My Oklahoma City Bombing Story

On April 19th, 1995 I was in the fifth grade. My memories of that day begin in the PPV gym, with its carpeted basketball court, a loud scene full of kids and fun. This moment was interrupted by the principle coming to get a classmate of mine and taking her to the office. By the time, they made it to the big blue doors, leading out to the hall, she was in tears. I knew then that something wasn't quite right. I would find out later that her dad had been in the building next door to the Murray Building and her mother couldn't get a hold of him. I am unsure who had called the school and thought this was something a fifth grader needed to know, but that's how it played out. 

After recess we were all brought back to Mrs. Watley's classroom, not my normal room, where we found the TV in the corner turned on, with all the teachers watching the horrific scenes from downtown Oklahoma City. The rest of our day, and for many days that followed, we spent doing just that, watching the horrific scenes from our home state. I remember bits and pieces of the teachers trying to explain to us what was happening, but the biggest thing that stuck out to me was that this wasn't happening far away, this was happening here. And secondly I remember not understanding why they kept pulling children  from the rubble, "what kind of big building, in downtown Oklahoma City would have little bitty kids in it?" I would soon figure out that there had been a daycare in the basement of the Murray Building and nineteen small children lost their lives that day.

I watched all of the now iconic scenes play out, the fireman carrying out the baby covered in ash, the red headed siblings, the men and women running down the street, bleeding from all over, and all the heroic scenes of rescue workers carrying victims from the rubble. A few days later I watched one of the men responsible for this terror being taken out of a court house where I played on the lawn every year at the Cherokee Strip Parade in Perry, OK.  One of the most vivid memories I have was, what I think was days later, sitting on the floor of the living room on evening, in the old house, watching the cadaver dogs searching the rubble by emergency lights. I was helping my mother fill film canisters with rice to make shakers for her classroom. I distinctly remember the moment; the first in my short few years of life, when I realized what evil was and came to fully understand that it existed in the world around me. I lost a tiny bit of my innocence in that moment.

 

For the next few weeks these images surrounded us here in Oklahoma. It was all consuming as a child so I can only imagine how it felt to adults and to the families directly impacted. Everyone was impacted and had a story to go with it. Our family's story was that my mother's cousin worked on the ninth floor, of the ten story building. He was called out of the office around 8:30 that morning and the blast happened at 9:02. Everyone knew someone who had a near miss or who lost someone. The world gathered here and Oklahoma, this middle of nowhere, middle of the country state, showed everyone how to handle tragedy. We showed the world how to help your neighbor, how to support your community, how to deal with all that follows, and to how rebuild with beautiful grace. People around the world questioned if Oklahoma would be able to handle such a terrible tragedy, but we rose gracefully to the occasion, setting what has become known as The Oklahoma Standard.

Before the building was torn down my parents took us to Oklahoma City, "the city" as we called it, to see the site. We parked a few blocks away and walked down to the bombing site. On our walk I remember reading messages of encouragement for the first responders and messages of pride about how our state responded. The windows in the buildings leading up to the site were all blown out which I didn't understand at the time, but the blast itself affected all of downtown OKC. We saw what had been named the survivor tree, the small elm tree that was across the street from the blast that was miraculously not harmed. It still stands today, as a wonderful image of our state's strength. Once we got to the actual site we came upon the now famous chain linked fence, covered with mementos left by people who had come to visit or who had come to help. I vividly remember that the moment I could actually see the building it literally took my breath away. I felt physically ill. As a twelve year old those sights, sounds, and smells were a lot to take in. We spent along time reading the messages on the fence and my memories from this point on in our visit are complete silence. I'm not sure if everyone was silent or if in the shock of it all just blocked everything out. The emotions were overwhelming and for the first time I can remember, in my short life, I truly felt empathy for everyone affected by this terrible tragedy. Before we headed home I left my childhood rosary on the chain link fence.

 

 

 

Everyone's life is marked by big events, not just personally but nationally or internationally. For my parent's generation there was Vietnam, MLK's assassination, Kennedy's assassination, and landing on the moon. My generation's big life events started with the Oklahoma City bombing. After the bombing, as I entered high school and started attending national conferences, being from Oklahoma became something I was passionately proud of. Sadly the Oklahoma City bombing is now just the beginning of a list of tragedies that have marked my generation. Columbine, 9/11, Iraq war, Afghanistan war, school shooting, after school shooting, after tragedy.

Twenty years later I am amazed at the lasting impact the Oklahoma City Bombing has had on my life. Each time another national event takes place, and the images of tragedy fill our TV screens, I am taken back to that day, as an eleven year old child. Back to the first time I witnessed evil and am comforted to know that in the end the bad guys never win. In the end light will always drive out the darkness.

So twenty years later, as a show of support and in remembrance of all those lost, I will be running next Sunday in the Oklahoma City Memorial Marathon Relay. I will be running a 5K leg a long with Zach, Abbey, Able and Kari.  I have kept all of these memories close to my heart, reminding me what it is all about. I thought of the little kids who lost their lives that day, who would be in their twenties now, who aren't able to run. I am a not a fan of running so it has been a struggle, but I'm ready to take part of paying tribute to all those who were lost twenty years ago. 

Able ran the entire marathon in 2010. I was honored to watch him finish such a lofty goal and so proud to stand at the memorial with him afterwards. That weekend was the last weekend I was home while dad was alive. Dad had a blast cheering Able on then and I'm sure he will be beaming with pride, cheering us all on from above, next Sunday!

Singing Boys

Work here is harder for the complete opposite reason than it was in St. Louis. There the patient's were heart breaking and the actual physical work was more demanding. Here, mostly by choice, I feel like I don't really have a home, lots of new people, new floors, different patients, and I haven't formed that family feeling that I had in St. Louis. It's fine, I only work two days a week, but those days can be lonely and trying at times. So my extremely warm welcome when I come home is greatly appreciated here.

I am usually greeted with hugs, kisses, and stories from their days at school. Rowan has gotten to where he can tell me things that he did, like "I play" or "go outside." No ground breaking stories being shared, but still a welcome change to be able to communicate with him. They eat most of my super and then it's quickly time for bed.

"I cuddo mamma," is always Rowan's request and tonight our "cuddo" was amazing. Rowan was in rare form, giving lots of kisses, "I kissa you mamma," and requesting all his favorite songs. Not necessarily bedtime songs, but his favorites. Itsy Bitsy Spider, Wheels on the Bus, ABC Song, Patty Cake, Woof Woof in the Window (How much is that doggie in the window), and of course ending with Little Boy.  Tonight was the first night that he sang all the songs with me and course knew all the hand motions to the songs that had them. Let me just go on record as saying nothing, on God's green earth, is as adorable than a two year old singing Wheels on the Bus or even better a song that I made up. Rowan sang all the words, in his tiny little voice, loud and proud, with his little head on my shoulder.

I could have stayed there, cuddling him, singing Wheels on the Bus repeatedly all night, but soon Rowan requested Daddy cuddles and I was on to the next boy. Zane, randomly, was in rare form with his singing this evening as well. I know that he knows all the words to the various lullabies but he very rarely will sing with me at night. He will sing all the words to songs on the radio, but usually at night he just wants to be cuddled and sung to. But tonight he joined right in, singing in his real, sweet, little boy singing voice, not yelling. His favorite night time song currently is the song Grandma made up for Rowan, which I wasn't sure he knew all the words too, but turns out he dose and did a beautiful job singing it to his stuffed animals.

By the time I was done cuddling and singing to both boys my hug sack was full and I was feeling much better. It was the greatest end to a difficult two days, where smiles and wonderful moments were few and far between. I am so blessed to spend the majority of my time with such wonderful little people, who are always smiling, always ready to play, who laugh a lot, who truly adore me, and whom I as truly adore was well. I try to stay focused on those things and less on the time I spend away. Sometimes that is very difficult, but bedtimes like this evenings always help!

Ten on Tuesday

1. Easter prep was in full swing on Friday. We had a practice egg hunt at the house and dyed eggs. Both boys had a great time and were super excited about going to the farm.

2. Easter celebrations at the farm went great. Saturday was gorgeous, Sunday was freezing and windy, but we made do.

 Little boy at the farm!

 

We attempted to fly kites, though Zane and Rowan's didn't work very well. Everyone ended up sharing and having fun in the wheat field, as usual.

The biggest source of entertainment for the kids is the huge dirt pile in front of mom's house, waiting to become a flower bed. They dug holes and got completely filthy, repeatedly.

3. In the afternoon I went a beautiful run around the section. This is really where I prefer to run, out on the open prairie. I got back in time for an early afternoon fish fry that turned out to be amazingly delicious, courtesy of the Blakley's. 

 Rowan has mastered the art of lounging in the gorgeous weather. He sat here and watched everyone else run around crazy for quite some time.

Rowan's, usually tense, relationship with Uncle Brent seemed to flourish over his love of jumping off this ladder. So that was a good thing to come from this weekend.

4.We got in our Sunday best for Easter Vigil Mass Saturday evening. Zane participated in the creation story again, as did Brendan and Maggie. It was amazing, like it is every time. So glad they got to be a part of it. 

 Cousin picture!

5.When we got home from mass we tried an Easter experiment, planting jelly beans to see if when the Easter bunny came by if they would grow into Lolly Pops, which Zach had heard might happen. In great news it worked and we had a pot full of lolly pops in the morning. Who knew, great, fun, new tradition!

6. The Easter bunny brought lots of goodies as well, with my favorite being Rowan's stuffed Mallard duck, which is hysterical and he loves. Zane was devastated that he didn't get a stuffed animal, but in fairness to the Easter bunny he had gotten a stuffed dinosaur the day before and has stuffed animals running out his ears, which I'm sure the Easter bunny knew.

 This picture is hysterical, "I cuddle my quack quack mamma."

7. We braved the windy, cold morning for an epic Easter egg hunt that sprawled all over mom's huge yard and gardens. I think everyone found plenty of eggs and got lots of candy.

 problem solving how to get the egg off the the arch

8. After naps there was also a Pirate Treasure hunt, complete with gifts at the end. I supervised Maggie and Zane's team, who where very spirited and knew what all the clues meant right away. It was great fun, with chocolate gold coins found along the way. 

 They found their books first, though there we no winners and losers, obviously. 

9. The last funtivity of the weekend was throwing the cascarones at the house and spreading lots of Easter cheer with the confetti they left in front of mom's house. Rowan didn't buy into throwing them and went for the tamer, poke a hole in the end and sprinkle confetti everywhere approach, per his personality. 

 Very Festive!

10. Yesterday the Little Rascals were back on the field and Zane began to find T-ball a little less exciting. He spent a lot of time in center field sitting down or spinning in circles while Zach tried to keep him at least somewhat focused on the game. The struggle was real. He did have a good hit and ran the bases. Meanwhile the other cousins had a great time playing together. We stayed to watch Brendan have a great hit and score in his game, which was after Zane's. Lot of fun at the ball park. I can't wait to see the telephoto pictures of Zane's out fielding that Aunt Abbey took!

 Zane was even bored when he was up to bat. He is shooting people with his bat in this picture.

 Look closely and you can see Zane sitting down in center field.

 Cousin fun

11. Bonus: Yesterday we took an afternoon trip to our park which ended in lots of adorable pictures. Zane and Rowan played wonderfully together, which always makes park so much more enjoyable. 

Brotherly Love

The sadness in his face, the utter look of confusion, "Bobo?" "Where are you bobo?" Wandering aimlessly until he finds his brother's face in a crowd of little boys, his brother just as excited to see him. They hug, Zane asks "do you miss me Ro Ro, you can't come and play, you're too little." Then Zane's gone, back on the field with dad, Rowan's second true love, and he is lost again. "What are you doing bobo?" "Where's bobo?" "Zaneyboy.... where are you?" Finally giving up, sitting alone eating raisins on the sidewalk.

 

  

 

 

This sad scene played out numerous times at Monday nights t-ball game. Rowan and I would sit down with Grandma, then Rowan would realize that his other half was missing, that no one was holding his hand, or chasing him. There was no one there to laugh with or to mimic, he was truly lost. I've never witnessed so many loving, adorable hugs. Rowan took Zane raisins mid game and handed them to him in the dug out through the fence. Zane brought Rowan a hat for him and made sure it fit just right, ending with another hug and kiss. Then Rowan waited patiently outside of the dugout after the game until finally his big brother was back at his side.

 "You're ok Rowan."

This love, between these two, makes every last battle, every last tear, worth it. To know that no matter what, they have a best friend, a buddy, a playmate, that's what it is all about. Currently this love is completely mutual. Zane rarely, if ever, gets tired of his shadow, and thoroughly adores Rowan as well. I know that some day this will change and things won't always be this adorable. But my prayer for these two is that they always are there to give each other hugs, that they grow up together, and not grow apart. I pray that when they are adults that they might be blessed with an amazingly close relationship like I have with my siblings. I'm not sure how to make that happen, so for now it's just prayers and lots of adorable hugging pictures!!!!