Good Bye 2021

 It's been a minute since I've written anything. Mainly I think because I don't know that anyone reads it, but also because the last two months have been extremely hard and I've just been trying to keep my head above water. But today I am home alone, on the last day of the year, thinking back on the last twelve months and thought I'd jot down my thoughts. 

This year started with so much hope. I got my second vaccine shot the first week of the year. This felt like an amazing way to start fresh with a light at the end of the very dark tunnel that was 2020. I just had to hold on a little longer as everyone I loved slowly waited their turn to get vaccinated. As a health care worker I was first in line followed by the Grandparents and slowly but surely our siblings, and lastly, ever the gentleman, Zach got vaccinated in March. He got his second dose on Thatcher's fourth birthday.  The cases dropped, the numbers got better, the boys went back to school five days a week starting at the end of February, and as a society I felt like we let out big collective sigh of relief. We did it! As a family we had hunkered down, we'd kept everyone safe, we waited for the vaccine, we'd done our part. Hooray! That was the beginning. Obviously this feeling towards society didn't last. 

Fully vaccinated! This was an emotional day, followed by being incredibly ill for three days, but so worth it for the piece of mind that I had afterwards.

Family game night. We found loads of ways to have fun at home over the past two years.

January snow

On the other hand the year also started with an insurrection and the feeling that democracy was in peril. I spent January 6th as a safety attendant for a homeless, middle aged, black man who had tried to kill himself with a stick, after battling mental illness for years. At every single turn the system, and the country had failed this very ill, very kind man. At every turn he had fallen through the cracks and been given zero second chances. He was a kind and gentle soul. I watched as hundreds of people stormed the nations Capital as police stood by. I watched it through this mans eyes and through this man's experiences. It was an absolute gut punch. I cried the entire way home from work that day. I think about this man often and wonder where he is now. I wonder how a country can fail some of it's citizens so gravely while other citizen actively try to topple democracy and get away without any repercussions. That was a devastating day that definitely took away from the hope of the new year. 

February was snowy and cold. Rowan turned eight and got to join the ranks of the pandemic birthday celebrations since Zach hadn't been vaccinated yet. I think Zane somehow missed the pandemic birthday group, with his birthday in 2020 falling right after months of quarantining and then this year after everyone was vaccinated, but everyone else got to experience the weird feeling of it being your birthday and absolutely nothing special happening. Just eating cake with your family, at home, just like any other day. At the end of the month the boys started back to school five days a week. This meant that they finally got to meet the other half of their classes. Zane had a few good friends in the other half of the class that he was thrilled to get to see everyday. There was still mask mandate and very few cases in schools at this time, so there stress level around school during the last few months wasn't really that bad. I was happy for them to be back to some sort of normalcy.

One of our very first outings post had lockdown over the holidays was to Norman to see the dinosaur exhibit with Aunt Anna. 

First time in a restaurant in probably close to a year. Thatcher was very confused

With the boys returning to school five days a week that meant that I got a few weeks of just Thatcher and I everyday. I knew this time was fleeting and I tried to soak up every minute. I hate all the alone time with Thatcher that I lost due to the pandemic.

8th birthday

There was a day in March where I took the boys to the zoo with my brother. I think it was spring break, but it was just a normal day, at the zoo, but it felt absolutely magical. We were doing something that was so normal and mundane, but after 2020 that day felt so special. We even went to eat pizza afterwards. It was like we'd gone to Disney world. It was so special and a highlight of my year. It was brief moment where when I checked in with myself I didn't feel nervous or scared about anything. Everyone was vaccinated, I could let down my guard and just embrace this day.

March also brought the surprise of needing to buy a new car. I love my new car and so far, fingers crossed, it seems to have been a good decision. I hate buying cars and having car payments, but I love my new fancy car. 

Everyone being vaccinated meant we finally got to have Korenak Christmas in Missouri. It was a sweet reunion after having not seen them in eighteen months. 

We ended March with a return to parties and we did it up right for Thatcher's fourth birthday. Full pirate craziness complete with all the cousins. This was supposed to be the start of a year full of parties. This didn't really pan out due to illness, quarantines, and what not, but this was a great party. I loved every second of it for Thatcher, for me, for the whole family. I cannot believe this was our first pirate party.

In April we bought a dog. I am unsure how we decided to do this. I think it was partly inspired by Aunt Trina's tiny adorable dog and partly because he had money from the stimulus checks and I knew we wouldn't have extra money laying around for a dog anytime soon. There are days that I deeply regret buying this dog. However, over the past two months when we've been home sick pretty much the entire time Wally has grown on me and the boys. But it has been a battle at times and the last thing I need is another battle, especially one that I paid a lot of money for.

Rowan had his first communion in April after virtual first communion class. The whole thing seemed a little insane, but I was glad he got to do it with Everett. Being back in church for the mass felt very nerve racking to me. It was the first time I had been in a large group of people in a solid year and it just felt unsafe and then that felt deeply sad.

Look at this handsome boy in his suit though.

April also meant family Easter. It was so wonderful to have a family holiday celebrations again. Look at all these lovely humans. I have missed them so much during so much of the past two years. I feel like we've missed big moments, but through it all they're always there, even when we can't be together. All my favorites!

Oh May, what a debacle May was. It started fine then I woke up on Mother's Day sicker than a dog. Throwing up my socks and miserable. This started our month long stomach bug, which included a different person being sick every weekend. During the week we seemed fine, then Friday-Sunday someone would be sick. Zach would try to explain it away as something someone ate, when obviously everyone was getting the same stomach bug. Which meant that I spent my birthday with sick kids and no birthday celebrations. It felt like it was never ending. 

Somewhere in there we played a lot of baseball and I loved being back at the ballpark with the kids. Zane hit a couple home runs and couldn't have been more excited.

First homerun

Spring choir with Zane, this was the first school performance of any kind all year.

Thatcher and I's last day of fun just the two of us.

So many donut dates with this guy.

Zane being voted Future President was the least shocking thing ever.

End of the school year!

We entered the summer with great excitement. We'd made it through the pandemic school year. I'm not sure the kids learned a dang thing except resilience. They rolled with every single punch and there were a lot of them. I was so proud of how they finished the year and I was ready for a fun summer ahead. I had zero plans of doing any school work or learning over the summer. I had put my time in as their teacher and I was tapped completely out. That has come back to bite us a bit during the current school year, but such is life. 

In June we spent a lot of time at the ballpark. Rowan got to play on a few games on Zane's team which is always fun. We went to the farm during early June, which is my absolute favorite time to be there with the golden wheat.

Family night watching the OKC Dodgers play with Zane's baseball team.

Zane got to have a birthday party with all of his friends. My take away from the party was that I Zane picks amazing friends. Usually in a group of kiddos there is some kid that is annoying or you question why your child has decided to be friends with them. That is not the case with Zane's friends. They are all kind, funny, lovely kids that I would be happy to spend time with. I loved that he got to celebrate with them after the tough school year they had had.

We spent Zane's actual birthday in Arkansas with Adam's family. It was the most fun and I don't know why we don't go spend weekends with them more often. It's only four hours away and it was an absolute blast. The idea of traveling anywhere was so exciting, even if it was just four hours to Arkansas. 

As July rolled around there were murmuring of another COVID wave coming, with a new variant. This was the first we'd heard of such a thing I strongly stayed in a state of denial. As the cases climbed I remembered the conversation I had with Zach at the start of the year. It doesn't matter if we get a vaccine if no one takes it. It only works if everyone takes it and we get enough immunity to actually stop the spread, hence stopping potential other variants. We were able to finally get back to St. Louis before the big onset of the Delta variant, which had the trip been a week or two later we probably wouldn't have gone. I am so glad we were able to make the trip. I love that town and the friends and family we have there so much. It will forever hold a special place in my heart. We got to watch Adam Wainright pitch to Yadier Molina, we saw the new aquarium, we visited old friends, and got to stay with Uncle Val and Aunt Julie who we hadn't seen in years. It was a wonderful trip.

Fourth of July at the lake

As August came around all the fears about going back to school, still in the middle of a pandemic resurfaced. It was devastating to me. I couldn't believe I was back in that same spot, trying to figure out what to do, what was right, what was safe, what were the risks I was willing to take. I felt defeated. It was all made one hundred percent worse by the fact that this time around masks weren't being required, there were no mandatory quarantine times, it was like the wild west, with no rules and utter disregard for the fact that the new variant made children more sick and hospitals were filling up again. As with everything and every decision over the past two years we made the best choices we could, at the time, with the information we had. I wrote emails to the principles and superintendent and at the end of the day felt like most of it was wasted energy. The people who are the loudest are very rarely the ones that are correct, but they do seem to get the most done.

Zach and I also celebrated our 15th wedding anniversary.

Back to school fun

5th grade meet the teacher

Pre-k meet the teacher. I was very nervous about sending Thatcher to pre-k. I wasn't ready for my time with him at home to be over and I really wasn't ready to have all my kids in school, leaving home all by myself. He's done amazingly well and exceeded my expectations of how much he could learn and grow in a year. I have enjoyed my days by myself, but still find myself somewhat last without children there with me.

Thatcher did need some extra cuddles once he started school, but he quickly got over that.

First day of school for Rowan

September started fall baseball in full swing, our last trips to the lake, and settling into school routines. The COVID numbers seemed to have crested and school was going well with only one COVID exposure scare for Rowan. We did the right thing and quarantined but no one got sick. The year came in waves and anytime I found myself feeling too settled or finally falling into a nice rhythm I would brace myself for the next wave. 

I got my booster shot in September. This felt like just an added bonus of protection and piece of mind. Not sure it is going to turn out to be that, but glad I did it.

Wally remained adorable

October was lots of fun. We finished up fall baseball. The big boys went on their Cub Scout camp out while T and I had a fun weekend at home together. Over fall break Zane went to San Antonio with his friend while the rest of us spent a fun weekend away in Wichita. Zane started to have some tough times at school with friends and stupid fights, but things seemed to have settled out by the end of the month. Heading into Halloween I was sicker than a dog, lost my voice and was sick for the first two weeks of November. I got well just as Zane got sick.

We started November very hopeful as the big boys both got their first vaccine the first week of November. We felt like we had made it to a big milestone, with both boys finally getting vaccinated. A week later Zane tested positive for COVID and thus began our two months of being sick. Zane had a really bad case of it, being pretty sick for a solid three weeks. This included the week of before Thanksgiving break, all of Thanksgiving break, and the week after. He went back to school for two weeks and then on the first day of Christmas break came he was sick again and we all had the flu. 

First Vaccines!

Audra and Zach's day of fun!

Thanksgiving at home 2021

December

Luckily everyone was well enough to participate in their choirs and be at school of end of the semester parties. We got sick just in time for Christmas break.

Rowan had been dying to do Christmas choir after having practiced with Zane when he was in kindergarten and first grade and then it being cancelled last year.

We were all well enough for cozy cabin weekend 2.0, which did not disappoint. The point was to have a weekend of just being together without any craziness of Christmas time. Turns out our December turned into one big cozy Korenak Christmas at home, yet again.

Even little Rowan, who is never sick, had a fever and felt pretty miserable on the lead up to Christmas day.

Driveway Christmas take two. I think Thatcher might think this is how Christmas works.

By Christmas Eve I was feeling incredibly miserable, but I powered through until after present on Christmas morning before I gave up and went to the ER.

November and December have all passed in a daze of sickness. No one else got COVID, but everyone got a least a little bit of the flu/fever of December. We yet again found ourselves not being able to see family of Thanksgiving or Christmas, only this year everyone else seemed to be with their families, posting pictures of their first Christmases back together. The whole holiday season felt sad and lonely, made worse by me being incredibly sick over Christmas, spending Christmas day in the ER. 

This year Zach took the boys to SEMO to see his family by himself while I was at home sick. I made myself not do any projects or really anything beyond the dishes and some laundry. I let myself rest and get well. I spent New Year's Eve alone, which strangely was lovely. The boys started school yesterday and I am bracing for everyone to be sick again any day now. I no longer really fear them getting incredibly sick and ending up in the hospital, but I cannot face another two weeks isolated at home, missing school, and missing work. Hoping for the best but we shall see how it goes.

I ended the year feeling decently defeated, especially after started it with so much hope. It ended with another variant spreading like wild fire and everything once again feeling terribly uncertain. I'm exhausted mentally and physically, admittedly some of that is from being sick for the past three weeks, but some of it is from living in a constant state of fear for the past two years. Living through unprecedented times for years on end takes a toll on you. There were moments this year were I felt I could not possibly handle the weight of it all for one more day. I ran completely out of the ability to put on a happy face and make the most of a bad situation. When I did try to rally and put on a happy face, rally the troops, throwing out ideas of fun things we could do while we're stuck at home, my children look at me like, "no mom, we are done with this routine. No more putting a happy spin to it. We're stuck here and we're just going to watch TV." I didn't have much fight left so loads of tv it was. So be it. We continue to have zero expectations, make zero plans, and the old saying from my childhood, "hope deferred make the hear sick," has never rang more true.