What do we want to have?

Tomorrow is the big ultrasound and the question I have been asked a hundred times in the last few weeks is the all too common question of, "What do you want to have?" If we were playing one of those games where someone says things and you give rapid fire answers of the first thing that pops into your head, my answer to this question would be, immediately, "A fully functioning heart." Pretty sure I have said it to a few people who have asked since I have no filter when I'm pregnant. But it's the God's honest truth. 

Everyone says "It doesn't matter as long as it's healthy." I said it with Zane and truly felt like I new the meaning of it, and really deeply meant it, having seen all I had seen at my job. And I did, I really just want a healthy baby. However, once you become one of the few people whose baby isn't perfectly healthy the statement "It doesn't matter as long as it's healthy" takes on a whole new meaning. It comes from the depths of your soul, almost like your pleading with God to please let this one be healthy. You have felt the weight of what the not perfectly healthy child brings. You know the heartache, the fear, the tears. You have lived it and survived it, but would do anything to not have to walk down that road again. 

Then there is the fact that on paper I would like to have three kids, I'm one of three, with my siblings being my best friends. However, this could be my last shot. If anything, at all, is wrong with this baby I am not having anymore. So in that case I would like a daughter so I could experience mothering a girl as well as a boy. On the other hand I'm terrified of being a mother to a girl for numerous reasons, mostly dealing with the teenage years, and think boys aren't such emotional wrecks. I like being a mother to a boy, I am good at it, I love their craziness and energy, but could also use a calmer child as well.

So the answer to the million dollar question is... I truly and deeply don't care as long as it is healthy.