Dec. 5: Let Go. What (or whom) did you let go of this year. Why?
The first thing that popped into my head was that I let go of any modesty I might have once had, what with being pregnant and having a baby. However, I don't really think that is what they were going for with the question so I will try again.
One thing that I was forced to let go of was being effected by the smaller stresses in life, the "small stuff" as they say. This was brought on by having larger problems on my life's plate. Over the past few months I have often found myself saying " I just literally don't have room for that on my plate right now." I didn't set out to stop being effected by these things I just started to do it in order to survive without having a complete and utter mental breakdown.
When you are pregnant there is one priority, keeping your baby safe and healthy. So you have to let go of concerns about how huge you are, how uncomfortable you are, or how dirty the bathtub is and focus on what is important, the baby. Once Zane was diagnosed the focus was purely on how we were going to get him better. I was thrust into a situation of ultimate motherhood stress . In order to stay strong and survive I was forced to let go of the minor worries that had occupied my mind before. I didn't have the time or energy to worry about the laundry not getting done or how much weight I needed to loose, or getting clothes that fit, or worrying about other people problems. I just needed to survive the battles ahead.
Another part of this letting go process was letting go of some control over my life. I had to learn to accept the help, prayers, and support of so many. I had to learn to be ok with letting people clean my house, do my dishes, do my laundry, cook me dinner, watch my baby, get my mail, and a whole host of other things that in my heart I felt like I should be doing myself. This proved to be very difficult because in doing this it just reinforced how crummy things were going in my life. However, I have dearly appreciated every one's help and I know the Lord brought people into my life to get me through these tough times.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
My little control freak
Zane is the ultimate control freak now. This has been going on since he figured out that he could take his binki out and put it back in, so for a few months now. It has now moved from his constant need to control his binki to a constant need to control everything; his bottle, binki, diaper, blanket, spoon, car seat cover, and the list goes on and on.
When I feed him a bottle he is convinced he can, and should, be able to hold the bottle and take it out and put it back in his mouth as he pleases. He obviously can't hold his own bottle, but he sure is working hard at it and I am sure he will be doing this soon. Also, while he is eating the hand that isn't securely clutching the bottle has to be in constant motion. Hitting me, the chair, or usually trying to force the bottle out of his mouth and then back in again. Occasionally when he is sleepy this hand will lovingly pat our faces, but that is a rarity.
A classic example of his need to be in control happened the other night while he was sleeping. He had eaten his bottle and was slightly restless so I tried to give him his pacifier. In his sleepy state he took it out and not only put it down but continued to push it away from himself. After I laid him down he was again restless, this generally is stopped by the binki, so I offered him it again. He took it out, set it down, laid there a second, then grabbed it and place it even farther away. Ok, I get it you control your binki, silly boy. He now also likes to blow raspberries when he is sleepy to avoid a bottle, a binki, blanket, or anything that would quickly push him over to sleeping.
Friday, while we were out and about running errands, I pulled his car seat visor down a little so the sun wasn't in his eyes. By this point he was mad and wanted out of the car seat so he grabbed the visor and some how managed to bring it all the way forward, folded down by his feet, with the sun back in his eyes. The fit that ensued included screaming ( not crying, random screams), repeatedly hitting the side of his car seat, and ended with him throwing Dolarus, the duck, out of the car seat and onto the floor boards. When we got home we had to have a little talk about how throwing fits will get you no where and how we treat our toys.
He is getting better about opening his mouth when we bring the spoon up to his face, but he also now wants to hold his spoon at all times. On occasion I have given him a spoon to play with, which ended in him trying to "feed himself" - translation: coming dangerously close to poking himself in the eye multiple times. Pretty funny to watch but probably not really safe.
In unrelated news he now has a new cute/strange face. He sucks his bottom lip in and grins. I think it is probably due to teething, as he sucks on it for a while, but it is pretty adorable. Check it out in the pictures below.
When I feed him a bottle he is convinced he can, and should, be able to hold the bottle and take it out and put it back in his mouth as he pleases. He obviously can't hold his own bottle, but he sure is working hard at it and I am sure he will be doing this soon. Also, while he is eating the hand that isn't securely clutching the bottle has to be in constant motion. Hitting me, the chair, or usually trying to force the bottle out of his mouth and then back in again. Occasionally when he is sleepy this hand will lovingly pat our faces, but that is a rarity.
A classic example of his need to be in control happened the other night while he was sleeping. He had eaten his bottle and was slightly restless so I tried to give him his pacifier. In his sleepy state he took it out and not only put it down but continued to push it away from himself. After I laid him down he was again restless, this generally is stopped by the binki, so I offered him it again. He took it out, set it down, laid there a second, then grabbed it and place it even farther away. Ok, I get it you control your binki, silly boy. He now also likes to blow raspberries when he is sleepy to avoid a bottle, a binki, blanket, or anything that would quickly push him over to sleeping.
Friday, while we were out and about running errands, I pulled his car seat visor down a little so the sun wasn't in his eyes. By this point he was mad and wanted out of the car seat so he grabbed the visor and some how managed to bring it all the way forward, folded down by his feet, with the sun back in his eyes. The fit that ensued included screaming ( not crying, random screams), repeatedly hitting the side of his car seat, and ended with him throwing Dolarus, the duck, out of the car seat and onto the floor boards. When we got home we had to have a little talk about how throwing fits will get you no where and how we treat our toys.
He is getting better about opening his mouth when we bring the spoon up to his face, but he also now wants to hold his spoon at all times. On occasion I have given him a spoon to play with, which ended in him trying to "feed himself" - translation: coming dangerously close to poking himself in the eye multiple times. Pretty funny to watch but probably not really safe.
In unrelated news he now has a new cute/strange face. He sucks his bottom lip in and grins. I think it is probably due to teething, as he sucks on it for a while, but it is pretty adorable. Check it out in the pictures below.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Dec. 4: Wonder
December 4 – Wonder. How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year? (Author: Jeffrey Davis)
Just yesterday I was eating dinner and didn't realize Zane was studying my every move from his bouncer. He was full of wonder, observing, from a master, how to go about eating, holding a spoon, drink from a cup, and behave at a dinner table. Seeing the world through his eyes is a daily reminder to not over look the simple blessings in life and has cultivated new wonder in my life. Thanks little guy!
I am not sure that I cultivated wonder this year, but seeing the world through a baby's eyes always brings about wonder. I love seeing babies and small children discover the world around them. They learn so much each day doing the simplest things. However, this experience is pushed over the top when it is your own child and you are the one teaching them and showing them new things each day.
Sick Boys
My two boys have both been a little under the weather for the past couple of days. Monday Zach started to complain of a stratchy throat, so we started our OCD cleaning/handwashing techniques in hopes of keeping Zane well. When I got home from work Tuesday Zach was full fledged sick. He had an ear ache, a soar throat, and generally felt miserable. Zach, admittedly, doesn't handle being sick very well and I admittedly am not the most compassionate spouse at times. I set it in my heart that I would be loving and compassionate as he looked like he really felt aweful.
Wednesday, while at work, I got a text message from Zach saying that he had gone to the doctor and his ears drums had burst. He was sent home on antibiotics and ear drops, still feeling miserable. Poor guy.
Luckily I was off work Thursday and Friday and took care of him while he tried to work from home with a terrible earache.
Some where in the midst of this Zane started to have a little cough. Sometimes it sounds totally fake, almost like he he is mimicing Zach or I coughing. However, sometimes it sounds real and he gets himself worked up to the point that he throws up, not fun! He hasn't had a fever or been fussy so we are hoping it isn't anything major. He did start daycare this week so I'm sure we are due for some kind of sickness soon.
Today Zach claims he feels better but the ear still hurts and is ringing. Zane had a good day, though he did wake up when I got home, sweet boy needed a mommy cuddle. Hopefully we are on an upward swing. We need to stay healthy for all our upcomig holiday festivities.
Wednesday, while at work, I got a text message from Zach saying that he had gone to the doctor and his ears drums had burst. He was sent home on antibiotics and ear drops, still feeling miserable. Poor guy.
Luckily I was off work Thursday and Friday and took care of him while he tried to work from home with a terrible earache.
Some where in the midst of this Zane started to have a little cough. Sometimes it sounds totally fake, almost like he he is mimicing Zach or I coughing. However, sometimes it sounds real and he gets himself worked up to the point that he throws up, not fun! He hasn't had a fever or been fussy so we are hoping it isn't anything major. He did start daycare this week so I'm sure we are due for some kind of sickness soon.
Today Zach claims he feels better but the ear still hurts and is ringing. Zane had a good day, though he did wake up when I got home, sweet boy needed a mommy cuddle. Hopefully we are on an upward swing. We need to stay healthy for all our upcomig holiday festivities.
Friday, December 3, 2010
Dec. 3: Moment
December 3 – Moment. Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. Describe it in vivid detail (texture, smells, voices, noises, colors).
My moment isn't going to take anyone by surprise. It was the moment I finally got to hold my baby boy. I think that after giving birth you feel like you can pretty much conquer anything, not right that moment, but if you can get through that you can get through whatever else life throws at you.
There is a decent amount of time between when you have the baby and when the baby is cleaned, assessed, and fully prepared to be held. I could see and hear my little man, but he was across the room, so I really couldn't get a good luck at him. Finally, after he had been foot printed, had medicine put in his eyes, been looked and listened to by a team of nurses and physicians, he was swaddled and handed to me. This was the moment where I felt most a live. Looking into my son's little blue eyes for the first time was the best moment ever. As all mothers out there know, this is the moment when you fall deeper in love than you ever thought imaginable.
Zane was perfect. His little blue eyes, nose, and tiny lips looked just like his Daddy's. He had a dimple in his chin, making him officially my baby. I don't remember anything else happening around me, I am sure there was a lot happening and more people than I remember, but all that mattered was my healthy baby boy.
This precious moment with Zane passed quickly and soon he needed to try to eat, get a bath, we had to transferred to our new room, and Zane went to the nursery so I could get some rest. This was our brief moment of perfection. The next morning we were told he had a heart murmur and the anxiety of the unknown started. I treasure that hour or so with Zane. I feel like from the next day forward there was stress, worry, sadness, and heartache that changed how I had envisioned motherhood.
Looking forward to next year I strive to try to let go of the stress, worry, and sadness in order to be more present with my friends and family. I pray that I live more in the moment, enjoying the current blessing I have, and trying to dwell less on what is missing or what might have been.
There is a decent amount of time between when you have the baby and when the baby is cleaned, assessed, and fully prepared to be held. I could see and hear my little man, but he was across the room, so I really couldn't get a good luck at him. Finally, after he had been foot printed, had medicine put in his eyes, been looked and listened to by a team of nurses and physicians, he was swaddled and handed to me. This was the moment where I felt most a live. Looking into my son's little blue eyes for the first time was the best moment ever. As all mothers out there know, this is the moment when you fall deeper in love than you ever thought imaginable.
This precious moment with Zane passed quickly and soon he needed to try to eat, get a bath, we had to transferred to our new room, and Zane went to the nursery so I could get some rest. This was our brief moment of perfection. The next morning we were told he had a heart murmur and the anxiety of the unknown started. I treasure that hour or so with Zane. I feel like from the next day forward there was stress, worry, sadness, and heartache that changed how I had envisioned motherhood.
Looking forward to next year I strive to try to let go of the stress, worry, and sadness in order to be more present with my friends and family. I pray that I live more in the moment, enjoying the current blessing I have, and trying to dwell less on what is missing or what might have been.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Reverb Dec. 2 : Words
I debated a lot about starting a blog this year. I am a rather private person and didn't feel like people would really care to hear about my boring life. However, when life got a little less boring, not neccessarily in a good sense, I decided that a blog would be a great way to keep the people who cared about us updated without having to rehash everything a hundred times.
I wasn't sure that I would like it, but I have come to thoroughly enjoy blogging. I have had numerous people tell me how much they enjoy the Zane updates, especially during surgery time. As my mother mentioned in her blog today, I too find writing very therapeutic and have at times felt bad about how sad a lot of my blog posts have been. However, writing has helped me put into words the heartache I am feeling and in some way, putting that out into the universe, has helped me to start healing.
In addition to enjoying writing my own blog I love reading everyone elses blogs. It helps me to feel connected to people who are far away in a much more personal way than say, facebook, which I am not a part of at all. Next year I hope that my writing can revolve around happier subjects. Maybe not always sweetness and light but hopefully much less ground breaking/heart breaking news on my blog.
I wasn't sure that I would like it, but I have come to thoroughly enjoy blogging. I have had numerous people tell me how much they enjoy the Zane updates, especially during surgery time. As my mother mentioned in her blog today, I too find writing very therapeutic and have at times felt bad about how sad a lot of my blog posts have been. However, writing has helped me put into words the heartache I am feeling and in some way, putting that out into the universe, has helped me to start healing.
In addition to enjoying writing my own blog I love reading everyone elses blogs. It helps me to feel connected to people who are far away in a much more personal way than say, facebook, which I am not a part of at all. Next year I hope that my writing can revolve around happier subjects. Maybe not always sweetness and light but hopefully much less ground breaking/heart breaking news on my blog.
Reverb 10
My mom and sister are both participating in the Reverb10 project which is all about reflecting on the past year and thinking forward to the next. Each day there will be a prompt that I will write on. I enjoyed reading Abbey and Mom's first day of writing so thought I would join. I am a day late, since it started Dec. 1st and goes through the 31st.
Day 1: Word
-Choose one word to describe the past year and pick a word that you would like to describe next year.
My word for this year is "extreme." I feel like this year I have experienced the extremes of everything. I started the year pregnant, feeling the extremes of sickness, fatigue, and all that goes with pregnancy. As a family we were also experiencing extreme happiness at the thought of meeting our new baby this year. We were over come with the extreme love that we felt for the baby we had yet to meet.
As the year and the pregnancy progressed I felt the mother (pun intended) of all extremes, being hugely pregnant and ultimately giving birth (Very extreme!). That was the greatest day of Zach and I's lives. We went to bed that night ecstatic about our healthy baby boy and the life that lied ahead. However, by the end of that week we were facing the hardest day of our lives as we were faced with the news of Zane's heart condition. That day I felt surely this would be the worst day for awhile.
As we all know that was not the case and about the time I had pulled myself together I was knocked down again when Dad died. This was followed by all extremes of emotion. Gratitude for the time I had with Dad and for what an amazing man/influence he was in my life. Sadness, disbelief, anger, shock, and the list goes on and on.
Through all the extremes this year I have felt extremely loved by family, friends, and people who I have never met who have prayed for myself, my son, and my whole family. It has been a strangely humbling and I have gotten great comfort from it.
My word for next year is "healing." I hope it is a year full of healing for my heart, my son's heart, and all of my family's hearts as we move forward. My prayer is that I laugh more than I cry next year.
Day 1: Word
-Choose one word to describe the past year and pick a word that you would like to describe next year.
My word for this year is "extreme." I feel like this year I have experienced the extremes of everything. I started the year pregnant, feeling the extremes of sickness, fatigue, and all that goes with pregnancy. As a family we were also experiencing extreme happiness at the thought of meeting our new baby this year. We were over come with the extreme love that we felt for the baby we had yet to meet.
As the year and the pregnancy progressed I felt the mother (pun intended) of all extremes, being hugely pregnant and ultimately giving birth (Very extreme!). That was the greatest day of Zach and I's lives. We went to bed that night ecstatic about our healthy baby boy and the life that lied ahead. However, by the end of that week we were facing the hardest day of our lives as we were faced with the news of Zane's heart condition. That day I felt surely this would be the worst day for awhile.
As we all know that was not the case and about the time I had pulled myself together I was knocked down again when Dad died. This was followed by all extremes of emotion. Gratitude for the time I had with Dad and for what an amazing man/influence he was in my life. Sadness, disbelief, anger, shock, and the list goes on and on.
Through all the extremes this year I have felt extremely loved by family, friends, and people who I have never met who have prayed for myself, my son, and my whole family. It has been a strangely humbling and I have gotten great comfort from it.
My word for next year is "healing." I hope it is a year full of healing for my heart, my son's heart, and all of my family's hearts as we move forward. My prayer is that I laugh more than I cry next year.
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