Thinking ahead.... or not.

For weeks now I have been trying to mentally prepare myself for all that is about to come. I find that I lack confidence in how to handle the baby phase again, because I have no memories of the last time we went through it. I have recently gotten out Zane's baby book, looked at pictures from the first few months, trying to remember what happens, but the memories aren't there. I remember the photos, but not the time. I hadn't looked at them in a long time, mainly because looking at the pictures makes me sad. I don't let myself got there. They are sad for many reasons, the biggest one being the fact that I don't get to do that moment, with that child, again. I have healed and Zane has healed, but that time is gone. Years from now, when Zane is grown, the fact that I have no memories of that time, will still be heart breaking to me. Looking at those pictures will still be hard, and that is sad.

As I started to look at pictures and read old blog posts, I began to find myself highly stressed out about my upcoming maternity leave. For a long time I have thought that the fear was of something equally as terrible happening again. Rowan being diagnosed with some rare disease or condition at birth, an unexpected death, basically replaying what had happened previously. I have been mulling that concept over for months, and I have come to realization that that isn't the fear. I truly believe that Rowan's little heart has miraculously been formed perfectly and that all will be well. But the sadness and sheer terror comes when I let myself think about how unbelievably sad I was for such a long period of time. After coming out the fog of sadness, you can look back and see just how bad off you were. In the moment I thought I was doing pretty well, all things considered. Looking back on it, I was not. I was heartbroken, upon stressed, upon devastated. And the fear I have now, comes from actually letting myself think about that time. When I think about those months I find that I am unbelievably terrified of ever being that sad or in that dark of a place again. Not just after Rowan is born, I'm terrified of ever being that sad again, ever.

I also have found that I won't let myself envision any sort of maternity leave. I really don't think past the day of him being born. This comes from having such a clear set visions of what maternity leave was going to be like with Zane. We were going to cuddle all day, I was going to scrapbook, and read. We were going to go to Oklahoma for a week, so Zane could meet family and friends at home. I was going to work on loosing the baby weight, have friends over to meet my new baby, and take him out for fun days together before I headed back to work. None, and I do mean none, of that happened on my maternity leave. I mourned the loss of those plans and visions for so long. Now I think if I just leave the space in time blank, I can handle whatever comes. If it is wonderfully relaxing, fantastic. If it is hard, stressful, or sad that is fine too, no loss of plans or disappointment. I think it is a good way to live life. Let whatever is suppose to happen, happen, and be happy with it.

I have a general plan, like Zane will still go to daycare a few days a week. Mostly for his sanity as much as mine, because he will be going stir crazy in this house with a less than energetic mom. He won't stay the whole day, but will get to see his buddies and I will get some rest. Zach will stay home for a week again with us. Mom will come and visit/save my life after Zach goes back to work. I want to get newborn pictures taken in the first few weeks, probably here, so as not to have to leave our house. Anna will come up at some point to save my life again, then Abbey's clan is coming in March over spring break. That's as far as the plan goes and I am ok with that. Oh how time has changed me, for the better.