday Zane and I went and visited my friend Anne and met her new baby Benjamen. Anne and I met in nursing school and through out our crazy year of the excellerated program we both talked about how the first thing on our to do list after nursing school was having a kid. She had her baby on June 8th so they are just the same age. It was great to meet her little man and get to chat with another mommy who is going through most of the same stuff. The boys seemed to have a good time playing, hopefully we can have many more play dates in the future. With us both being nurses we couldn't help but listen to the baby's hearts side by side. It was crazy the difference between the two heart beats when the babies both look so healthy. I also really enjoyed that they were both wearing pollo shirts with stripes, they are both so stylish and ADORABLE!!!!

Maggie clarification

Ok so Abbey has brought to my attention that there may be some confusion about which Maggie is baby sitting my 6 week old. My one year old niece will not be baby sitting on my anniversary. First of all that is also her birthday so she will be busy celebrating her first year of life, in OK. So my good friend from work, Maggie, will be watching Zane instead. However, the image of baby Maggie baby sitting is hysterical. Zane would have a lot of pats by the end of it.