Rocking Chair

When we were pregnant with Zane, Zach's parent's told us they wanted to buy us a rocking chair. After a long search we ended up on this brown soft rocker for a couple of reasons. It was wider than the wooden ones, which I thought would be more cozy, the arm rests were soft so as not to hurt a little baby's head, and I could see myself sleeping in it while holding my baby boy. During the short time we have had this rocker it has been my resting/praying place through  many things.

While I was pregnant I would sit in Zane's room and rock while I waited for Zach to get home. I would look at the letters of his name on the wall and wonder what kind of personality our little man would have.  I would pray for a safe delivery of a healthy baby and I envisioned our perfect life that was about to begin. When we got home from the hospital, before Zane was diagnosed, I sat in the rocker and said silent prayers for Zane's heart murmur to be nothing, a minor problem that would correct itself. My favorite newborn pictures of Zane are the ones where he is laying on the rocking chair with his little eyes open, so precious.

After Zane was diagnosed this rocking chair was where I went to go call everyone and break their hearts with the news of Zane's broken heart. I remember calling my two best friends, Jess and Anna, while sitting in this chair staring out the window. I remember sitting for a moment before calling them, trying gather myself with yet another prayer. This is also where I would go when it all got to be too much and I needed to be alone with my heartbreak. When I needed a moment to cry, pray, or be still with my boy I headed to this rocking chair.

As time passed and we got into a routine of our new life the rocking chair was where we spent our sleepless nights. Where I would rock Zane, trying to get him to go back to sleep, and look out the window and wonder what the people in the other houses were dealing with. I would pray daily in this chair for my sweet baby's heart to be fixed and for the strength to get through surgery time.

It was in this rocking chair where I sat, numb, trying to wrap my head around the reality of my father no longer being with us. I sat their, too stunned to cry, and grappled with the fact that my father would never know my children and my children would never know him. I, yet again, was in this chair calling all the people important to me, to break their hearts with the news of Dad's passing. I sat in this chair and prayed for  strength and the words to help my mother as I waited for Zach to bring her back to our house.

As we got closer to surgery I spent more time cuddling my sweet boy in this chair. I would sing him to sleep and hold him for just a little longer each night as I treasured every second before surgery. I continued my prayers for a uneventful hospital stay and a quick recovery. I talked to my Dad and asked him to be with my baby as he went through so much and to pull whatever strings he could from heaven to keep him safe. The Saturday before surgery I sung my baby to sleep in this chair and cried, because I wasn't sure how I was going to make it through the next week.

Soon family and friends swooped in to hold me up and give me strength. They cooked, cleaned, took my mind of things,  made me laugh, and were there through it all. We made it through our dreaded hospital stay without incident. We saw other families grieving, fearing the worst, facing set backs, and all the while we were able to smile, even laugh, through our days as we continued to pray for our little man and watch him recovery remarkably well. We felt Dad's presence and I knew for sure he was by my side and with Zane through it all.

When we returned home, days before any of us could have imagined, I found myself back in our rocking chair singing my boy to sleep. This time a little unsure of how to hold or cuddle him, but home. As I sat in the chair I found myself looking out the window again, but this time my prayers were of great thanksgiving for my son's second chance at life. It was the greatest night, much happier than our first night home with him after he was born. A huge weight had been lifted from our shoulders and I have never been so happy to be rocking my baby so sleep.