Strange New Reality

So we are nineteen days into our quarantine here at home. The last time I left the house was March 17th. Zach has been out a few times to go to the office, the grocery store, or Lowe's for flooring supplies. That's an unimaginable amount of time. If you'd told any of us that this would be our reality a few months ago there would have been no way any of us would've believed it. But here we are and there is a new reality setting in. I wouldn't say new normal, because nothing about this is normal.

Lets start at the beginning of the day. Pre-pandemic we would get up, rush around the house, get people dressed, pack bags, and then send the big boys off on the bus by 8:10 a.m. Then, on my days off, Thatcher and I would head to the gym. I'd drop him off in a crowded room full of toddlers while I went upstairs to run around a track, crowded with people. I'd frequently see parents I know from school and have nice chats, catching up on our families lives. In the best of times my OCD realizes that the gym and child watch are disgusting pools of germs, but I try to not let my germaphobia rule my life. So my child has a snotty nose most of the winter, so be it.

Now our new routine looks like waking up, laying around, watching TV, until I almost physically have to remove my children off the couch for our morning exercise time. Half of the time this is done in our living room, watching YouTube videos of random different forms of exercise. So far we've tried yoga, kickboxing, tae bo, and P90X videos. I'm open to anything that gets them moving. The other half of the time we head out to the lake by our house that has a running track. The decision to stay in this neighborhood, with sidewalks, lakes, and running tracks is paramount in our surviving this pandemic. The runner up house that we almost bought had more land on our plot but was on one little street of houses. There were no sidewalks and the only other road close to it was a major highway that I couldn't walk on with three boys in toe. In our current neighborhood we're about a block from the running track. This means that I can run/walk with T while the big boys bike/scooter around the pond at their own pace. I can see them the whole time, but we don't have to all be together.

This running track has become quite popular during this crazy time of isolation. I use to run/walk around outside with Thatcher when the weather was nice in the morning and we only ever saw the one other mom also pushing her toddler in the stroller. In the mornings now there are a few older couples out walking, but in the afternoons it is packed. This is where my children's gut responses have to be checked and reprogrammed. For years I have worked tirelessly to raise friendly, polite, children. This means saying hello to strangers, starting conversations with people they don't know, and definitely talking to, and usually hugging, people they do know. Now we can't even pass each other on the sidewalk, we have to move away from each other, to keep a safe distance, all while trying to say hello and be pleasant. This feels weird and sad. People want to come talk to my sweet boys and they too want to talk to the nice old ladies doing laps, but instead we wave hi while backing away from each other.

This track situation became down right heart breaking on Sunday when Zane saw his favorite teacher of all time, Mrs. Austin, walking on our lake track. She lives in a near by neighborhood, but came to get some exercise. She saw Zane riding his scooter and waved from a safe distance. He began to run towards her, to give her a hug, which is the right reaction to have. She motioned for him to stop and instantly he knew he couldn't hug her. I wasn't there for this heartbreaking situation to play out, but when he got home he dissolved into tears, deep sobs, over being so close to one of his favorite people, but unable to hug her or talk to her. He was fully devastated and didn't recover all day. This same scenario plays out with his friends who want to come over to play or invite him to go play at the lake or to play basketball with them. All of that is a hard no at our house and made harder by parents letting their children play with whoever they want. That's not safe for anyone right now, but definitely not safe for a kid with a heart condition. Zane needs human contact. We all need human contact. And yes he video chats with his friends and family but it just isn't the same and it's the devastating truth of our new reality, for the foreseeable future.

After exercise on a one of my normal days off T and I would frequently go grocery shopping. Thatcher sitting in the cart, enjoying a donut while we wander through the store. Grocery time now is a fully crazy. A few weeks before all of this we started getting our groceries delivered from Aldi, in an attempt to save money. So we weren't new to grocery delivery. However, we are new to everything being sold out, there being limits on how much of certain things you can buy, and the dystopian future scene that plays out now when our groceries are delivered. Take yesterday for example. I placed my online order at 12pm. It said they estimated my groceries would be delivered between 1pm - 6pm. That in itself is crazy, but fine. When the person began shopping I got texts every few minutes alerting me that things I had requested were sold out. I was sent pictures of signs in front of the eggs saying "limit one per costumer." They were out of random things like oatmeal and strawberries.This back and forth went on for a long time until we finally ended up with things close to what we wanted/need.

Then when the groceries were delivered my children ran to the window/door, again their gut response to be welcoming and kind, which was quickly followed by me yelling to close the door, just let the man put the bags on the porch. They wave to the delivery man, who also was freaked out by the door being opened, through the window. Then all the bags were brought in and I began wiping down all the groceries with clorox wipes and scrubbing every ounce of produce. All the bags are quickly thrown away, counters were clorox wiped, everyone was instructed to change their clothes and do a thorough scrubbing of their hands and arms. It's a panicky feeling that something horrible might have entered our safe space here. It's also just utter worldly and insane.

Then comes the most lovely part of my pre pandemic days, after a crazy morning, nap time. This, during pre pandemic times, was when I'd pour a glass of tea and read a book outside, or watch a tv show, or just sit in utter silence for an hour. Maybe take a nap if I was feeling crazy. It was a sliver of silence where I could regain some sanity and a little bit of patience which would help me deal with all the future toddler battles and crabby school age children who would be returning home soon. In this post pandemic reality nap time is when the real battles begin. This is when the fights about having to read or do online school work begin. This is when the fights with the older boys about not getting to watch TV for hours at time commence. This is when I hit my wall as far as energy and patience, but now it's when I really have to buckle down. This frequently ends poorly, with either huge blow up fights, or me fully give up and they end up watching TV for hours. I'm not exactly sure which one of those scenarios is worse.

The good side to post pandemic life is Zach being home all the time. He's here to pop his head out of his office to say hi or eat lunch with us. He's available as soon as he's done working to help deal with meltdowns or finish home projects currently. In pre-pandemic life the hour between five and six, when we were waiting for Zach to arrive home, was generally some of the hardest moments of my day. I was tired, the kids were tired, they were hungry, but I wanted to wait for Zach to eat. They would have activities after dinner which meant homework fights usually had to take place during this hour as well. It's lovely to spend a little extra time with Zach in the morning and to have him join me in the parenting battle at five or earlier not six.

Then there are things that aren't really terrible, but extremely strange. For instance I haven't worn real pants in pushing three weeks. I got a new pair of jeans in the mail a week ago and I have no idea when I could possibly wear them, next winter I guess?  I have rules for my sweat pant rotation, nice sweat pants that I could wear in public or exercise pants during the day, pajama pants in the evening. Why do I have this unspoken rule for myself? I have no idea? I haven't worn make up in just as long. I see no point in that currently. I do make my bed now, in an attempt to feel like I'm accomplishing something and to make another potential living/sitting area in our small house. I haven't touched my wallet in weeks, but somehow money still is definitely being spent daily. So many crazy things things I can hardly wrap my head around it all.

Today things got weirder and scarier when I learned that they are closing down the surgery floor at Children's. They cancelled all non emergent procedures a few weeks ago so the census in the entire hospital is very low. There will still be some surgery patients, they will just be placed on other units and the surgery nurses will take care of them there. As for the flex nurses, who have no PTO, that basically means we won't be working for the foreseeable future. This is a good news bad news situation. Good news I can stay safely in my cozy little time warped home. The bad news being I won't be getting paid. So we're trying to figure out all the aspects of the stimulus that we can take advantage of and cancelling or deferring all non essential things to try to get us through this crazy time.

My breakdown today wasn't about this terrible news from work, but at the thought of how this is all going to affect my children. How are they going to come through this? Are they going to be behind in school? Are they going to be scarred for life? Will they have nightmares forever or will they be stronger for it? It breaks my heart and soul. A generation will be changed forever. Their stories just took a huge turn. I know my children are in the best case scenario as far as their family goes. I know they are so resilient. They know they can do hard things and they know that they are adored. But I just can't imagine going through this at their age. I shutter to think how this will change them.

Thatcher's Third Birthday Week: Happy Birthday Thatcher

Dear Thatcher,

My sweet boy you are turning three years old in an unimaginable time. The world feels like it's falling apart around us right now, but you sweet boy, you are so alive. You are so happy and full of joy. You're sweet spirit has been what has been keeping me going these past few weeks. We haven't left the house in seventeen days. Your brothers and your parents are going crazy. We are stressed, scared, lonely, and sad, but your beautiful, happy spirit has saved us. You are blissfully unaware of the big problems in the world and for that I am truly grateful. You have been having the time of your life these past few weeks. Your brothers are home all the time which means you get to play with them, all the time. This is your dream come true. As of this past week your mom and dad are both here all the time as well, what could be better in your little world. We've all needed your energy and excitement to get through the days. We've needed your smile and your laugh to get through this tough time. I will forever be grateful for having you with use during this historic time.

Over the past week I've let you open a present everyday to give you something to do and to start each day on an exciting note. So far this week you've received a Woody Mr. Potato Head, some little puzzles, a play dough donut set,  a Buzz Lightyear helmet, and a big Batman figure. You've played with all these things to no end this week. This morning you woke to the surprise of a whole pile of gifts in the living room for you to open. Grammi, Aunt Trina, and Aunt Abbey all sent you presents since we can't have a party for during this scary time in the world. Three year olds love any type of present and you are no different. This morning you got a Toy Story van with lots of Toy Story figures, some amazing Spiderman jammies from Aunt Abbey, new books, a big Snoopy, and car that you get to build and take a part with a little drill.

 Then Daddy went to pick up your birthday donuts. These were supposed to be for your party but we just got them for our family instead. They are the cutest things ever and you were sooooo excited.

 We ate donuts all morning.

 Then you asked about your birthday cake. I hadn't been planning on making a cake as well as having donuts, but I happened to have a box cake in the cabinet. Why not also have cake when you're stuck at home all day? You helped me make your cake this morning, pouring in all the ingredients. 

 Daddy's been working on the floors over the past few days and this morning you jumped in to help.

 We went outside to enjoy the gorgeous weather and we worked on some shapes with the scraps of flooring that are all over our porch. It's amazing how you can entertain yourself with almost anything.

 Big brothers were making bow and arrows out of pieces of flooring so of course you had to join in. Sadly you attacked your dad with this stick when it was nap time, which ended in the breaking of your bow and arrow. Your sweet brothers went to find a new stick for you while you were napping so we could make you a new one when you woke up.

 We ate lunch outside with your brothers before the nap time fit/fight happened.

We had a quiet afternoon here at home while Daddy finished up the flooring. We tried to go visit the ducks, your favorite activity as of late, but sadly you fell and scraped your arm/fingers on the way there. You had to be carried home to get band-aids and cuddles. You and Rowan had fun driving your new cars on our brand new flooring.

Oh the sadness of your little scratched fingers.

 This evening you requested corn dogs and green beans for dinner. You helped me decorate your cake using some of your new Toy Story guys you got this morning.

 You are just the cutest little nugget. You love having your picture take and need to immediately look at the pictures we've taken.

 Today definitely was not the birthday I had planned for you. I had a family party planned with loads of decorations. All your Aunts, Uncles, cousins, and Grandmother were supposed to be here today to shower you with love and presents. We were supposed to play all evening outside in the gorgeous spring weather. There was supposed to be loads of hugs and kisses and rousing chorus of happy birthday to T to end it all. Sadly, there was none of that, though all your aunts, uncles, cousins, and Granparents checked in today via videos to sing and wish you happy birthday. I hate how the day played out, with your brother's struggling with life, our house being torn up, and no one being able to come and give you hugs and kisses for your birthday. With that being said you had a fantastic day. You had loads of fun and didn't seem to mind at all that there were only three decorations and that it was just us here for dinner this evening.

This was you after bath time, cuddled on the couch with all your Toy Story guys. Right before this you threw a huge fit about coming inside from the front yard. You'd kicked and screamed and yelled no in my face. I had to drag you inside for bath time and you cried all the way through it. You quickly recovered when you realized your favorite Batman pjs were once again clean. Shortly after this picture you hit your big brother with a real life hammer in the eye. Rowan was hurt and crying and you didn't seem to care all too much. This is a great picture of toddlers at three. All the feelings, all the screaming, high highs and low lows. It's a struggle at times, but we will get through it.

So sweet Thatcher, today you turned three and it is a different world than it was a month ago and a much different world than it was three years ago. I don't know what comes next. I don't know how this all plays out. I do know that I adore your sweet face. My life is happier and better because you are in it. I know that you adore your brothers and they adore you. I know that our family will get through all of this together.  I pray that you keep smiling, keep dancing, keep singing, and keep that silly smile on your face. I'm sure there is no where to go but up on from this point in the year little boy. 

I love you so much sweet little boy!
Mom

Thatcher's Third Birthday Week: These are a few of your favorite things

Thatcher at three is a ball of energy. He loves all things boy with pretty much no exceptions. Here's a random list of a few of his favorite things at three.

1. Super heros: T's man loves are Batman and Spiderman but he will entertain the idea of other super heros if needed. He has Iron Man and Captain America costumes which he will wear occasionally, but mainly it's just Batman and Spiderman. As the youngest of three boys had has a plethora of every super hero toy/item of clothing you could ever want. That is true for all of his favorite things. He wants for nothing. I guess I should say costumes are also one of his favorite things as he either has on a costume or pajamas all the time.

 2.  Toy Story: Thatcher loves all things Toy Story and as I mentioned above the first time he watched one of the movies he had all the toys you could ever want to go with them. This obsession began before Christmas and continues to this day. He has moved pasting needing to watch Buzz and Woody everyday, but he still plays with all this Toy Story toys everyday and wears his Woody and Buzz Lightyear jammies all the time. We had planned on having a Toy Story party for his birthday, but now it doesn't look like he'll be able to have a party for a long time. So we ordered Toy Story donuts to pick up in the morning, I hung the three decorations I had bought a few months ago and we're going to call that good. 

 3. Puzzles: Back when Thatcher and I had quiet days at home together, which seems like a life time ago at this time point, we would often spend hours sitting and doing puzzles together. He would do the same ones over and over and get such joy out of it each time. He's very patient with it and wants to figure it out on his own, but I definitely need to be sitting down with him. Now that life is insane our quiet puzzling moment are few and far between, but he did get some new little puzzles for his birthday, maybe once our floors are done we can start finding time to do them again.

It should be noted that T is either in his pajamas, in a costume, or in his underwear. If he is forced to wear real clothes to go somewhere (which we don't do anymore) he will take those close off the minute he comes inside and either just run around in underwear or put on pj or a costume. It is what it is and I don't even begin to think about fighting it because he's the third child.

4.Pajamas: I mean this seem obvious at this point, Thatcher loves a good pair of pajamas. He's very particular about which ones he wants to wear at which moment. His top choice, of course, would be his Batman footie pajamas he got for Christmas with his Buzz and Woody jammies coming in a close second. However, there are loads of hand me down Spiderman pjs, dinosaur pjs, and of course his scary jammies that are also in a constant rotation. I'm beginning to get concerned about what happens when the Batman pjs either get to small or the feet wear out, both things that will happen rather soon I'm afraid. Again I never fight him wearing the pajamas places except when we go out into public, which we don't do anymore. If he wants to wear them to the lake, be my guest. It's entertaining to old people and I just don't care.

This morning in his scary jammies.

 Last night in his cozy jammies, hood is always up.

 Five o'clock in the afternoon in some hand me down Spiderman pjs.

Full blown night time meltdown in the Batman shorts/tank top, classic. 

 But his favorite by far are his Batman footie jammies. He got them for Christmas and he would wear them all day everyday if we let him. This is him at 4pm, having gotten home from daycare and immediately changed back into them.

 At a birthday party, yep T will be in his Batman jammies. 

I could do this all day with every picture of him from the past year. This is how I will picture him when he's grown and I think of Thatcher at three.

5. Being outside: T loves parks (which sadly are now closed by our house). He loves to swing and pushed really high. He loves to ride his scooter to the lake and then decide he doesn't actually want to ride it about two thirds of the way there. He loves to run and explore, get dirty, chase his brothers, anything outside

Here he is swinging in the baby swing a few months ago before the original Buzz Lightyear jammies were lost in a toddler off. I threw them in the trash after threatening to do that if he didn't stop throwing a fit (or some toddler nonsense). He did not stop and I absolutely threw them away. The old, worn out, stained, and I knew he was getting a new pair for Christmas so I was ok with it.

 T and I use to walk to the park in our neighborhood and play before going to meet brother at the bus stop. This day he wore his Spiderman costume.

6. Thatcher's other great love are his blankets. He has loads of thin white muslin blankets, but his favorite of all time is the one crib sheet that is made of this material. He walks around with it on his head all the time. He has to be covered up with it at night before he goes to sleep. I have to pry it out of his hands to wash it occasionally. He's loved these since he was itty bitty.

 He needed a blanket with him for his first movie as well.

7. Donuts: If you know T you know his great love in life is donuts. Again, back when we use to be able to leave our house, T would talk his way into a donut pretty much once a day. If we went to buy groceries he'd get one to eat in the basket while I shopped. If we weren't going to a grocery store he'd convince me to stop at a gas station (istation as he pronounces it) and buy him a donut. On Sundays when we use to go to Sunday school he'd get a donut hole after leaving child watch and usually talk his way into more while we waited for brothers to get out of Sunday School. I just can't resist bringing such joy to my sweet baby.

Two year old birthday, caught red handed housing donuts.

I think those are his main loves. He loves watching movies, with his favorites being the Monsters Inc movies, Toy Stories, and as of late Zootopia and Frozen I and II. He will watch whatever the boys are watching or sometimes request Batman or Spiderman. He loves music and has a gorgeous little singing voice. He belts out all the words to the Frozen songs frequently. I miss driving places with him, singing Moana and Frozen songs all day. Thatcher also loves to dance and put on a show for people, just like his big brothers. He adores his brothers and is convinced he is one of the big boys, even though he is not. He has started to enjoy playing play dough lately as well as starting to enjoy coloring and stickers. He's the sweetest little nugget. I just adore him and wish I could slow down time just a little. He's getting too big way too quickly.