I'm Tired of Doing Hard Things

A few months ago Zach and I were talking about how if we could just have one  year without any sort of trauma such as huge medical bills, maternity leaves, or months where I don't get to work, we'd be doing so great. I think it was in July that I said this because I got excited at the thought that we'd made it over half the year without anything to terrible happening. I guess the universe heard me and August has been filled with traumatizing things.




We started off August with Rowan's second broken arm. This I am sure will come with lots of medical bills, but in the short term it's come with all sorts of emotions and sadness to navigate my poor boy through. He's missing baseball desperately and about once a day he comes to me crying telling me how he can't do ANYTHING because of his arm. This is mostly true. He can't play rough, ride a bike or a scooter, climb on the pirate ship, play catch, practice sliding, go swimming, run through sprinklers, and the list goes on an on. This struggle of course effects everyone in the family since now all the boys can't really do those things.




Just about the time we'd gotten Rowan somewhat pulled together the universe decided to traumatize his sweet little soul once more Monday night. The boys were somehow fully asleep by nine o'clock at night, which never happens, when our phones alarm with a tornado warning, quickly followed by the tornado sirens going off. Zach and I dragged our sleeping babies out of bed tired and into the storm shelter, with their blankets and stuffed animals in toe, and me with a diaper bag full of snacks. Zane woke up ready for the action, ready to be a hero, Rowan woke up a ball of emotions. This fits their personalities to a T. We in no way had been paying attention to the weather, because as I had just told Rowan not two days before, there aren't tornadoes in August.




Turns out there are tornadoes in August, approximately three miles from my house. We were all huddled in our tiny shelter, everyone shaking and scared, but keeping it together. After a few minutes Zach went up to check the TV to see where the storm was. This prompted the boys, mainly sweet emotional Rowan, to scream bloody murder. He screamed daddy as though his dad was walking out into an actual tornado, never to be seen again. I had to physically restrain him from running after him. I also had shaking, crying two year old clinging to me for dear life, and Zane joined in on the panic as well. This screaming continued until Zach got back to tell us all was clear and we come out. Rowan then spent the next hour holding me, physically shaking, telling me
"I was so scared mommy, I tried to pray, but I was too scared." God bless his little soul. He ended up sleeping with me for part of that night so he could calm down.




School was cancelled on Tuesday and we tried to make a fun day of it. I took them out to lunch and ice cream. We watched a movie, we played, and we cuddled a lot as I was trying to actively rewrite the narrative of this particular traumatizing childhood experience. I am not sure how that worked out since the following day brought an even more traumatizing experience for everyone.



The boys went back to school Wednesday after a long late start morning full of cuddles and reliving the traumatizing events of the previous night. When they got home Zane asked to play outside. I distinctly remember saying, "it's so hot why don't you just play inside and rest before baseball practice." This worked for maybe twenty minutes then out they went. They were correct in their assessment that it wasn't really that hot and I joined them outside enjoying the shade of our new pergola. I saw Zane standing on the tallest board, at the top of the pirate ship, one hand over his head, holding a stick that he's hitting one of the sails with. "Zane, get down you're going to fall and break your neck." Not five minutes later Rowan calmly comes and tells me "Zane fell off the pirate ship." And by off the pirate ship I don't mean the place where humans should be standing, I mean on top of the boards that are there to keep you from falling.




Let me just say I am and will always remain a neuro nurse at heart. I spent five years as a neuro nurse seeing children with traumatic brain injuries from things much less drastic than a ten foot fall. Random freak accidents where kids ended up paralyzed or worse. When these traumatic events happen in my life, and they happen frequently now days, there is a moment where I take a deep breath and flip the internal switch in my brain from mother to nurse. This split second moment consists of me as mother having a full panic attack as all the horrible things that may have happened to my baby flashes through my mind. It's fast, but it's real. Then I change hats and begin calmly assessing the situation, starting with the most important question in my book, "Did you hit your head?"




Zane claims he doesn't remember how he fell or what he hit, but that he was sitting on top of the pirate ship not standing when he fell. This is key since he's almost five feet tall and that would've made the fall that much worse. Rowan says he saw him hit is arm and his head. Initial assessment wasn't too bad, a huge bruise on the underside of his left arm, I'm not sure what he fell on, but it left quite the mark.. I wasn't concerned that his arm may be broken because Zane has the industrial strength bones, which he desperately needs with his solid lack of fear and common sense. He also complained of the side of his head hurting which means he did hit his head from a fall greater than his own height. If you're wondering when to be concerned about falls, it's when they are greater than the person's height, onto a hard surface, and when they hit their head, check, check, check in this case.




I decided to wait and see how he did. I figured at least he had a concussion at worst he had a bleed or a skull fracture. I vetoed baseball practice, which didn't seem like a good idea after a probable concussion and possible worse brain injuries yet to be determined. Zane was subdued while Zach and I were trying hard not be furious at him for doing things we've told him not to do REPEATEDLY. I thought we were going to be ok until I got out of the shower and Zach told me that Zane had thrown up. Zane followed that up with saying that he was seeing spots and his neck hurt. Do you want to know what the line in the sand, as far as when to go to the ER with a head injury is, if they throw up, have vision changes, or are complaining of neck pain. If their pupils have changed you're generally too late, it's typically a very late sign of internal bleeding. Check, check, check, again!


So off I headed back to the ER for the second time in the past month. I called the coordinator at the hospital on my way in. She informed me the ER was completely full, great! Zane and I spent three hours in the ER waiting room even though we were checked in as a "trauma" and he was placed in a c-collar the moment we arrived. I could tell Zane felt bad about the whole thing and we both were exhausted when we arrived. I was not prepared for a seven hour ER ordeal, but that's what it ended up being. After three hours in the waiting room we spent another four in an actual room, the one right next door to where he'd been last Feb. for when we were there for his heart.


Once we got back into his room it became clear that he definitely has some PTSD from his time in the hospital. All the alarms and constant blood pressures being taken stressed him out. He's never been that way before, but this is the first situation he's been in with the monitors and all the  machines since he was in patient. Making this worse is the fact that he does have a bit of an arrhythmia so the EKG monitor would alarm every five minutes, as a constant reminder that yes he is also a heart patient, in case we forgot. He had an xray, a CT scan, and bought himself a c-collar after saying he felt tenderness on his upper back/neck when they pushed around on it. This most likely means there is some soft tissue/muscle strain there which could effectively make his neck more susceptible to injury. You definitely want your cervical spine fully stable since that's where things like breathing take place.



We didn't leave the hospital until four in the morning. Zane finally fell asleep for a little bit around three. I didn't sleep, I just sat and tried to wrap my mind around our crazy life. I've said it a lot that the bar for me being upset, worried, or flustered is really high. This is the beauty of being a heart mom. When you start off parenting with an open heart surgery everything else if manageable. This remains true. The scenario of taking my kid into the ER with a potential brain/spinal injury I thought would be my worst nightmare when I was pregnant with Zane. Turns out it's not my worst nightmare. We've survived the worst nightmare, twice. This was bad, this was scary, this was in no way fun, but it's all manageable.


 Zane and I stayed home Thursday and after Zach went to work he came and slept in my bed because he was scared. I just kept finding myself singing the Hamilton line "the fact that you're alive is a miracle, to stay alive, that would be enough," all day. This sentiment rings so true. Miracles happened to keep you alive kid, please don't kill yourself doing something stupid. At one point he told me he "probably wouldn't climb back up their again," and I almost killed him myself. I know his frontal lobe isn't developed, but we've got to work on having some common sense. I loved on him all day yesterday and Grandma came to give him hugs and pats as well. He's feeling much better and went to school today in his c-collar, pretty embarrassed by it all. He was getting a math button of some kind at the assembly and had me ask his teacher to just give it to him in class so he wouldn't have to walk up in front of the whole school.

 Yes, Zane has the best attitude of anyone I know, always with a smile on his face, even in a c-collar, working on 4 hours of sleep. The ER doctor told him he'd have to wear the collar for two weeks. Zane's response, "two weeks isn't that bad." My response, that's insane I'm getting in to see a neurosurgeon on Tuesday. We'll see how it plays out.



Our neighbor and Zane's Cub Scout den leader brought him snacks. He's nothing if not well loved.



I would really like to not have to bath all of my children every night. The bath time routine last night was just absolutely ridiculous. Zane has a second c-collar that is just foam that we have to change him into before he showers, then change it back to the padded one when he's finished. I also have to bath him because he'll for sure fall down trying to bend over to wash his body while wearing a c-collar. Rowan has to have his arm covered and helped be bathed as well. Thatcher put on a slap bracelet at one point yesterday and said, "Oh no Mamma, I hurt my arm." I should probably wrap him in bubble wrap before he breaks both of his legs. I am beginning to question if maybe the crazy helicopter, over protective mothers might be on to something. Their children maybe aren't as adventurous as mine, but I am confident that they aren't spending hours in the ER, multiple times a month. Zach and I have had the conversation if we should be more protective of them. I'm not sure I know where I land on that debate.


We can do hard things, but frankly at this point I am tired of doing hard things. I am tired of ending up in my bed with a sick, broken child all the time. I'm tired of waiting on medical bills that I know are coming. I'm tired of meeting my maximum out of pocket every year. The emotions in my house from all these traumatizing events is too much to manage at times. Most evening I end up on the couch smothered by boys, all whose hugs sacks are empty and are in need of attention. All of this on top of back to school is exhausting. We were going to spend Labor Day weekend at the lake, I think I'd rather spending in bed, or on the couch covered with boys. I'm going to hold them tight and not let them out of my sight in hopes of keeping them safe for a few days.

Weekly Round Up

Last Sunday I went back to Hamilton with my best friend Anna who had never seen it or even made it all the way through the cast album. It was all brand new to her and I think watching it with someone who had no idea what to expect made the whole thing that much more fun. The audience that night was also really into it which was different from the other two times I had seen it and made it lots of fun. I got to see the actor who normally plays Hamilton for this company and thought he was fantastic. I had gone into it thinking I might be insane for buying another ticket, but I'd do it again in a heartbeat. Of course Anna loved it, as everyone does, and walked out saying, "it's the best thing ever, but not just by a little bit, like ten times better than anything else I've ever seen." I could not agree more!

 Bright and early Monday Rowan and I headed back to the hospital to get his real cast placed. This of course is old hat for Rowan, but he is still very sad about missing baseball and nervous about how long/how many different casts he'll have this time.

 I mistakenly suggested that he get a blue cast, since he hadn't had that color yet, which promptly made him choose red instead. To me this cast seems like it's much tighter and goes farther up his arm than his previous casts so in turn it is more uncomfortable and rubs against his skin more.

 I had asked the doctor how long he would need to not play baseball, because I am apparently that mother now. He said 6-7 weeks and when I maybe suggested he could still play catch a little bit I was informed by the doctor, in no uncertain terms, that no he was not supposed to do ANYTHING for six to seven weeks. This break is in the growth place and needs to heal just right or his arm could grow wrong the rest of his life. So he can't do anything where he could potentially fall down, no climbing, no lifting, nothing. So I decided not to mention that I had let him ride his scooter, in the rain, the previous day, before he even had a full cast on. Oops!

 Monday evening we got to watch Able and Kari's sweet kiddos. They are the cutest little nuggets and my boys just adore them. Alice is quite fond of Zane these days, requesting that he cuddle her during evening movie time. They are just darling!

 I don't think it was really this little one's bedtime, but I just put babies to sleep. It's what I do, I can't help it. He let me snuggle him quite a bit that evening because he was battling ear infections. I didn't mind.

 Rowan is still turning in the perks of his broken arm. Tuesday he finally got his sympathy snow cone that he'd been requesting for a week.

Then yesterday my Aunt Laurie, who is the absolute greatest, sent the boys Lego sets to do in hopes of cheering up my small boy. He was so excited and it definitely brightened his day.

 This was Thatcher and I's first week of the boys being gone all week and me working on days other than the weekend. In good news Thatcher LOVES school. He wears a backpack like a big boy when he leaves, he loves playing with his friends (which he told me repeatedly when I got home from work), he takes a nap, he plays with toys, and from all reports enjoys some time away from home. At home he is growing into such a big boy, helping me with all sorts of things. He put the trash cans away this week, we water the flowers daily, he helps me change the laundry over, and we are working on him getting better at picking up his toys when he's done playing. There is room for improvement on that last one for sure. This week we also have instituted the dinosaur stool as a time out location in an attempt mainly to keep him from hurting his brothers, which he does constantly.



Thatcher's obsession with Spiderman, and really all super heroes, continues and leads to fun car moments like the ones below. Yes, we took a wooden Spiderman sign to the grocery store with us. This was not a battle I was going to fight, three kids later I've learned a lot. He also frequently wears his super hero costumes to Aunt Abbey's house, apparently while reading magazines. He's so funny!

Our morning walks to the bus stop continue and usually are followed by a walk through the neighborhood with T. I really need to get in the habit of going to the gym, but don't want to drive to the bus stop, but also don't want to walk there, walk back and then go. I'll figure it out, but when it's nice cool mornings like we had this week I'm happy to walk with them.

 Thursday was the first Pack meeting of the year and the boys wore their Class A in hopes of getting some other friends to join.



 Zane is bear this year and this will be his last year in the blue Cub Scout outfit!

Rowan is a Tiger this year and this is his first year in Class A. I personally enjoy the cheese socks addition to this outfit. 

 There is a new Pack Leader this year and they are doing all sorts of new things in hopes of growing the Pack and making it a little more fun for the kids. I know the leadership put a lot of work into the back to school recruitment event and it looks like it all paid off. There were tons of new kids/family at the event and I think a lot of them decided to join. We invited Zane's best buddy to come with us. He had said when he slept over this summer that he wanted to be a Scout and I've been trying to convince his mother to let him join ever since. I think ended up signing him and his sister up which is awesome. Zane was so excited that his best friend would be going to campouts with him

 Zach is the Tiger Den leader and I think seven little first graders signed up to be in the den this year. This means we are going to have to put a little more thought into the den meetings and possibly begin planning prior to a day or two before. I will try to be of assistance and get our house ready for seven first graders to descend upon it, though I probably won't be super helpful with the actual meeting since I have a two year old.  

 There was a rain gutter regatta which they'd never done before. Thatcher loved making his little juice box boat, but didn't grasp the blowing on it to make it sale concept.

 Yesterday Zach and I finally bit the bullet and bought a new bed. We hadn't bought a new one since about six months after we got married. Thirteen years is too long to wait and our mattress had been getting increasingly terrible for a few years. I could not be more excited about going to sleep tonight. Turns out we bought a lot of things in those first couple years that are all beginning to fully fall apart. Our bed, our big couch that was in the basement in St. Louis, but has been well worn here, and most concerning Zach's car. Zach's car is hanging in there, but buying a new one is definitely on the horizon and we are not looking forward to it.


After the bed buying the boys and I got to attend my friend's Harry Potter party, celebrating her and her husband adopting two sweet girls out of foster care. I work with Annie and truly can't believe the journey they've been through with these girls. I am amazed and impressed with them and know they'll be great parents.

 Here's Annie and Zane. Yes, Zane is as tall, if not taller than her and he found this very entertaining. Zane was also quite the harsh credit of their amazing HP decorations (a lot of which we loaned to her) but overall was thoroughly impressed and had a great time.

 This is my second attempt at a Whomping Willow and I personally think it's amazing. If only there was a way to get a car stuck in there.

 There was all sorts of wizarding games, including everyone having a frozen spell put on them and then having to try to get their cookies off their faces and in their mouths. Rowan was successful, Zane not so much.

 As always Zane quickly became the leader of games, organizing the kids to do all sorts of fun things after the adult game leader had moved on. Zane is an absolute natural born leader and I never cease to be amazed by it.



First Week of School 2019

After our rough end to summer Tuesday evening, everyone woke up incredibly early for the first day of school Wednesday. In our school district school starts and hour later on Wednesday for professional development. There are times that I love this extra hour I get with my kids in the morning. Then there are times, like the first day of school, when everyone wakes up at 5:45am and it feels like we have an entire day to get through before it's time to go to school. Zane reminded me last week that I always make them biscuits and gravy on the first day of school. I had forgotten this tradition and the tradition of me driving them to school on the first day, both of which I was quickly reminded of by my oldest son.


So we were up early, biscuits and gravy made, eaten, with everyone dressed, pictures taken, and ready to go by 7:30am. The doors of the school open at 9:20am. So we sat and stewed and got more nervous and felt more emotions until everyone was about to burst. Then we headed to school to get a parking spot. This means getting to the parking lot twenty minutes early so we could actually park, then more sitting, more stewing, and listening to Wait For It from Hamilton which I had been singing all morning.

Brother pictures were taken by eight a.m. for fear of the clean shirts, faces, and brushed hair being ruined.

Let's talk about Zane for a minute. Zane was an emotional wreck Tuesday during the day and Tuesday evening. He was sad about his friends being in a different classes, he was nervous about his reading, and I think just nervous about all the changes in general. He usually isn't my emotional one so this was outside of his norm and piled on top of my usually emotional child who was starting his new school year with a cast on. Zane came home from his first day with not much to report. Everyone was nice, he saw his friends, he got to play with some of his buddies at recess. No breaking news beyond the fact that he was exhausted and fell asleep on the couch (see my heart mom self panicking).

Thursday evening we went to back to school night and his teacher showed us his journal for that day where he was asked to write about how he felt about going back to school. He wrote that he was emotional, nervous, scared, and said that he had cried all night the night before school. Oh my! Friday morning he had a full fledged breakdown about reading, refusing to read, wanting to change his book for the 5th time in like two weeks, me not letting him, huge fight, more tears. Not sure what's going on, but it was not a great way to start the day. I don't know why this year has him so shook and full of emotions, but hopefully it gets better soon. His teacher already loves him (like all teacher do) and he seems to like her and his classmates as well. I think his teacher is very pulled together based on back to school night and believe everything well be fine. However, things do get harder in third grade. They change classrooms for all their subjects, there are tests during the year, and the big state testing at the end of the year. He kind of coasted through last year so he will have to probably work a little harder than he is used to.

Ok, on to Rowan! Rowan is baseline emotional, but considering his current circumstances I'd say he's doing really well. He is mainly upset that he can't sleep in his bunk bed until he gets his hard cast put on Monday. So he is sleeping in the office and managed to convince his brother to share the bed with him last night. I think he's embarrassed that he broke his arm again, but turns out no one cares. He also didn't have a lot of information to share with me after coming home from his first day of school. He has some friends from kindergarten in his class, he likes his teacher, and that was pretty much the extent of his sharing. He told me something about everyone having an imaginary bucket on their heads and being nice fills it up and being mean dumps it out. I was fully confused, but I guess it was a book about kindness they had read that was somewhat explained information night. 

I left information night feeling slightly concerned about his teacher. She student taught at Prairie Vale years ago, taught grade school for a couple years, then was a stay at home mom for eight years. The past few years she taught two year olds. She seemed slightly lost, but hoping she figures it all out and doesn't get eaten alive by the room full of kindergarteners. In good news every grade level at our school added an extra teacher this year so the class sizes are much smaller. Rowan's I think has twenty one and Zane's only has twenty which is perfect.  



This picture makes me a little sad. This is Zane's last year at the same school as Rowan for a long time. This means this is the last year I will get to walk them into school together. To be fair I didn't walk them into their classes. I walked them to the front door because they go immediately outside to recess, not to their classrooms. Also I was afraid Thatcher would start screaming and I'd have to drag him out of the building. In good news everyone did great. Zane's best friend, who isn't in his class this year, met us in line so they got to walk in together which I think helped a lot.

The frustrating/sad news from the first week of school is the fact that our perfect, magical, driveway bus stop has been moved, along way away. Apparently last year when they did the redistricting Prairie Vale had about one hundred and fifty students added to their district. This means this many more students have to be bused. A combination of that and the fact that there is no money to add buses or bus drivers has resulted in all the bus stops in our neighborhood being moved out to the big, main, through road. For some people this means their bus stops remained the same. For some it means their bus stops are fifty feet from their house. For us it means our bus stop is now a quarter of a mile away since we live way back in the back of the neighborhood. The first day I drove them to school and they road the bus home, getting off at their assigned bus stop. Thatcher and I left ten minutes early and didn't make it there in time to meet them getting off the bus. Then we walked ten minutes home in the one hundred degree heat. No one was happy.

So on Thursday morning we decided we'd try going to the bus stop that is by the lake. This is maybe 50 yards down the road from our assigned bus stop. It seems some what closer and at least we can walk/wait in the shade. We had hopes that his neighborhood friend would get on the bus with him at this bus stop, but apparently the kids on the other side of the street (literally just on the other side of the crosswalk) are on a completely different bus, that picks them up maybe ten minutes later, because that is obviously helping to decrease cost. As long as it isn't raining, snowing, or freezing cold this walk won't be too bad. The boys can walk to and from by themselves, and it'll be fine. However, if it is any of those things I'll have to drive them and take part in the insanity that is school drop off and pick up. It's all sad and frustrating to say the least, as evidence by Zane's face in this picture. Their bus also leaves almost thirty minutes later in the morning, which for most people would be a bonus. For my early rising kids they just sit and get restless.

Now as for my littlest boy, I had been worried that he was going to be depressed and lost once his brother's went to school. He was ever so slightly sad after we dropped them off, but since his donut in the grocery store he's been the happiest I might have ever seen him.

Somehow he sweet talks his way into a donut at this particular grocery store most days we go there.

With the longer walk to the bus stop means Thatcher is already loaded up in his stroller so we went ahead and took Woody on a walk through the hood Friday morning.

Thatcher is into all things Toy Story, after watching the first and second one multiple times this summer. I could not love this more. I am a firm believer that Woody actually comes to life when I'm not watching so Thatcher taking him on adventures does my heart good.

I found this cape while going through baby toys that need to be given away. Thatcher is convinced it makes him Buzz Lightyear and proceeds to fly to infinity and beyond, off of the couch. Thatcher played all day Wednesday, so happy. He played with all kinds of different things, becoming super bossy if he didn't have my undivided attention for a minute. I could not believe how much fun he was having and that continued all week. Apparently he welcomed his brothers leaving.

I was also reminded just how much I love this age. Two years old before potty training battles start in earnest. His imagination is exploding and he finally has all the words to talk about it. He put Woody to sleep, he read Spiderman a book, he's all kinds of different super heros throughout the day, it's just so much fun. I know that three is hard and that potty training will have to eventually happen and I'll eventually need to work on teaching him things. But for this momentary phase we just play and he jabbers on all day and I LOVE IT! 

Thatcher also spent a lot of time actually playing with trains. Zane NEVER did this, until a few weeks ago when we got these down again. As a little kid he immediately would tear up the track then move on to the next thing. Rowan probably would have loved to play with trains had Zane still not been a force of destruction at that time. Glad we decided to keep all this stuff and there remains nothing cuter than a two year old, playing trains, in his diaper. Yes, he's still in a diaper. I hate potty training. Don't judge me.

It was a long week. Zach and I have spent lots of time brain storming evening schedules and prioritizing academics once baseball starts again. We've decided to keep our summer morning schedules, of having to have read for 20 minutes prior to electronics being used, in place. I think we'll implement that in the evening also, as well as needing to build in ten or fifteen minutes for math facts. It's too much stuff in too little time and I really just want them to come home and play and pretend like school doesn't exist, but sadly that isn't how life works.

Rowan remains devastated that he can't play baseball, as does his coach and teammates. Losing Rowan is a big hit for the Cubbies. He might be able to field if his cast isn't above his elbow, but  I think it will have to go above his elbow, so probably missing all of fall ball yet again. I have had the back to school burst of organizing energy this week, going through toys and clothes now that I only have one boy on my body and generally no fights to break up during the day. Things will get really real next week as we learn the actual status of Rowan's arm and real school work begins.