Baptism

As most of you know Zane was baptised this past Sunday. We had initially not planned on having him baptised until about September, in order to spread out my families trips. However, when we found out about his condition it went from wanting to get him baptised at some point to needing to get him baptised before his surgery.

This was another event in his life that didn't happen quite like we had pictured it. It was a beautiful ceremony full of blessings for Zane, his parents, and God parents. He wore the beautiful silk gown that his Great Grandmother Baker made 60 years ago. That was absolutely lovely and a perfect way to tie the past into the present. His God parents were Able, since Zane is his name sake and my college roommate Anna. Anna has been there for every tough time in my life since college, each time reminding me to turn to my faith for strength.

We had a little get together at our house afterwards full of tasty food and time for Zane to be loved on by his family. All of Zach and I's families where able to come and a few of Zach's family that live in the STL came as well. After all the visitors left we played a couple of intense games of bean bags with the new bean bag boards Able and Zach made ( bean bags were made by Georgia and Amy, another blog post to come).

All of the above was how I had pictured my child's baptism for years ( well maybe without the bean bag playing). However, the day was so much different than I had imagined as well. Starting with the fact that in the back of every one's mind was Zane's impending open heart surgery. Everyone had the thought that he needed to be baptised before his surgery in case.... In my mind the end of that sentence is left blank. Of course I know the worse case scenario, but I, like probably everyone else there, was not allowing myself to think that, but it was still there.

The major difference from how I had pictured this day playing out was that after the baptism the Deacon gave Zane a special blessing. It was great to have him blessed and obviously we will take all the blessings and prayers we can get, but at the same time I wish it didn't have to be part of the day. I try to stop myself from asking why this had to happen to my baby, because I know it will get me no where, but some times it is hard to not have that as my prayer. I know nothing is ever as you see it or plan it to be but this was another moment where briefly I morned what I thought it would be like.

All and all it was a wonderfully blessed day. I drew strength from being surrounded by the love and prayers of our family. I am so grateful to everyone who was able to come and for all of you who sent your well wishes and gifts. Thanks!

-Side note: How adorable was Zane's post baptism outfit! Much thanks to Able for going to a baby boutique to get it for me. It really brightened the day!

PMD appointment

Zane had his one month doctor's appointment today. To quote the Dr. " he looks perfectly normal and healthy, until you listen to his heart." Here are the vital statistics:

Weight: 11lb 7oz - no weight gain over the weekend ( 90th percentile )

Length: 23.75 inches (95th percentile )

Head circumference: 36cm ( 20th percentile )

He has a little cradle cap which showed up right on schedule at 6 weeks. He apparently likes to look to his right more than his left which she said has led to a little bit of flat spot on the back of his head. I can't see it and hadn't noticed him favoring looking to one side over the other. This is nothing to be concerned about. He can look all directions and fixes and follows great. He got the second shot of the Hepatitis B vaccine, which he took like a champ, with very minimal crying.

So really nothing exciting to report. I kept thinking how awesome it would be if that was really only the second doctor's appointment he had in his life. And how usually you don't know how much weight they have gained until this appointment and everyone is really interested in what percentile he is in what category. Sadly I am not that interested in his vital statistics, well at least not of that sort. But for now no more doctors appointment until 17th.

Rib update

As Saturday progressed it became more apparent that something was not right with my rib cage. I ignored it most of the day while we were busy with the baptism planning and food prep. Zach's parents and Grandmother came over with baptism party supplies and my family finally got to my house after a bit of an ordeal with the rental car. They got slightly lost on the way here from the airport but finally made it. By the time the end of the day rolled around the rib pain had worsened and the pain had gone from one point to radiating up my sternum. I debated whether or not to go to urgent care and finally my mother told me " if you don't know you should go." We got vaguely distracted at this time planning a way to use this catch phrase in advertising or tshirts or something, but finally decided Anna should take me to urgent care since Zach was still involved in the epic meat smoking ordeal.

We finally got to urgent care at around 7 ( it closed at 8pm) and everyone working there was totally bored so I think they probably welcomed my visit. I was seen very quickly and it was determined that I have costochondritis, big word for inflammation of the connective tissue between the ribs and the sternum. The doctor also said there was inflammation/possible tear in the connective tissue between my ribs. The even better news is that this can take up to a month to stop hurting and really all you can do is take Ibuprofen. In good news I have moved up from the 600mg Ibuprofen I had gotten after having Zane to 800mg Ibuprofen. I have to say this is working much better. I also got a script for Flexeril, a muscle relaxer, for the back pain I have been having.

The best part of the trip was getting to use the Insty Meds machine. I had never seen such a contraption. It is basically a medication ATM which dispensed my pills to me after a couple brief phone convos with a women, who I can only assume lives in the huge Insty Meds machine. It really wasn't instant by any stretch of the imagination, maybe they should call it decently quick meds. Anna did take a picture of me waiting for my meds but upon review of this picture, where I looked morbidly obese, I decided it didn't need to be shared with the world.

Bottom line I took a muscle relaxer the past two nights while Anna and Able woke up with my baby. It was fantastic sleep but no relief of the rib pain. Much thanks to Anna and Able for taking care of their God Son so we could sleep!

Rib pain

Yesterday on the way home from our cardiologist appointment I started to have a sharp pain in my left chest. It was below my boob and next to my sternum. This pain worsened when I took a deep breathe or moved so I ruled out a heart attack, which was of course my first thought. I then thought it was due to my horrible back ache I had a few days ago but I had thought it had gotten better. My left neck and back were also kind of hurting at this time so I thought maybe the pain was just wrapping around my chest. Anna, who is a physical therapist, looked at my ribs, neck, back ect. and got me all realigned and palpated. The pain was still there but I thought after I slept it would go away.

Sadly this was not how it played out. I tried to go to bed early, 9:45, so I could get some sleep before Zane woke up and before Uncle Able arrived at 12:30ish. Zane woke up at midnight and I had yet to fall asleep because I was trying to find a position where I wasn't in a ton of pain. I tried heating the area but wasn't sure if putting a heating pad directly over your heart was a good idea. Finally, after feeding Zane I took a percoset which I had from after having a baby ( mind you I took about two of these total in the week after having Zane). This made me a little sleeping but didn't touch my rib pain.

By this time it had come back to me that this pain was a lot like the pain I had when I had separated my ribs, from coughing, during the ice storm of 2002 ( another story all together). We had no power, hence no heating pad, so I eventually just turned to NyQuil to try to sleep off the pain, and the ice storm. I have no idea how I would have separated or strained/pulled the rib area but I am now pretty miserable. It hurts to cough, laugh, breathe, lay down, hold my baby, you pretty much name it. Of course my fear as a nurse is that I will some how get pneumonia because I can't take deep breaths, that's totally rational, right? Good thing I probably couldn't hold my baby tomorrow if I tried with all the people who will be here ready to love on him. Here is hoping this resolves soon because when they all go home it is going to be a struggle hauling my chunky baby around!

Cardiologist round 3

Today was Zane's third cardiology appointment in his short little life. My BFF from college, Anna, arrived yesterday for the baptism festivities since she is Zane's God Mother. So she got to come with us to the appointment and see where I work. Good times!!

Anyway the appointment went well. He weighed in at 11 lbs. 7 oz. so he is officially a little chunker. His oxygen saturation was 100%, perfect there. They had initially forgotten to take it and I guessed that he was probably at 97%, I'm such a doubter. We actually got to see Dr. Murphy, which is good. Turns out he only has clinic hours there on Friday, so why after my multiple phone calls they thought they should schedule me for an appointment on Thursday last time I will never know. He said Zane was looking and doing well. One thing he mentioned that makes since but I had never really thought of was that babies who grow fast and eat well have the nutrition needed for their hearts to grow as well, in turn making the condition worsen quicker. So really the babies that make it to a year or so without needing surgery usually are the ones who aren't thriving. I guess it is kind of a blessing and a curse in that he is getting bigger which is good for surgery but at the same time he is getting worse. The doctor reassured me, yet again, that Shaun White, the Olympic snowboard, had this condition and obviously is doing fine. I feel like he talks about Shaun White all day.

As far as when he will be getting his repair the doctor said probably October or November which gets him to around the 4 month mark. This will also get him in and out of the hospital before it gets too nasty with cold and flu season. Of course if he starts showing signs of his condition worsening they can do it before then. It was nice to hear some sort of time frame, but at the same time knowing he will still be really little when he has such a major surgery is really terrifying to me.

For now I am focusing on enjoying the time with all of our friends and family this weekend. Anna arrived yesterday, Able gets here at midnight tonight, and the Oklahoma crew ( Abbey, Maggie, Mom, and Dad ) all arrive tomorrow around noonish. I can't wait to have a full house of friends and family!

Daddy's baby clothes

While I was pregnant my mother in law gave me a box of Zach's ( really Amy's ) favorite clothes from his childhood. They range in size from little baby clothes to a sweat shirt he had in grade school. I had meant to go through the box earlier to make sure we got pictures in all the little clothes, but with everything that has been going on the past month it slipped my mind. Thankfully my sister in law commented on one of my blogs and reminded me that Zach's little overalls might not fit since Zane is getting so chunky.

So yesterday we had a little photo shoot in the basement with all of Zach's baby clothes. Some fit better than other. Also, Zach and I found some outfits cuter than others ,but we took pictures in everything that fit him right now. Zane was a good sport with the whole thing and didn't vomit, pee, or poop on any of the outfits. I was slightly nervous that after Amy took such great care of all these outfits for 26 years that Zane would have a major blowout in one of them. Of course Zane looked super cute in them all.

My personal favorite was the stripped overalls. They were a little long but all and all fit perfectly right now. However, the picture of him in the little blue hate looks exactly like Zach's baby photos which I love as well.

I did begin to appreciate that baby clothes now have snaps instead of the tiny little buttons which are really hard to use with a squirming baby boy. Also, glad that the clothes now are pretty much all made of cotton so they have a little more give than some of these old school outfits.

I am sure Amy has tons of scrapbooking ideas for all these pictures and the pictures she has of Zach in the same outfits. I can't wait to see what she comes up with, I am sure it will be adorable.

Bath Time

Zane has grown into enjoying bath time. Initially he would scream the entire time, which usually wouldn't bother me too much since I give screaming babies baths for a living. However, I hate when he cries for any period of time because I know this is hard on his little heart and I don't want to see his legs/arms turn purple. The past couple of weeks he has gone from tolerating it to I think having a pretty good time. He particularly enjoys when we rinse him off with the warm water. I would think this would take babies back to the womb since they were in warm water for 9 months. Tonight after his bath he was looking particularly cute in his little towel and wanted to share this adorable picture with everyone. I rarely get the towel on him where I can actually use the hood but tonight I managed to make it work.

On a side note I don't think that I have mentioned that Zach has also taken up blogging so check out his blog here and become a follower!

Ten for Tuesday

1. Yesterday Zane met his future daycare ladies. He will be going to an in home daycare run by a mother and daughter. They are super nice and loved Zane, of course. He will go before his surgery and then can go back 6 to 8 weeks after surgery. We felt really good about our decision after meeting with them.

2. Today is another stormy day here in the STL which has made for a cozy morning with my baby boy, loving it.

3. One of my pregnancy friends from work had her baby girl yesterday. She came fairly early but everyone seems to be doing well. So welcome to the world Kinsley Renee and congrats Karen, I love ya!!

4. Zane got to meet another one of my friends from work today. Maggie brought me lunch today and got to meet my little man. She has been one of many of my co-workers fighting over who will get to babysit first. I think she is the winner as she has agreed to babysit on our anniversary. Thanks Maggie!!!

5. My freezing food before Zane arrived plan has really worked out for us. We have had multiple meals that took us no time to prepare. We didn't get as much cooking done as we had planned since Zane came a little early but it was a great idea which I will be doing more of in the future. Thanks to my friend Sarah for giving me the idea!

6. The intense house cleaning has begun in preparation for all our guests this week. It has been a big adjustment trying to clean my house with a newborn. I am use to doing it all at one time, that isn't really working anymore. But I am enjoying the cuddle breaks with Zane.

7. On that note I don't understand how I can sweep my floors everyday and yet the floor is still dirty. Starting to feel OCD, but I hate when my feet are dirty it makes me feel like my house is filthy. Needless to say I have been doing a lot of swiffering.

8. Have a mentioned my love of unnecessary baby items. For example miniature baby shoes, shorts, polo shirts ect. Totally unneeded but adorable. It helps that these things were given to me so I don't have to feel bad for spending money on them. Zane rocks his baby shoes whenever we go out and about, sandals mostly because it is summer after all.

9. I finally ordered Zane's professional pictures. It took me forever to decide what I wanted and ended up buying a completely random selection. I'm sure I will have to order more when I finally decide how I want to frame/hang them. I really don't want to take down any pictures of my nieces and nephews but might have to in order to make room for Zane.

10. I bought Zane a little pair of adorable overalls this weekend and cannot wait for him to wear them. I'll be sure to take a lot of pictures as I know it will be utterly priceless. Maybe we will wait until Grandpa Blakley gets here, I know he will love them.

Happy Tuesday!!!

National Ice Cream Day Celebration

For those of you who follow my Mom's blog you know that yesterday was National Ice Cream Day. I, being a huge ice cream lover, was well aware of this major holiday and had every intention of celebrating it. However, when I tried to get a celebratory Reeses Peanut Butter Cup blizzard at Dairy Queen, I was devastated to find out that they we closed. They claim they were closed because it was Sunday, but seriously Dairy Queen you should know about this very important national holiday and open your doors for ice cream lovers everywhere to celebrate. But don't worry today we were able to celebrate appropriately with a trip to Baskin Robbins. That will teach Dairy Queen to deny me a Blizzard. Zach had the classic single scope of mint chocolate chip in a waffle cone. I found the single scoop just looked sad in that big cone so I got a double scoop of Snickers. Tasty Tasty!!!

Perfect weekend

Over the past week or so things at the Korenak house hold have settled down some what. The past week we had no doctors appointments so there was less to stress about and this weekend we had a clean slate for family time. Our weekend got started off Friday evening with a visit from Zach's cousin Elizabeth. She brought us dinner and we were excited for her to meet Zane and to catch up with her a bit.

Saturday morning Zach set off on gathering supplies and starting the numerous projects he is trying to get done before the baptism festivities next weekend. Zane and I played inside, since 95 degrees and 90% humidity weather isn't for little boys. For lunch on Saturday we headed off to North county to have lunch with Zach's Grandmother. While we were there we tried the baptismal gown on Zane. We loved the gown and it fit Zane perfectly. Our lunch was very tasty, though I wish we would have seen the "no free refills" note on the menu ( seriously it is 2010 there should be free refills). Then we headed home so Zach could get back to his projects and Zane and I could get back to playing.


Sunday morning we woke up to a summer thunderstorm. We opted not to take our 1 month old out in a down pour and instead we had a very cozy morning, complete with naps for everyone. At one point Zach told me that a stormy Sunday morning is one of his favorite things. I too got to do one of my favorite things which is holding my baby while reading a good book. So everyone wins!! After the rain passed by it became a super humid afternoon, classic St. Louis summer weather. We did venture to Baby's R Us and the mall briefly, but mainly it was a very relaxing calm day. We are now all rested and ready for our next round of visitors this week.

Little Cardinal

For those of you who live in the St. Louis area you know that basically everyday, from April until hopefully late October, there is a Cardinals game on TV. I, being from Oklahoma, did not understand nor did I accept this when I first got married. I can only explain this to my fellow Oklahomans by saying, imagine if the Sooners played everyday and if they lost your life wasn't over and the entire season wasn't blown. Sounds like a pretty good deal, right? Well that is what it is like to be a major league baseball fan.

I could not wrap my mind around the fact that not only was there a game basically everyday but also Zach wanted to watch the entire game, everyday. After a month or so a fighting this and questioning it daily, the Cardinals made it into the 2006 World Series. At this point I knew it was a losing battle and decided to teach myself how to crochet so I would have something to do during the endless hours of baseball. I remembered my Grandma Dotter saying, about my Grandpa after he retired"he just sits back there and watches baseball all day, he doesn't do anything" I really began to relate to her on this subject.

Long story short the Cardinals won the 2006 World Series and I gave into the daily Cardinals games and have truly grown to enjoy it. When you watch them everyday you feel like you know the players and I am pretty confident that if I were to meet Albert Pujols we would hug and be best friends ( he is a huge hugger and as super nice guy so I'm sure that is how it would play out). Living in St. Louis and going to games pretty often also helped with making the Cardinals my favorite team.

So naturally when we found out we were pregnant we had to get Zane all kinds of Cardinals apparel. We even told Zach's parents we were pregnant by sending them a little Albert Pujols t-shirt ( he is number five and Zane is their 5th grandchild, cute huh!) An added bonus of the Cardinals is that they are a compromise for Zach and I. Zane has OU and Mizzou clothes, but with his Cardinals apparel both his parents are happy.

Today, naturally we had the Cardinals game on while we were playing with Zane and working around the house.This is the beauty of baseball you can do many things, missing large portions of the game and have actually not missed anything. At some point during this Zane spit up on his initial adorable outfit so I thought it was high time he rocked some Cardinals apparel. He came home in this outfit but it was way to big at the time. Today it fits much better, though the shorts are still way to long ( I think he may have short Blakley legs). So after going outside to show Daddy his cute outfit he played on the floor while "watching" the Cardinals game. He too I'm sure will grow to love this daily ritual we have.

* It should also be noted that while in the delivery room we were watching a Cardinals game and there was a brief moment when I thought Dan and Al ( the Cardinals announcers) may be part of our big day, but Zach did turn the TV off before I started pushing. Cards won that night which I take as a great sign!

4 weeks old

It has been four weeks since we welcomed our little man into the world. I don't know at what point you go from counting weeks, like every Saturday he is a week older, to the 19th of every month he is a month older. For now we are going to say today Zane is a month old.

What a month it has been. In some ways it has been the best month of my life. My dream of being a mother became a reality. I finally got to meet that squirming baby boy that had been kicking my ribs for so long. Zach and I are loving being parents and are starting to settle into a routine as a little family. We have loved getting to introduce our son to our friends and family and look forward to Zane meeting more family next weekend. I think we have done a good job making the normal adjustments any first time parents have to make; how to put the car seat in the car, how to unfold the stroller, how to function with less sleep ect ect. We also have learned to decipher the many faces of Zane, one of my favorites being his "I'm done eating face" he just looks so peaceful and so much like his Daddy.

We are working on making the adjustments we hadn't planned on having to make as well. We are getting use to our baby's legs turning a little purple after he cries and assessing the color of his little arms and legs each day to see if we notice any changes. Some days I think he looks a little mottled, some days I think he looks a little dusky, but most days I think he looks absolutely perfect. We are trying hard to take peoples condolences and well wishes and use them to strengthen us and not depress us. It was an adjustment to be receiving "I'm praying for your sick baby" cards, who knew those even existed, but I guess they do. I wish I could say we are getting use to the idea of Zane having to have surgery and being in the hospital, but we aren't quite there yet. We have accepted it and know that is what lies ahead but we are in no way use to the idea of our little baby having to go through all of that.

Zane has only gotten cuter over the past four weeks. He is all chubbed up and still eating like a champion. He is awake a lot more now which means more time for cuddles and kissing those chubby cheeks. He would have you believe that he can hold his head up, which I guess he can for very short periods of time. When he is laying on our shoulders he really wants to look at our faces so he pulls his little head back with a the cutest look on his face like, "see I can hold my head up, watch" and then his head promptly bobs back down to the shoulder, priceless. He enjoys his swing and gym for only short periods of time but they are growing on him. Yesterday he met Mr. Ceiling fan in our bedroom and loved him! We only have one ceiling fan in the entire house ( my father is so disappointed in me I'm sure ), so looks like we will have to schedule some playtime on Mommy and Daddy's bed to visit him. Also, yesterday he started playing with his tongue and sticking it out randomly, I was so excited to capture it in a picture.

I would once again like to thank everyone for being so support over this past month. Every prayer, every thought, every email, every kind word and all those people thinking and praying for us that we do not even know I am confident is what keeps me in the light. I still have days when I am over whelmed by the reality of the situation and end the day in tears. But more days than not I am staying positive and am enjoying each moment with my little blessing.

Mommy not Aunt Audra

I have four nephews and two nieces and I absolutely adore being an Aunt. Part of it is that I have always loved kids. I could listen to little kids talk all day long and it is even more fun when they love you back and tell you their fun stories in the cutest little voices ever. Zach and I have loved being the fun Aunt and Uncle who didn't have any kids so we could spend money on fun stuff like Cardinals games, plane tickets home for birthday parties, and random presents that we could never buy our own kids.

Now that I have my very own baby I am finding it very difficult to refer to my self as Mommy or Mamma and not Aunt Audra. Zane is almost a month old now and I still, at least once a day, refer to myself as Aunt Audra. Zach is also having this same problem. He is a fabulous Uncle and thoroughly enjoys Uncling ( is that a word ) but also constantly refers to himself as Uncle Zach when talking to Zane. I am choosing to take this to mean that we have been phenomenal Aunts and Uncles, really involved with our nieces and nephews and not crazy new parents. Part of the problem could also be that I have yet to decide if I want to be Mommy or Mamma, neither of them sound really normal yet, surely one will start to fit soon.

Ten on Tuesday..... a day late

I had meant to steal Abbey's Ten for Tuesday idea yesterday but forgot it was Tuesday, so I'm going to do it a day late.

1. I am enjoying blogging and think I am starting to get the hang of it. I would like to thank everyone who has left such lovely and support comments so far. I hope you keep following along.

2. Zach's Aunt Julie brought us a delicious dinner of pasta, salad, garlic bread, and wine last night. Zach was out of town watching a generator run so maybe he will get to enjoy it this evening but I loved it last night! Thanks Julie!!!!

3. We are very excited that the National League finally won an All-Star game. I wish I could say that I stayed up to see the exciting finish, but I went to sleep after Albert and Yadie were taken out. Zach got home to see the finish though and was very excited. Here's hoping the Cards make it to the World Series so we can make use of that home field advantage.

4. We are making preparations for Zane's baptism on July 25th. Zach's Grandmother is bring by a baptismal gown that his Uncle Kent, Mother, and himself wore sometime this week. He is smaller than we had thought he would be when he got baptised, due to his condition, so here's hoping it fits.

5. On that same note we are very excited about everyone who will be coming into town. My whole family will be here as well as my friend Anna who is going to be Zane's God mother. I can't wait to have a full house.

6. Zane has been loving his gym as of late. He also seems to enjoy tummy time and is adorable while doing it.

7. In annoying news I have a horrible back/neck ache. Spending a lot of time with the heating pad and taking a lot of Ibuprofen.

8. Zane is still not wanting to sleep between 1 and 3 AM. He doesn't scream or fuss, well unless you try to put him to sleep. He really just wants to play and be adorable. His parents are not so adorable at this time of day.

9. I'm excited about making fried squash for dinner tonight. I think the one squash we have gotten off our plant will be the only one because our plant looks horrible. Our tomato plants look good though!

10. It's horribly hot and humid here so Zane and I are trying to find fun activities to do inside. I will have to journey outside today to get some bread ( and Diet Pepsi ). Hope we don't have heat strokes!

In a heartbeat

I have always found it amazing how a baby's heart beats completely differently in utero than when they are born. In utero blood doesn't need to go to the baby's lungs to get oxygenated because the mother's lungs are doing that. So in turn the blood is shunted away from the lungs. The moment the baby is born the way the blood is pumped changes in literally a heartbeat. In this moment the baby's heart starts to pump their blood to their own lungs to get oxygenated, they cry, they take in their world, and their parents hearts a filled with an unbelievable amount of love, all in a heartbeat.

During pregnancy the heartbeat is everything. You find out your pregnant and you can't wait for that first appointment to hear that little person's heartbeat. Once you hear that it all becomes much more real. During the first few months of pregnancy listening to the heartbeat at your monthly appointment is the only real signs you have of your baby, except feeling crummy all the time, because you can't feel them squirming around yet. Then you have the big ultrasound and you see that heart you have been hearing all a long, four chambers, looks great. The whole journey is topped off with hours of sitting in a room waiting for you bundle of joy to arrive while listening to the heartbeat and watching it on the monitors.

All of this was true for me, I fell in love the moment I heard his heartbeat and saw that little blip on the ultrasound screen that the doctor told us was his heart beating. I told Zach numerous times through the pregnancy that the sound of his heartbeat at my appointments was my new favorite sound. Everything about his heart beating in utero sounded/looked great, lub dub lub dub lub dub, just as it should be. Every time I heard it there was a few seconds of calm where I thought, 'everything is fine, his heart is beating, it sounds great, this is real.' It was always slightly fast for a boy but we chalked that up to him being such and active little guy in there. I remember vividly the ultrasound technician showing us his heart and telling us it looked great. This is hard for me to except since most TOF kiddos are diagnosed in utero when the defects are seen on the ultrasoud. I can't decide if finding out then would have made anything easier or better but it still makes me wonder and that day haunts me.

Our pregnancy journey also came to a close with twelve hours of sitting in a room with little else to do but listen to his heartbeat and watch it on the monitor. And then our new journey started when we got the news of his condition and in another heartbeat everything was different. I think back to all the times we heard his heartbeat now and it is so hard to believe that his defect was there all along. I often wonder what I was doing the day his little heart was forming and something didn't go as planned.

I have listened to his heartbeat with a stethoscope and now you can't hear a lub dub lub dub like a normal heart instead you hear a swooshing sound from the blood going between the ventricles. Yesterday while he was playing on the ground and I was laying next to him I put my ear to his chest and heard the swooshing. For some reason I thought without a stethoscope surely it would sound normal. I know it is going to be a tough road ahead but I can't wait for the day when I can listen to his heart and it be back to that beautiful lub dub lub dub sound we heard before he was born.

Uncle Able's Romper

My siblings have always been my best friends. Growing up Able was my protector, my playmate, and he could have convinced me to do anything. As adults we have only grown closer and are who each other turn to for advice or just for a good laugh. Do to this, and the fact that Able is just an unbelievably strong name, I had always planned on my first boy's middle name being Able. So when we found out we were having a boy the name game centered around finding a first name that sounded good with Able as the middle name. Zane fit the bill with the added bonus that his initials would be ZAK, his father's name.

At my baby shower in Oklahoma Mom gave me a little romper that she had been given when Able was born. Keep in mind Able was born October 24, not exactly beach weather, so he never got to wear this romper. Well his name sake and God son rocked it yesterday and loved it. However, there was a minor problem with the outfit. I guess back in the day they hadn't figured out the snaps in the crotch concept which made diaper changing difficult and annoying. This outfit also motivated Zane to have right around 4 poopy diapers in a two hour period. So we had to take the whole outfit off each time. By the 3rd diaper I decided he needed some diaper time because that was just getting ridiculous. But all and all I think Zane looked adorable in his throw back romper. Thanks Uncle Able, we love you!!!

Correction

Sorry if anyone checked my blog earlier today and thought I had lost my mind because I had posted half a paragraph that didn't make much since. My growing baby boy woke up and needed to eat while I was blogging and I guess I hit post blog instead of save draft, still learning the ins and out of blogging. But it is all correct and posted now!

Our growing boy

Zane weighed 8lbs 7oz when he was born and was 21.75 inches long. We were both surprised that he was that big given that he was ten days early. He of course doesn't hold a candle to his cousin Maggie who weighed in right at 10 pounds when she was born and Abbey lived to tell about it, amazing! So everyone in my family thought he was tiny when they saw him. Zach's sister Trina has had four kids and Zane was 1 pound and 3 inches longer than any of her children, so his family thinks he looks huge.

At his doctors appointment on Thursday he weighed 9lbs 13oz and was 22 inches long. This is great news since one of the things we were suppose to be looking for, as far as his condition worsening, was him having problems eating and in turn not gaining weight. He does have to take a lot of breaks during eating because he gets out of breathe easily, but he is eating very well all things considered.

So I shouldn't be so surprised that his newborn clothes don't fit anymore. They are just a little bit too tight but he is definitely too long for them now. I know babies grow fast but I can't believe we are already changing clothes out of his drawers.

Also, thanks to his fast growing he was officially moved to his crib in his room over the weekend. The main reason was because he likes to roll onto his side once we lay him down. My grandpa says this could be because it is easier for him to breathe on his side. But when he would do this in his cradle he would roll over to the side and his little hands would grip the rails which not only looked super uncomfortable but also kind of like he was in prison. Now he is in his crib and loving it, I do miss having him right there were we can see him but I guess that is all part of him growing up :)

Better know Zane

I know everyone is aware of Zane's broken heart but there is so much more to our little man. He is absolutely adorable and such a happy baby. So I thought I should document a few of our favorite things about little Zaney.

First of all when we found out we were having a boy the first thing I thought was 'I hope he looks just like Zach so Zach can experience having someone look like him'. For those of you who don't know Zach is adopted. He has always found it very strange that I look my parents and siblings. Well as soon as I saw Zane I knew my wish had come true. He has his daddy's eyes, nose, mouth, and feet. All I really contributed to his appearance is my dad's hair line and of course the Dotter dimple. I will have to pay more attention with the next baby.

He was born with basically no eyelashes or eyebrows. Now you can barely see his little white eye brows that kind of look bushy like and old man. I always thought my babies would be bald because we are both so blonde, but I was so wrong. Zane has a full head of white blonde hair. I constantly try to get a good picture of how it sticks up after his bath but it is so white it doesn't show up on camera. Here is one of my favorite pictures, it's after Zane's first bath when we first discovered how adorable his hair is after a bath. Sadly his alien jammies are too small now but they were super cute while they lasted.

Zane is a very happy baby. He rarely gets upset enough to get to a full cry. When we initially put him in the car seat he will cry for about 45 seconds and then he falls fast asleep (he should teach this trick to his cousin Maggie :). We maintain he is too lazy to cry for too long, which I totally respect. He grins a lot when he is awake and nearly every time right before he falls asleep. He must be having sweet dreams because he giggles in his sleep often. The first time this happened I thought he was crying and rushed to the cradle only to find my little boy belly laughing. It was the most adorable thing I have ever seen and now happens on a daily basis. The picture on the left was taken as he was falling asleep waiting for echo and EKG on Thursday, happy even under the worst of circumstances. I'm trying to taken a lesson from him in that regard.

Zane's professional pictures

When Zane was only three days old we had a photographer ( Dayna Pollard ) come to our house to take pictures of Zane while he was still tiny and all curled up. The pictures turned out amazing. I loved that it was all at our house and I can't believe how much he has already changed. He is so much chunkier now and he wore the outfit he has on in the pictures again yesterday and I'm pretty sure that is going to be the last time because it was getting pretty tight. What a big boy!! You can see all the adorable pictures here.

The other side of the desk

For those of you who don't know I am a pediatric nurse on the neurology/neuro-rehab floor at St. Louis Children's Hospital, the same hospital where Zane will be having his surgery. I have worked there for a year and a half now and have come to feel comfortable in my job. Though it is at times very depressing work, we do have miracles happen there all the time. It is always great to see the rehab kids recover and leave us or a cancer kiddo come back with a clean bill of health. However, for the most part I am working with children and families during the worst parts of their lives. I am usually the one behind the desk answering questions, listening to parents vent, lending a sympathetic ear, and thanking the good Lord that my family is healthy. I often use to find myself thinking "I can think of nothing worse than having my baby at the hospital and having to stay here with him." These thoughts of course worsened when I got pregnant and being a nurse I constantly thought "What if something is wrong, I hope he has enough oxygen when he is born, why isn't he moving enough" ect ect and everyone reassured me that in reality most babies are born perfectly healthy and I was just over thinking things because I only see sick babies. So through out my pregnancy I was very excited about dealing with my healthy baby boy. When Zane was born and was in his bassinet at the hospital I continually told myself to stop assessing his breathing, stop checking pupils, no he isn't seizing that is a normal startle reflex ( it seemed odd to me because most babies on my floor do not have normal reflexes). I was very excited about being mommy and not the nurse.

Now I am mommy but I am also nurse, I take his clothes off to assess his breathing, making mental notes of how hard he is working today vs. yesterday. I check his capillary refill and try to view him subjectively so that I can be sure I notice any subtle changes. These are all the things I was so excited about not having to do with my own baby.

I now find myself on the other side of the desk. I am the mother who doesn't want to hold her baby down during procedures. The visitor asking how to work the parking ticket machine. Now when I drive into the parking garage, that I have driven into so many times before, I get sick to my stomach out of nervousness not just dreading a long day at work. We are now the ones getting the sympathetic smiles from the friendly nurses and hearing the explanations of why things are behind schedule or why the doctor isn't where he is suppose to be. I know that my knowledge and experiences at Children's will be a great help to us during this process but right now I am just finding it extremely hard to adjust to the view from this side of the desk.

First Blog

I had originally planned to start blogging during my pregnancy. I was going to chronicle all my adventures as a cute pregnant lady. Upon becoming pregnant it became obvious that, A. I wasn't that cute, and B. a blog about my pregnancy would basically be updates on how crummy I felt and the numerous different places I had vomited. This seemed awfully negative so I decided I would wait to start blogging until my perfect little baby boy arrived. Then my blog would be filled with musings on my adorable baby boy and our adventures as a new little family. As it turns out things didn't quite work out that way. Over the past couple weeks, as we have adjusted to the new normal that is our life, I have given starting a blog a lot of thought. In the end I decided that it would be a good outlet for me and a way for the many people who are sending prayers our way to be kept up to date on Zane's condition.

On that note, today we went to Zane's second, of what I am sure will be many, cardiologist appointments. At our fist appointment we were told we would be seeing the doctor every two weeks. Which means they have to "fit us in" because our doctor is booked until the end of August. So after four days of me perfecting my "pushy mother" voice with his secretaries we got an appointment. Today when we got there we found out that our doctor was never made aware of said appointment, so we would be seeing a different cardiologist. I tried to not like the guy but he turned out to be very nice. But we will have to work on Dr. Murphy actually being at our next appointment.

Anyway, Zane had an echo cardiogram and an EKG done today. I got a little nervous when he screamed bloody murder while they were putting on the EKG leads but he calmed down and slept through both tests after that. The tests showed that the narrowing of his pulmonary artery has worsened over the past two weeks, which was what they expected would happen. For now this isn't causing any visible problems with our little guy. He is still nice and rosy and the oxygen saturation of his blood was great. However, as this worsens he may start looking a little purple at which point we will start discussing surgery. In somewhat good news we found out his narrowing is only at the level of the pulmonary valve which means an easier repair in the end if all stays the same. Overall the visit was good. Zach and I have been able to process the situation over the past couple weeks so we were able to ask intelligent questions and look at the echo images to see for ourselves what we were dealing with.

It is still a daily struggle to stay out of the dark place and enjoy our adorable little man without thinking about what lies ahead. We are still adjusting to the new normal and at times everyday I morn what I had pictured this time would be like. It is hard to change our mind set but we are getting there. We have been comforted greatly by the love, thoughts, and prayers of so many of you. We cannot thank you enough, keep them coming we need all the help we can get!