Rocking Chair

When we were pregnant with Zane, Zach's parent's told us they wanted to buy us a rocking chair. After a long search we ended up on this brown soft rocker for a couple of reasons. It was wider than the wooden ones, which I thought would be more cozy, the arm rests were soft so as not to hurt a little baby's head, and I could see myself sleeping in it while holding my baby boy. During the short time we have had this rocker it has been my resting/praying place through  many things.

While I was pregnant I would sit in Zane's room and rock while I waited for Zach to get home. I would look at the letters of his name on the wall and wonder what kind of personality our little man would have.  I would pray for a safe delivery of a healthy baby and I envisioned our perfect life that was about to begin. When we got home from the hospital, before Zane was diagnosed, I sat in the rocker and said silent prayers for Zane's heart murmur to be nothing, a minor problem that would correct itself. My favorite newborn pictures of Zane are the ones where he is laying on the rocking chair with his little eyes open, so precious.

After Zane was diagnosed this rocking chair was where I went to go call everyone and break their hearts with the news of Zane's broken heart. I remember calling my two best friends, Jess and Anna, while sitting in this chair staring out the window. I remember sitting for a moment before calling them, trying gather myself with yet another prayer. This is also where I would go when it all got to be too much and I needed to be alone with my heartbreak. When I needed a moment to cry, pray, or be still with my boy I headed to this rocking chair.

As time passed and we got into a routine of our new life the rocking chair was where we spent our sleepless nights. Where I would rock Zane, trying to get him to go back to sleep, and look out the window and wonder what the people in the other houses were dealing with. I would pray daily in this chair for my sweet baby's heart to be fixed and for the strength to get through surgery time.

It was in this rocking chair where I sat, numb, trying to wrap my head around the reality of my father no longer being with us. I sat their, too stunned to cry, and grappled with the fact that my father would never know my children and my children would never know him. I, yet again, was in this chair calling all the people important to me, to break their hearts with the news of Dad's passing. I sat in this chair and prayed for  strength and the words to help my mother as I waited for Zach to bring her back to our house.

As we got closer to surgery I spent more time cuddling my sweet boy in this chair. I would sing him to sleep and hold him for just a little longer each night as I treasured every second before surgery. I continued my prayers for a uneventful hospital stay and a quick recovery. I talked to my Dad and asked him to be with my baby as he went through so much and to pull whatever strings he could from heaven to keep him safe. The Saturday before surgery I sung my baby to sleep in this chair and cried, because I wasn't sure how I was going to make it through the next week.

Soon family and friends swooped in to hold me up and give me strength. They cooked, cleaned, took my mind of things,  made me laugh, and were there through it all. We made it through our dreaded hospital stay without incident. We saw other families grieving, fearing the worst, facing set backs, and all the while we were able to smile, even laugh, through our days as we continued to pray for our little man and watch him recovery remarkably well. We felt Dad's presence and I knew for sure he was by my side and with Zane through it all.

When we returned home, days before any of us could have imagined, I found myself back in our rocking chair singing my boy to sleep. This time a little unsure of how to hold or cuddle him, but home. As I sat in the chair I found myself looking out the window again, but this time my prayers were of great thanksgiving for my son's second chance at life. It was the greatest night, much happier than our first night home with him after he was born. A huge weight had been lifted from our shoulders and I have never been so happy to be rocking my baby so sleep.

Happy Halloween

Ever since we had gotten Zane's surgery date I had been depressed about Zane spending his first Halloween in the hospital. However, Zane was an amazing heart patient and got out of that horrible place in record time, so we are now celebrating Halloween at home. Zane has had on multiple festive outfits today, the first one lasted approximately 45 minutes (pictured to the right), Zach missed it completely while he was sleeping in. The outfit was obviously too small for him, but I found it in with the hand me downs from cousin Levi and I thought we had to at least try. He has had on fun Halloween socks all day with his multiple other, button up the front, outfits we found as well.

Zach and I had a very productive furniture shopping day today while Uncle Able and Mom watched the little man. We got a sectional for downstairs so when Zane starts sitting up, crawling, toddling ect.. he won't fall and get multiple skull fractures on our hard wood floors. Turns out furniture shopping is much easier when their is literally only one sectional and ottoman that will fit down your stairs. On the way to the airport, to drop off Able, we went to Carol House Furniture ( because we like nice things) and bought a new kitchen table. This had really become a safety issue since one of our dining room chairs is currently being held together with twine and one could collapse at any time. We got a great deal on a table and now are set to host dinners for eight, so feel free to come over for dinner.

Once we got home from the airport Zane, Mom, and I went for a walk around the neighborhood and scoped out the Halloween decorations. There were some really fun ones and a few people who where all set up for camp fires in their driveways.  A camp fire sounds amazing, but not in my drive way. We will just have to settle for a fire in our fire place.

When we got home from our walk Zane put on his banana costume and we had yet another banana costume photo shoot. The first one took place on the day he came home from the hospital. He looks so adorable but I think it might annoy him just a bit since he can't get his feet stretched all the way out. Now we are handing out candy to the trick or treaters.

All and all it has been a phenomenal first Halloween for little Zane. I am so happy that we were home for it and not in a hospital room.What a sweet boy. Hope you had a fantastic Halloween!!!!

Zombies

I want to go on record, for those of you who just read my mother's rant on Zombies, that I could care less about Zombies. I have never, nor will I ever go to a Zombie crawl, take my children to one, or dress up as a Zombie. Mom has officially lost her mind, thanks Able for pushing her over the edge!

Home nursing

I can't imagine coming home from this surgery and having no medical knowledge. I know that this is what usually happens, but it is pretty terrifying with a nursing degree. There are multiple medications to be given, rules of redosing meds if he inevitably throws up with them, dressing changes, signs of infection to look for, signs of increased work of breathing to monitor, and so much.

This evening was our first go around of sponge bath, dressing change, and medications. Zane wasn't happy to begin with but I was trying to "cluster care" and get it all done at once. At the hospital this simple task would have been about a 15 minute endeavour max, with a bedding change. Everything has it's place there, I would have grabbed all my supplies, headed in, and been done in no time. The screaming baby would not bother me, I would quickly bath them, give them their meds, change their sheets, and give them to their parents to calm them down. However, at home these simple tasks became a bit of an ordeal. Where did we put all the dressing supplies? How do I arrange them on the tiny diaper changing table so Zane doesn't kick them off? How do I clean up the huge mess after Zane yacks every where? Don't get me wrong we got the baby washed, his dressings changed, his vomit cleaned up, medications given ( and redosed after the yacking), jammies on, and baby to sleep ( well he isn't asleep yet, he is watching the world series, but still).

I live in fear of Zane getting aspiration pneumonia, or having increased work of breathing due to fluid on or around his lungs, spiking a fever, or any other number of random post op problems. But luckily, as of ye,t he has been fine. He really is a pretty good medicine taker, he is eating great and really only vomits when he a) gags himself or b) gags himself when he is trying to cough. It's only the first night I'm sure we will get better at it. I already have developed a much better organizational system for all his dressing supplies and we will probably master everything just about the time we don't have to do it anymore.

First Day Home

I can hardly believe what a normal day it has been around our house. The night went well, Zane slept amazingly well, but did have some problems with waking up when he was set down in his crib, probably  hurting a little bit. Zach and I were sleeping so deeply, what with it being the first night in a real bed in awhile, that it took us a little bit to hear Zane muttering in there, he has never woken up screaming. When I finally heard him and went in there he was just sitting  there happily playing.

He has eaten well and only has had a few times where his new "I'm in pain" cry has been busted out. It is a heart breakingly pathetic little cry and I have yet to figure out exactly what makes it better. We have been giving him Tylenol pretty much around the clock which seems to be helping. He took his meds like a champ this morning, he came home on Lasix twice a day and his normal dose of pepcid. He also tolerated his dressing change this morning wonderfully, a sure sign that he had been in the hospital too long. His incision looks great but they want to keep it covered for a few weeks so as not to get baby boy vomit/spit on it.

The only real changes from before surgery are that Zane isn't quite ready to wear his adorable clothes, what with the man handling it takes to get him in them. So he is wearing pjs all day and seems to be loving it. There are the above mentioned painful cry, which is awful, but thankfully not happening much. A big difference is how red Zane gets when he cries now. We noticed this in the hospital, but it is still amazing. He never turned purple before but he also never turned red like most crying babies. He also constantly feels like he has a temperature to me when really he just has better circulation. We have moved Zane's gym toys into his pack and play so he can lay in there where it is slightly softer than our hard wood floor. Picking him up, holding him, laying him down ect. all require a lot more thought about how best to do that without hurting his little chest but we are getting the hang of it. He stood up in my lap briefly today and loved it.

He has had a great day, playing with his new toys and for the most part had been all smiles. We are currently sitting outside watching Mom and Able play bean bags while Zane plays in his bouncy chair, just like nothing ever happened. I just keeping thinking how big of a baby I would be if I was 4 days out from open heart surgery, I probably wouldn't even be getting out of bed let alone playing, laughing, and smiling. Here he is enjoying the outside. We are so blessed.

We are home.... and sleepy

I am ecstatic to say that I am writing this blog from my kitchen table while my beautiful baby boy is kicking and playing in his pack and play beside me. I still cannot believe how well everything has gone and how quickly Zane has recovered from such a huge surgery. He is such a strong boy I should have known. But lets go back to where we left off on our hospital updates.

Yesterday when I returned to our room from blogging in the Ronald McDonald Room, Zane had kicked out his final IV. Since he had been eating well they said he could keep it out. This marked the last tube/drain to be removed, which was a huge milestone. He still was hooked up to five EKG leads which were annoying and constantly beeping, falling off, or getting tangled up. Around 5pm last night we were finally transferred to the step down unit, 7 West, where I was expecting to stay for a couple days.  Much to my dismay we were given and A bed which meant no room for the family to stay and chill and no "comfy" window sofa to sleep on. But today it became clear why we got the A bed, because we were going to be going home today and the B bed was not.

Zane had a good night. He slept well, drank well, and his pain was controlled with only Tylenol. We gave him a little bit of a bath, so he had less sticky stuff on him and smelled a little bit like a baby again. Zach and I both actually got a little "sleep", me on the bedside chair next to Zane until about 3:30am (with only two interruptions) and then Zach came down from the parent lounge on the 8th floor to sleep by him for the rest of the night. Our roommate had a rough night, with a lot of screaming, but Zane was a trooper.

This morning we were greeted by multiple Doctors in their Halloween costumes. Zane's doctors were Winnie the Pooh ( complete with a little honey pot) and a chef (with and apron and chef's hat). There was a fun feeling of celebration in the air which was perfect for the news we got that we would be going home today. Zane did put on his banana costume, and probably could have won the costume contest later in the day had we not been discharged. So after our chest x-ray was cleared we were free to go home. I had to take Zane up to show the girls on my floor, who were amazed at how quickly he had recovered and, of course, how adorable his banana costume was. We also had to pick up our much anticipated Taco Dip and "Fiesta" set up from Michelle to be taken home for a celebratory lunch. ( p.s. the taco dip did not disappoint, thanks Michelle).

So we  were home and happy by 12:30. Zane seemed to remember this place and when he woke up in his own bed he was all smiles. He has had a pretty good day, with only one brief instance of getting behind his pain, but we quickly recovered. There are tweaks in how we function now, such as Zane now has to play in his gym in a pack and play since the hard word floors are too hard, but he does like to lay on his back and look around. I think being held starts to hurt his chest after awhile. We are still trying to figure out exactly what is the best way to pick him up, hold him, burp him, ect in order to cause the least amount of pain on his little chest wounds. I keep wanting to have him stand up in my lap or pick him up from under his arms, but we are quite back to that point yet. I went out to get a few things at Target and Babies R Us and just "had" to get Zane some welcome home gifts, a few toys, some jammies, and a new thermometer!! I seriously felt like I should buy him everything in the store since he is such a miracle, but I restrained myself.

There is a lot more of our story I want to share and tons of pictures I will post later,  but I am currently exhausted. I just wanted to let everyone know that our miracle baby is home and doing well. I feel unbelievably blessed and can't believe we are back home already, it feels surreal but so wonderful.

Update and Pictures

I meant to put some pictures up yesterday with last nights blog but with the tiny bit of drama that was going on last night I ended up just giving the update, sans pictures. So today I wanted to put some pictures up so you can see our little man.

First of all, the update. Last night was trying to say the least. I think I got about 2 hours of sleep. Between our roommate screaming and Zane screaming I was up most of the night, comforting and overseeing Zane's care. But he did pretty well, we were just  having problems with pain and him having to be woken up for diaper changes, dressing changes, assessments, ect.  So this morning I could not stay awake anymore and headed home to try to get some sleep. While I was gone Zane got most of his tubes/drains removed. They took out both of his chest tubes, the pacer wires they had left on his heart in case he would have needed a pace maker, his arterial line ( which was on his right wrist), and his central line which was above his left clavicle. All he has left now is his little IV in his right foot and the dressing from his surgery. He now can be held easily which I think is helping with him eating better, but I do think it hurts his chest a little a bit. He is also resting much more calmly today, so I think he is feeling better. We have had a restful morning and we are now just waiting to be transferred to the step down unit, 7West.

This first picture is of Zane in his ICU bed with all of his pumps and monitors you can barely see Zane. Don't worry we are down to two pumps now.

 This is Zane after he had his first dressing change. His dressing was much bigger when he got back from the OR so this was a big step up. You can also see all his other tubes that he had, but not anymore, HOORAY!

 The picture to right is me feeding Zane this morning. He is eating much better now that he can be held during his feeds. We still aren't back to where we once were but we will get there. The swelling on his face is going down too.

The picture below here is of Zane getting his echo done this morning. It was great to see his heart without the gaping hole between his ventricles, but he will always have back flow of blood  into his lungs since they had to patch his pulmonary artery. They tell me kids do fine with this so I am not to concerned.

 This is my friend Mollie who came down to visit us today. She has been wanting to make the blog for a while so I had to take her picture with Zane. Thanks for stopping by checking in on us Mollie!!

 Our latest visitors were Maggie and Brandi, nursing friends of mine from the 12th floor. They were both amazed how how great Zane looked. You can also see that I brought Mooly up to the hospital today to keep Zane company.

day two

Zane had a good night last night. He only woke up once, but was apparently not to happy about what was going on. The nurses were busy with other patients and he had been so quite they were surprised when he woke up with a bit of a freak out. He only needed the one dose of morphine and slept great the rest of the night. Zach and I "slept" in a lounge on the 8th floor which was less busy and less intense than the ICU lounge. I have seen people sleeping on those bedside pull out chairs for years and wondered daily how they slept on them night after night. They are horribly uncomfortable with little to no wiggle room. Between the horribly uncomfortable "bed" and the never ending flow of people coming in and out we really didn't get much sleep but it wasn't bad.

Today Zane seems much more awake but we are still working on managing his pain. He is off the two medications he had been getting continuously, one to dilate his blood vessels, making it easier for his heart to work, and one a post operative steroid. Both of these were keeping him rather sedated so now we are working with Morphine and Tylenol to manage his pain. I am admittedly pretty anti-morphine because it doesn't last long and it makes kids crabby, but for now he does need something stronger than Tylenol so I'm trying to be supportive. They also started Lasix today to try to get some of the fluid off of him and he is peeing like crazy. He drank great for the first part of the day and now is less interested in it so his IV fluids have been increased slightly. His little baby catheter was taken out earlier so I guess there will be a lot of diaper changing in our future.

Zane had his dressings changed today which has helped with his entire chest looking horrible. It is now a much smaller dressing without any old blood on it. Also, I was glad to see what the incision actually looks like. It isn't as big as I had imagined and is stitched with little baby stitches so it looks really good. Tomorrow he will get his central line and his arterial line out which will free up both of his hands which will make him much happier now that he is waking up more.

I have had a ton of visitors from my friends at work. Last night Maggie and Amy brought us dinner and this afternoon we were provided with a tasty lunch from Becky and Amy. They were both delicious and so convenient to be able to stay at our little table pow wow spot and not have to leave the floor/Zane. My friend Rachel also brought us some amazing cupcakes from Jilly's Cupcake Bar and Cafe this afternoon. I had never actually been to this restaurant but oh my were those cupcakes good. There was one that looked like a mummy with a gummy nose inside, a pumpkin one, a red velvet one, and a caramel apple one. All of them had some sort of delicious surprise inside. So big thanks to everyone who brought food and stopped by today, it has brightened my day and I love that everyone has gotten to see my little man.

This evening Zane changed rooms to the over flow portion of the Cardiac ICU. This is technically still an ICU bed since he still has his central line, arterial line, and all sorts of monitors, but the room is actually at the end of the hall of 7W where we will be going tomorrow. This is a good sign since it means that he was doing well enough to be moved farther away from the nurses station. However, this also means that the CICU is full so when other nurses have to float down here we get them since we are the "easier" patients. So tonight Zane's nurse is from the Neonatal ICU, where their babies are tiny and apparently nothing is the same as it is here. This led me to a pretty major freak out because I now have to try to keep my Mommy hat and my nurse hat on all at the same time which turns out is very difficult. I'm glad I know what is going on and can help her or get help when needed, but this means probably a completely sleepless night ahead of me.

Surgery Day

Today I drove to Children's like every other morning I drive to work. In the dark, with few people on the roads. But today I was not alone. Today I was in the back seat with my baby, holding his sweet little hand as he slept. Zach and I were quite, preparing to be strong for Zane, while the rest of my family was in the car behind us. As I finished my silent prayer for the safety of my sweet boy I was struck, yet again, by how strange it is that Dad isn't here. The last time I talked to him he was telling me the big plans he had for surgery time.

We got here fine and carried our sleeping baby up to the surgery floor where we were met by many friendly faces. They took Zane back to his pre-op room where he got all his pre-op workup done. He was happy, smiley, and kicking around in his little hospital bed. We put him in his miniature hospital gown and waited to meet with the anesthesiologist before they took him back. His OR nurse was a girl I recognized from her coming to get my patients for surgery, which was just the beginning of the strange phenomenon of my two worlds colliding.

As I walked through the halls I saw familiar faces, faces I see everyday as I walk around my job, but today they looked at me with questioning smiles. They knew I was a familiar face but were confused by my street clothes and my parent sticker. I wasn't sure if I should say hi, they really weren't people I would have said hi to if I was at work, but they looked so confused I felt like I should explain ( but I didn't).  I ate the same breakfast I eat when I am at work and was appalled by how expensive food really is when you don't get a staff discount. Girls from my work came down to visit me and it seemed more natural to be seeing them here than to see my entire family in our little waiting room nook. I took my family around the hospital, showing them The Ronald McDonald Room, The Garden, the cafeteria, and the other fun features of my job which felt like what I do for my families at work, but this was literally my family.

The surgery started at 7:30am and the doctor was out to tell us how everything had gone by noon. We got updates about hourly during the procedure, mainly telling us what they were doing at that time and how things were going. The doctor told us everything had gone as planned with no surprises. They fixed the hole in between his ventricles and had to patch his pulmonary artery and open the valve in his pulmonary artery. There was a slim chance that they were going to be able to just open the pulmonary valve, which would have meant no need for further surgeries in the future. However, since they had to cut out the thickened part of the artery that means we will probably be back here getting a valve placement when Zane is a teenager.

Zane is currently resting in the cardiac ICU. He was on a ventilator until about 3pm today when he was extubated and seems to be doing well. Now that he doesn't have his ET tube he seems happier, in that he isn't fighting against that tube to breathe, but is crying out more which is heartbreaking and hard to watch. He has two peripheral IV's for when he goes to the floor, a central line that is used for all his meds and blood draws, only two chest tubes ( which is exciting since we were envisioning four tubes), a big sternal incision with a huge dressing, leads all over to monitor all his vitals, and an arterial line to monitor his blood pressure and for blood draws. His vitals have been good, he is on oxygen now that he is off his ventilator but his O2 saturations have been great. All and all I think he looks great and Zach thinks he looks horrible. I think it's because I was picturing the kids who are on a ventilator because they can't breathe on their own and Zane really was just on it for resting. Zach of course had no idea what to expect so the entire situation was very shocking to him. Zane is moving a little and responding but they are keeping him pretty sedated so he can rest. They don't want us to talk very much in his room so as not to disturb his sleep. He does seem peaceful most of the time but I can tell he is scared, confused and I'm sure hurting. It is a helpless feeling to be unable to help your baby or hold them when they are in pain, but I know he needs his rest right now.

It is also hard to keep straight the role I am in here. I hear an IV machine going off and think I need to hang a flush. I catch myself being a "monitor watching mom", which no one likes, but it is hard to separate my two lives. I am use to looking at sad kids and detaching myself and I catch myself doing that, but this is my baby so that isn't needed. There are parts of the overlap that have served me well. For instance when his vent would alarm when he cried I didn't freak out and think something horrible was happening. I knew that he was holding his breathe or just mad and tried to calm him with a soft touch. I feel comfortable in the hospital and have complete confidence in the staff taking care of him. I understand exactly what the nurse is telling me, though I admittedly don't know anything about cardiac medications. I know what he needs now is time, rest, and continued prayers.

Thank you all for the warm wishes and prayers you are sending our way. I felt surrounded by the love and support of so many people. I truly feel this is what has kept me held together and strong for my baby boy. Continue to keep us in your prayers as I know this journey is really just beginning.

Surgery time

Today was pre-op day, long and tedious. I don't really want to relive it at this point, but all went well. Zane handled all the tests like a champ, though he was exhausted by his day without much of a nap. Tomorrow is surgery day, so I just want to post a quick note letting everyone know when his surgery will be.

Zane is the first case tomorrow so we will be at the hospital at 6:15 to meet with the anesthesiologist and tie up all the loose ends pre-operatively. Hopefully he will be taken back to the OR by 7-7:30am. The surgery should last between 4 and 6 hours after which he will be transferred to the cardiac ICU where he will be on a ventilator for a day or so to let his heart and lungs rest. The surgeon told us today he hopes to transfer Zane out to the step down floor Friday morning.

We are packed and as ready as we will ever be for this next leg of this journey. I am ready for it to be over but hate that I won't be singing my baby boy to sleep tomorrow night. I'm going to go try to get some rest, but wanted to update everyone on tomorrow's plan. Thanks for all of the prayers and well wishes, keep them coming!

Last day of normalcy

Today was our last day of "normalcy," if you can call it that. Able got in late on Friday , Abbey and Mom got here today. The entire family is here, surrounding us with their love and support. Zane has been his happy self all day, full of smiles and energy. I have tried not to cry in front of him, though I am sure he can tell something is up. It is weird without Dad here, it just feels like someone is missing, I guess because there is some one missing.  I am sure at some point this will pass, but for now it is strange new reality that leaves us with a bit of an empty feeling.  However, this evening there was a big thurder storm, which I took as Dad saying hello and letting us know that he is here, watching over us. It rained the day after he died as well, which I took as a very comforting sign at the time as well.

Today was Able's 30th birthday, making me the last of the siblings in their twenties, crazy. I can't say Able was excited about his 30th b-day but we went on with the celebrations as best we could given the situation. There was cake, presents, and singing ( of course). Abbey made a delicious chicken/potato chowder with some of the chicken Able and Zach smoked yesterday. And we had red velvet cake for dessert. 

 I worked on my "Surgery" and "Heart" play lists on my Ipod for the hospital stay. The heart list is mainly for songs with the word heart in them,  just for kicks. So far Able and I came up with "Achy Breaky Heart", "Jump Start My Heart", "You'll be in my heart", "Total Eclipse of the Heart", and a few others. The surgery play list consists of pump up songs to keep me from jumping off a bridge. Suggestions for either list are welcome.

Zane has had a good day. It is sad to see him so happy, content, and playing because I know what he is about to go through. It is going to be a difficult road with few things to giggle or smile about, but I know my happy baby will return soon. He is rolling over like a champion now, but gets very frustrated once he is on his belly. He chewed on his toys, played with Dolores ( the duck) and Sophie (the giraffe), and got all sorts of hugs/kisses from his Aunt Abbey, Uncle Able, Grandma Blakley, and of course his parents.

We have to be at the hospital tomorrow morning at 10am for a long day of tests. I don't really know what to expect, but I know that this is the beginning of everything we have dreaded. Zane is feeling great ( knock on wood) so we should be good to go. They will tell us how to give him his pre-surgery bath, what time he has to stop eating, and finally what time the actual surgery is going to be. I am anticipating a long day of waiting around, not unlike the day he was diagnosed. Continue to send prayers our way. I don't know how I am going to stay standing through all of this, but I know I will be being held up by the prayers and support of so many.

OU vs. MIZZOU

For those of you who don't know I got my first degree at the The University of Oklahoma and Zach got his Electrical Engineering degree at The University of Missouri. Since I have known Zach the Sooners and the Tigers have played a few times all of them ending in a victory for the Sooners. Fun fact, the Sooners have won 20 of the 21 meetings between the Sooners and the Tigers, I'm just saying.
There have been a few memorable games during our relationship. When we were freshman the Sooners won with a fake field goal at the end of the game, which was awesome. There was the game the first year we were married that we got to go to in Columbia. My college roommates Anna and Julie, Dad, and Able all came in for the game which was tons of fun. But probably the most memorable game to date was the 2008 Big 12 Championship. The Tigers came in after the one week, in the history of Missouri football, that they were ranked number 1. The state of Missouri was convinced this was the year that the Tigers were going all the way. Of course Zach and his best friend Adam routinely talk themselves into a national championship, no matter how the Tigers are doing in reality. Needless to say the Sooners won this game and went on to choke hard in the national championship, per usual for the Sooners. However, we have never had more people concerned about our marriage than the day of that game. We both got text messages and calls from multiple friends and family checking in on how we were going to handle the game. My response was, I will be having a great day, I don't know how Zach will handle it.

Anyway, today is the OU vs. Mizzou game in Columbia. OU is ranked #1 ( quite randomly) and the Tigers are ranked #11. ESPN College Game Day is in Columbia so we are both very excited about the big game this evening. We had been trying to figure out what to do with the Zane apparel rules today all week, but Able and I came up with a plan at 2:30am while feeding Zane. Zane will be acting as the coin in today's game. The team who chooses to be on offense first gets Zane's support. Which ever team defers to the second half, defers Zane's support until the second half. For the rest of the day Zane will remain in neutral colors. So for everyone who was concerned about how we would handle this game, don't you worry we have a system figured out. It should be fun and I am a winner either way since I have attended both schools ( I took microbiology at Mizzou so I am also a tiger). Happy Game Day!!!!

Changing hats

Today was my last day of work before Zane's surgery. It wasn't the best day I have ever had at work, I fought the battle to get doctors to come and speak to families all day long. I won my last battle for this at 7pm as I was giving report to the night shift. All day calling, trying to explain to the doctors that they need to come tell this family what the plan is for their 14 day old baby. And all day they didnt' understand why I was so upset that they were not coming. I only cried once today at work, when I had to redress the baby's IV and she was screaming and the mom was crying, then I was crying. A bit of a hot mess, but I pulled through.

I sat behind the nurses station and looked out at the closed doors, behind which were families struggling to deal with another day at the hospital. Trying to figure out what the next day would hold. Moms and Dads trying to find a way to comfort their sick children, a way to deal with their screaming baby who can't eat because they might be going to OR, parents trying to remain calm as they wait for hours to talk to the doctor for five minutes. As I sat their all I could think was that in three days I will be on the other side of that door. I will be dealing with my own screaming baby, waiting all day to see my child's surgeon, trying to be polite to the people in the other side of the room even if their child keeps waking my baby up. I will be the Mom crying as the nurse tries to save an IV or changes a dressing.

I am not ready for this, you can never be ready for this. As I left the hospital this evening I took of my nursing hat, put it away for safe keeping, with all my nursing knowledge still there to guide me. On the way home I let go of all the frustration I had with the doctors today, the sadness I carry for the families I deal with, and I put on my Mommy hat in preparation for the weeks ahead. Some one at work asked me today, "will you be a nurse or will you be a Mommy." This seemed like a strange question at the time but it was a reminder that I have to consciously focus on being firmly in the Mom role for my little boy.

It was a good thing I put my Mommy hat on because I was greeted at the door by a screaming baby and an obviously frazzled husband who told me our son had been screaming, basically non stop since 6pm. Zane was obviously overly tired and had worked himself into a dizzy. After about 30 minutes of trying to rock him, feed him, dance, swing ect. I decided I needed to channel my mother, since she is a real Mom and I am just pretending. I first stripped him down, which did calm him down, but only briefly. I put new jammies on him so he wouldn't have to sleep naked when I inevitably won this battle. Finally I swaddled him, swayed, and sang him to sleep. If I stopped singing he woke up, so he heard a lovely mix of children's songs, patriotic songs, Christmas carols, and of course we had to end with the OU Chant for good measure. These were all things I have seen work for my Mom or things I felt sure she would try, and it worked! He was asleep and in bed by 8:30, not bad. I just went to check on him before I started to write this and he had successfully gotten fully out of the swaddle and still has little baby sup sups even while he is sleeping, so sad. But getting my screaming baby calmed down and sleeping is easily one of my greatest accomplishments. Thanks Mom, what a great Mommy teacher I had/have!

If we had known then what we know now

A year ago, October 25th, Zach and I found out that we were going to be parents. The story of us finding out goes as follows: Anna had been in town the weekend of the 24th and 25th. On the 24th we had gone to see Phantom of the Opera at The Fox, during which my stomach felt weird and crampy, but I ignored it because I was confident that I wasn't pregnant. On Sunday, the 25th, Anna went back to OK and Zach and I randomly started researching buying a treadmill on Craigs list. We ended up buying one and while Zach was going to pick it up I decided I would take a pregnancy test just for kicks. I would never had done this if I in anyway thought I was actually pregnant. Of course I was pregnant and I met Zach on the front porch with a look of terror on my face.

We had planned on getting pregnant and this of course was the end result we had been praying for, but we were not going into parenthood lightly. Both of us have/had (still not clear on how to phrase things now) amazing parents who have dedicated their lives to their children Parents who would sacrifice everything to make the lives of their children and Grandchildren better. So we knew what a huge responsibility this was. We both knew and were prepared for the fact that once we had a child it was no longer about us and the things we wanted to do. So yes, the realization that we were going to be parents was met with a big freak out. The evening ended with us both feeling a little guilty that our initial reaction wasn't elation. We vowed that we would try again the next day, October 26th. This picture is the picture we took of ourselves before we left for our celebratory diner at Deweys. Our first family photo.

October 26, 2009 was the start of a very short period of time where all was right in our little world. We had a new beautiful house, we both had great jobs, our families were all doing well, and the baby we had been waiting so long to have was on the way. I did feel miserable for basically the entire 9 months, but it was all going to be worth it when we met our perfect baby boy. That night we went to Dewey's for pizza and a night  full of conversations about our new life as parents. It was the start of a nine month celebration of the little life we had created and were waiting patiently to meet. If we had known then what we know now I wonder what this time would have been like?

October 25th this year will be a day of tests yet again. This year it will be full of tests making sure our baby is ready for his second chance at life. He will be getting an echo, EKG, chest x-ray, pre-op blood work, and a consultation with the anesthesiologist. It is going to be a long day for everyone and I'm sure ending in another large freak out by Zane's parents.

October 26, 2010 will be the hardest day any of us have faced. Zane has no idea what is about to happen and in good news will not remember it or be traumatized by it for years to come. The day will be full of prayers, Zane will be surrounded by these prayers and the presence of all his loved ones that have gone before us. This day will hopefully end with a celebration of his life once again. A celebration of his second chance, that if he had been born 60 years ago, he would not have had and we would not have had the blessing of this sweet baby boy for years to come. I dread this day, but this year it will also be another day to celebrate our new little life.

Four months

Yesterday was Zane's 4 month b-day. So here are the Zane updates from the fourth month. Zane is still a very happy giggly baby. He laughs out loud at all sorts of things and always greets us with a big grin/laugh when he wakes up or basically any time he sees us. He has a cute little wrinkled nose and three dimples when he laughs/smiles, it is absolutely the best. He has a lot to say and has many more sounds beyond his initial G words. He often has tons to tell us, sure wish we knew what he is trying to say.

 He is enjoying his toys and gym much more. He loves the monkey that my Aunt Christal bought him, who I have affectionately named Boo Radley. Zach told me he couldn't go to sleep without cuddling his monkey Monday night, how adorable. He has starting grabbing on to toys ( teething toys mainly) and putting them in his mouth to chew on. He loves Sophie giraffe, the french teething toy that Abbey told me was priceless during Maggie's teething. But he also enjoys holding onto his keys and swinging them around or holding onto his binki, taking it out of his mouth and putting it back in then laughing.

As of Saturday he can roll over from his back to his belly. He actually dose this quite frequently now so I feel more confident in saying he can officially roll over. He isn't happy once he gets to his belly but still a fun new trick. He gets onto his side all of the time, mainly to watch TV. This is a way to get past the Mommy enforced, you must look left to watch TV rule. Smart kid. He still is not enjoying tummy time and that is only going to get worse once he has a huge sternal incision. The kid may never roll from his belly to his back, but whatever.

I am again starting to think he may be teething. This time a little bit more legitimately. He doesn't have any of the nasal congestion/baby cough that went along with it last time that led me to believe it was a baby cold. (Send out huge amounts of prayers that he stays well over the next week or surgery has to be rescheduled and I will have to be committed). But back to the teething. He now is very drooly, chews on all his teething toys and his hands, and it just seems like his little gums look like they may be a little inflamed. I don't know really but he can't be getting sick so I am sticking to this theory.

Zane now eats in his little high chair once or twice a day. Daddy is much better at getting him to eat than I am. Maybe because this happens before I get home on the days I work or maybe because I have never been good at getting new eaters to eat. But when Zach feeds him he eats his banana like a champion. He actually is starting to get the hang of swallowing the food and not just pushing it all out of his mouth. I think the next food we are going to try is an avocado but probably not till after surgery, he really is loving the banana so why mess with a good thing. His increased dose of pepcid has definitely started to help him also so he is eating good again. At our last NP appointment he weighed 15lbs 7oz, so he is still a chunker. No his increased eating isn't helping him sleep better through the night.

On that note Zane still is getting up at least once a night usually between midnight and 2. He gets up and eats and goes back to bed, usually with a little bit of protest. Then he gets up again between 4 and 6, but isn't really awake, so we move him to his swing where he will sleep another hour or so if we are lucky. He is sleeping more in the day time which I think may be leading to the problems with getting him to sleep at night, but he just gets really worn out with all the playing in the day time. I have accepted that I will be exhausted for probably at leas the next year and am trying to move past it. I did get to sleep in (8am) this past weekend thanks to Zach, Mom, and Christal, thanks!

Zane has loved the nicer weather and has been on numerous walks/outdoor adventures in the past week or so. He loves to look around when we are outside chilling on the porch or on a walk. Mom bought him a new little stroller which has been very handy and I think he enjoys he can sit up which he loves but does occasionally feel like he should be standing and tries to escape.

So those are some of the highlights. I am really going to miss our fun days of playing over the next few weeks. I am having a hard time thinking about the huge scar my baby is about to have. He looks so perfect now, which again looks can be deceiving, but the thought of him having this massive scar breaks my heart. I am so ready for the surgery to be over so we can try to start leading at least a little bit of a normal life. I want next months update to be full of how wonderful everything went and how we are back at home and thriving. Continue to storm the heavens for my sweet baby boy. I think it is amazing how this little man has united, what seems like the world, with prayers on his behalf. I know God has a grand plan for his life. For now pray for strength for his parents and a quick recovery for my little angel.

Ten on Tuesday

1. Today is one week until Zane's surgery. I had to work today and all I could think all day was a week from now I will be here but on the other side of everything.

2. My friend, Amy, from work has appointed herself as my life coach. As her first act as life coach she accompanied me down to look at the floor Zane will be on after he is out of the ICU. She also instructed me on what all I should bring to the hospital.
3. Big thanks to all the girls I work with who have been my counselors, shoulders to cry on, listening ear when I need to vent, gone with me to look at floors/waiting rooms, and have been such a wonderful support system. They have schedules for when they are bringing me food/visiting, they have baby sat Zane so I could go to PT, and they have even donated ETO hours so I can get paid during some of my time off. Thanks so much to everyone it means the world to me.

4. Zach has finished the bean bag boards after much hard work and planning. They look amazing!!! The Mizzou and OU boards are done just in time for the big OU vs. Mizzou game this weekend. GO SOONERS!

5. Zach's mom is in town watching Zane this week. Zane is thoroughly enjoying his time with his Grammi and we have thoroughly enjoyed her company, her help with the laundry, and her tasty cooking.

6. It is really looking like fall around here these days. The leaves have turned and are falling, there are acorns all over our yard, and it is nice and cool outside. I love it but I know that means winter will be here soon and we will be back in the house.

7. We bought pumpkins on Saturday with plans to carve them on Sunday but never got around to it. I love carving pumpkins but I feel kind of silly carving them this weekend only to leave my house for a week, but I probably will anyway because it will make me happy.

8. Mom told me today that Pioneer is naming the new Science wing of the school after Dad. Dad was very intricale in designing the whole wing, down to the tiniest of details. He had talked about for years before it was actually built and he had so enjoyed getting to use the new state of the art facilities. We had all joked that they would name it after him one day, we just didn't expect that day to be so soon.

9. Zane has officially started to resist going to sleep at night. He doesn't get crabby until you try to put him to bed. This evening we let him chill and play until we were done with dinner ( 8:30 since I worked) and then he and I headed into his room for a serious chat about bed time. He was having none of it, not even his swing, until I, on a whim, turned on the vibration feature of his swing. Within five minutes he was out for the count. I am very concerned about the lack of a swing when we are at the hospital. It is a very important to our survival.

10. I think my PT and exercises are helping my back. My therapist thought she had gotten me "back in line," whatever that means, last week and I am really starting to feel a difference. I have been doing my exercises like a good little patient and my back feels much better. I go back tomorrow so hopefully I am feeling good come surgery time.

Blood donation update

A couple people who do not live by Pioneer School have asked if they could donate for Zane at other locations. I talked to the Oklahoma Blood Institute today and they told me that anyone can donate for him at any OBI location. When you go to donate they will ask you their standard questions, one of which is "Do you want your donation to be credited to anyone?" This is when you would need to tell them Zane's full name: Zane Able Korenak. If this question isn't asked just go ahead and tell them you want your donation credited to Zane. Hopefully this is helpful, thanks to everyone who has asked about donating, it means so much!

Mooly and Bull

When Zach was little his lovey was a little yellow stuffed cow, which he named Bull. This is not a creative name, but I guess it worked. When we found out we were pregnant Zach's Mom sent Bull back to our house for the baby to play with. Since then he has been sitting in a place of honor on the top shelf in Zane's room. There was a brief period of time when he sat on the changing table for Zane to look at, but it became clear that he was in the line of fire for numerous bodily fluids so he was moved back to the top shelf where he was safe.

When I got home from work Friday there was a package waiting for Zane from Zach's God parents, Aunt Sherry and Uncle Craig.We were happy to find Zane's very own stuffed cow inside complete with a lovely letter addressed to Zane. Zane's cow is named Mooly ( clever right), she is girl ( anatomically correct and all ), and is even made by the same brand, Gund, as Zach's Bull. The letter said that Mooly was to be taken to the hospital to keep him company and was sent with prayers and hugs for Zane and his parents.

Yesterday Zane had a blast playing with Mooly and Bull in the rocker in his room. He talked to them, cuddled them, and of course tried to eat them both. He loves his new friend, who currently is sitting in the line of fire back on the changing table. So we want to send big thanks to Aunt Sherry and Uncle Craig for sending Zane his very own stuffed cow to love on. We will be sure to bring him to the hospital to keep Zane and his family company!

Zane's Blood Drive

I think I have mentioned this before but since the date is coming up I thought I would put a little reminder up.
Pioneer High School is holding a blood drive for Zane and it is being held in memory of Dad. The blood drive is on October 20th at Pioneer and will run from 9:30am to 11:30am. Anyone 17 years of age or older can donate. All donors will receive either an OU ( Zane's favorite team) or OSU ( Dad's alma mater) T-shirt for donating. All the blood will be credited to Zane's account and will offset any charges for blood Zane will need in surgery. When we met the surgeon he said he will probably need four units of blood during the surgery. All donations will be greatly appreciated and will go to help so save many lives!

Saturday Events

It's been a big day here at the Korenak house hold. This morning my Mom, Aunt Christal, Zane, and I went to the pumpkin patch (a.k.a the Kirkwood Farmers Market) to get pumpkins and get into the fall spirit. It was a crisp cool fall morning so it was easy to do. Zane had fought sleep all morning and fell asleep right as we got to the market. We had brought the stroller that he sits up in instead of the one that his carseat snaps into so he wasn't really happy to be woken up for this adventure but he was a good sport.

We picked out pumpkins for Zach and I to carve and a baby one for Zane. Hopefully they don't get stolen off my porch this year. Yes, last year we bought pumpkins from the Kirkwood farmers market that got stollen ( they were seen the next day smashed on the road down the street) and then we ended up buying not so cute pumpkins from the grocery store to carve. After they were carved they weren't stolen, I guess those aren't as fun to smash. We will be sure to put them in the garage this year. I digress, we got some fun snacks for game day, went across the street to Christophers to look at their fall decorations, and then ended our outing with a lovely light lunch. I wanted Zane to sit by the pumpkins, in the picture to the left, but Zane is way to big for that, he needs to stand.

Zane took a big nap, in his bed, when we got home while the rest of us watched the Tigers beat up on the Aggies. Then Mom and Aunt Christal headed out to go visit Christal's brother while the Korenak clan all went down for naps. When Zane woke up from this nap he had a ton of energy and had a blast playing in his gym. He had a great work out that ended in him rolling over for the first time, from his back to his belly. He did need a little coaching on how to get his head over, but after one time of helping him he did it all by himself. It wasn't very graceful but he made it over. Zach and I were very excited and Zane seemed kind of confused. I left to run a quick errand and was pretty sure he may not be able to recreate the event but when I got home Zach reported that he had rolled over once more so I will count it as a mild stone met! He is now back in the swing resting after his big day.

Happy Birthday Mom

Today was my Mom's Bday and I had to work, bumber, but she had a great time with her adorable grandson and her BFF Christal. They took a little trip to Grant's Farm, cuddled, sang, played, and continued spoiling my sweet boy ( which he totally deserves right now). We ended the bday with a Dairy Queen ice cream cake, pizza and presents you can't beat that! Turned out we only had a 5, a 4, and some left over beer candles from Zach's twenty first bday so we went with 54 plus 4 beer cans equaling 58, perfect!

So happy birthday Mom. You are the most amazing Mother, Grandmother, and all around strong woman I know. I strive each day to be as great a Mom as you were/are for us, but you have set the bar very high. We all love you so much! Hope you had a great birthday!

Morning Blessing

One of the things I miss most about living in the country is the stars. Where I grew up the sky is huge, you can see the stars from horizon to horizon. I would often go up to the little cemetery on the hill and look at the stars for hours and would usually see quite a few shooting stars during my star gazing. Whenever I go home I always go out to look at the night sky. It gives me a since of peace and I immediately feel like I am home.

This morning when I was walking out to my car for work I noticed that the big dipper was on it's side right in the little sliver of sky I could see between all of the trees and city lights. So I took a minute to enjoy this small piece of sky and at that exact moment a huge shooting star went right across the big dipper. It was absolutely amazing and I could just feel Dad saying a big hello/I love you to me this morning. What a blessing after a night full of dreams of my father.

Ten on Tuesday

1. I bought Beauty and the Beast yesterday since it was recently released from the Disney vault. I don't know who came up with the Disney vault idea but they were a genius, they enrage me, but genius. Every time I want to buy a Disney movie it is in the vault, so in turn, every time something is released from the vault I feel I must buy it ASAP. Zane and I watched it while we cuddled ( see yesterday's post about how I sadly  have a cuddly baby back). Zane particularly loved the Be Our Guest scene, could be because he was actually awake for that part.

2. Mom and Christal got here last night. They brought us fresh beef from the farm, letters for Zach's bean bag board design ( thanks to Abbey's Silhouette), a sock monkey for Zane, and lots of hugs for everyone. Zane is officially in Grandma day care as of today. He had a good day and apparently slept all afternoon after his morning cardiology appointment.

3. Zach brought Zane in to get his oxygen saturation levels checked this morning due to his increased sleepiness. I was at work but was able to go down and talk to the NP. His oxygen saturation was 96%, which is great, and the NP gave him the once over to make sure he didn't have ear infections or anything like that, which he didn't. The NP had a lot of questions about how dad died, I guess wanting to know if he died due to some sort of heart problem. Of course I had no answers to these questions so I wasn't much help.

4. In other Zane medical news, his reflux is back. The pepcid has been working fabulous until about a week ago when he started to get crabby when he ate, stopped eating as much ect. So we picked up his new prescription today, for prevacid, after his appointment so hopefully it will help. I'm sure the not eating isn't helping with his decreased energy level either.

5. I want to take Zane to a pumpkin patch and take his picture. I call him punkin head all the time so I need some pictures of my punkin with some pumpkins. It's on the to do list for this weekend. It is sure to produce some adorable photos, stay tuned. Until then this picture Mom sent me today of Zane dressed up like a pumpkin will have to do.

6. Zane's professional picture prints came in yesterday and I want to frame them all. I know it is silly because I have the real deal why do I need a picture, but they are all so good I am struggling to narrow it down. I also don't want to take any of his newborn pictures down, it's tough having a super cute baby.

7. We deep cleaned our house this weekend and it became really clear how little I clean now that I have a kid. I use to clean the entire house in a day quite often. Now I can't remember the last time I really cleaned everything and  it took us three days. But I am happy to say we are squeaky clean around here and ready for the stream of visitors that is about to start.

8. I went to the lumbar spine PT specialist yesterday. She said that I have an SI problem which she apparently is common after pregnancy. It was early in the morning so really all I got from her explanation was that my left hip bone has slipped out of place, due to the child birthing and all the funky hormone changes. This all reaffirmed my theory that after having a kid you can blame all your health problems on them. The PT was great and hopefully they can get me realigned and pain free in the next two weeks ( this will be a max of 4 visits so I am not holding my breath).

9. Have I mentioned that Zane loves to gag himself. It is the strangest thing. He will sit in his chair or lay in his gym and chew on his hands until he gags for hours at a time. He cannot put two and two together that sticking your hand down your throat causes you to gag. It sounds awful and cannot be fun but I don't know how to make him stop. What a silly boy, I cannot help but laugh at him, I'm sure one day I will laugh and he will vomit on me, it will be great.

10. On my way home from work today ( did I mention car rides are not fun for me these days) I was thinking about Zane's surgery and kept thinking, "It will be ok, my entire family will be here, it's fine." Some where in the midst of this thought I came to the realization that my  family now only consists of four people. For some reason going from 5 to 4 people seems like such a huge difference, probably because Dad was a huge presence. I cannot really wrap my brain around it and in reality there are more than 4 people, there are grand kids and husbands, but it still feels strange.

Unwelcome changes

Since Zane was diagnosed it has been rather easy to stay in a state of denial about his condition. This is because Zane looks perfectly healthy 99% of the time. He is a chubby, smiley, active baby boy. When I meet people who know about his heart condition they just can't believe that anything is wrong with him because he looks completely fine. Our response to this is always, "looks can be deceiving." His appearing and acting perfectly normal has been a great blessing amongst all the recent difficult times. Due to this I have never really felt like a mother of a sick child. I know mother's of sick children and deal with them daily at my job. I am not giving him medications, he isn't on monitors, for the most part he eats well, he plays, and only rarely do his little hands and feet turn blue.
However, over the past week things have changed and this afternoon was the first time I have really felt like a mother of sick child. A few days ago I noticed that Zane was starting to take more naps, not long naps, but 30 minutes to an hour here or there, usually in his swing. He would get crabby and I wouldn't know what was going on, but it would end up that he was just tired. I didn't think much of this until this weekend when I really began to notice him playing less and sleeping more. Today I am here with him by myself and his exhaustion has become even more clear. He tries to play, but after a very short time in his gym or his bouncy chair he gets very fussy. When I pick him up he doesn't fight and squirm out of the cuddle, which he would have done as recently as last week, but instead quickly falls asleep on my shoulder with only a few pats and a little rocking.

This new stage of our journey is breaking my heart. I know that he will soon be all fixed up and hopefully back to playing and smiling in no time. But for now I am back on constant guard, checking his breathing, seeing if he looks more blue to me, making sure he wakes up easily, calling the nurse practitioner, scheduling appointments for his oxygen saturation to be checked again, and mainly missing playing with my baby boy.

Surgery prep

We are just a little over two weeks out from Zane's surgery. This means that surgery prep 2010 is in full effect around the Korenak house hold. It started with Zane going to his last day of day care on Thursday. His day care ladies were sad to see him go and share in the nervousness of what lies ahead. They have been very accommodating and so nice through everything. Zach brought all his stuff home from day care since he will be out for about six weeks.

Today the preparations continued with a trip to the American Red Cross to donate blood for Zane. Zach had forgotten to call and answer the prep questions so his appointment had been cancelled. We thought surely they could just ask him the questions in person, but I guess not. He has to call Monday and reschedule, how crazy. But I was able to donate today. This was an extremely strange feeling/situation. First of all we can't get anyone to tell us Zane's blood type. It could be that he has never had a type and screen done, which I find hard to believe, but appears to be true since no one has documentation of his blood type. This means that we really don't know if any of our blood will be used and I feel like the blood bank people at Children's are going to be really confused as to why people directly donated blood that is not the patient's blood type. It was also very strange to leave my seemingly perfectly healthy baby, sleeping in his car seat, with Zach while I go donate blood for his open heart surgery. The lady asking all the pre donation questions was very confused when I told her the blood was for the adorable baby in the waiting room. Whether it is useful or not it was something I could do to possibly help. It was yet another one of those situations when I stepped back and thought, 'wow I never thought I would have to be doing this.' I have been having a lot of those situations recently.

After blood donating we made a trip to Target to get things you need when company is coming, toilet paper, paper towels, ect. We then headed home to start the deep clean of our house. This was needed for many reasons, I haven't been in much of a cleaning mood as of late and Zane is pretty much on house arrest now so it needs to be super clean and stay that way. I was randomly really light headed all day so I did not get as much done as I had hoped but we will be back at it tomorrow.

I realized this afternoon that I think Zane is starting to sleep more during the day. It took me a little bit to remember why this was happening. He seems to get more tired, get crabby, and then fall asleep very easily when you put him in his swing with a blanket and binki. I rarely see any signs of his conditions and he is such a happy baby it is easy to forget anything is wrong, but I do think this new found tiredness is due to his little heart working so hard.

As far as my personal surgery prep, that isn't going so well. I have gotten to where I can picture being in the waiting room, sadly I have a pretty good idea of what he will look like in the cardiac ICU, I have positive picture of him laughing and smiling later on when he is on the floor, but the one thing I cannot picture is how I will ever be able to get him to the hospital. We won't know what time his surgery is until the day before, but how can I possibly  take my happy baby boy, playing and laughing, put him in his car seat and take him to have his chest cut open. I cannot handle this. He has no idea what is about to happen and I cannot imagine how we will ever get in the car. At some point every day I think about this, take a moment to try to figure out what I am going to do, and the moment ends with  me looking at Zane's happy face and crying. For now I am trying to enjoy each moment with our little man without letting myself  think to far ahead, but there just isn't enough time left.

Game day... then and now

I meant to write this post after the first game day weekend of this football season but... things happened so I am just now getting around to it. My fellow Sooner alumni know what all goes into a proper game day. In college, game day started with me getting up, generally having to set an alarm, to watch ESPN Game Day, which at the time was on at 9am, if I remember correctly. I would lay in bed and watch the entire 2 hour show for the ten minutes where they would talk about how awesome the Sooners were. Usually Anna and I would then eat orange danishes and start getting ready for the game ( of course if it was an 11am kickoff we were in the stadium by 9am, because students had to get there two hours early to claim their seats).

Once we arrived at the stadium, 2 hours before kickoff, we met up with our friend Jeff and my brother Able ( while he was still there) and the waiting commenced. During these two hours we generally thought we were going to die of a heat stroke and/or kill the pre-game entertainment on the field who were trying to keep the students "entertained" by random competitions students participated in. Every week there was a give away of some sort, ranging from paper signs, to foam football helmets. The give aways were only in the student section and obviously made our two hour wait totally worth while. There of course were the pre-game warm ups, the bands pre-game events, ect.. (the picture to the left is of Jeff and I rocking our foam helmets) but all that started much closer to actual game time. Thinking back on it I am sure by the time the game actually started we were all completely dehydrated because I don't remember drinking anything at games, except on the rare occasions when I splurged for a diet coke ( not really helping the dehydration).

Once the game started it was four hours on your feet screaming and cheering for our beloved Sooners. I am pretty sure I only witnessed one loss, so generally the day ended with great celebration as the Sooners blew out who ever they were playing. I was there when Adrian Peterson was in his prime, so that was tons of fun to witness as well. On a side note I almost hit Adrian Peterson with my car one time. That would have been highly negative, I feel I might have been murdered by Bob Stoops or a hit man the school hired. I digress, this fun was repeated each Saturday that there was a home game. It was four hours a week I wasn't studying and in reality was the only real social thing I did in college, minus my roommates and I's trips to Rusty's frozen custard ( yes I was a nerd and trying hard to get in to medical school, what a waste of time).

When I graduated and moved to Missouri game day festivities definitely decreased, mainly due to the fact that not all of our games were on TV here and I had two teams to cheer for, Oklahoma and Missouri. When I started working I got to see even less games since I work every third weekend. The plus side to this was that I had less anxiety about the Sooners season but generally the season would end with the Sooners in a big time bowl game, frequently the national championship, and they would loose hard. Not fun.

The picture below is of Able, Dad, and I at an OU vs. Mizzou game in Columbia. They came to visit Zach and I while we were living there, briefly. Of course in true Dad (OSU alumni) fashion, he rocked the orange.

This season game day changed drastically. The first week of the season, which was labor day weekend, Zach and I laughed at the idea that just last year we had set an alarm to get up to watch game day. I laughed at the thought of how worked up and stressed out I would get when I watched Sooners games. OU vs. Texas weekend was never fun, it was just stressful. On our first game day as parents we set the rules of Zane's clothes on game day. The rule is Zane wears the outfit of the team playing at that time. He will continue wearing that outfit until a) the game is over or b) you run out of outfits (due to vomit ect), at which time he will be put back in the other team's apparel until the end of game day.  I have to say Zane looked super cute in his clothes.

We had a fun BBQ, on the first game day, with Zach's best friend Adam and his family. They were in town for the Mizzou vs. IL game. They came over after the game and everyone was decked out in their Mizzou clothes. We took this adorable little family photo, Zach and Zane look like they are part of the family.

So far this season I have "watched" two games. I barely paid attention to either game, mainly due to the cute baby playing on the floor next to me. At one point Zach came in and asked why we weren't winning by more and it was the first time I could legitimately say I didn't know and truly didn't care. I wish the Sooners well and will always be a huge fan but am glad I can not be so stressed out by a silly football game. You need that attitude to be a Sooners fan since generally our season ends in heart ache.