Where would I be without Zane

Well let me answer that question really quickly... I would still be crying on my couch if not for Zane. As it is I am playing with teething toys and rattles on the floor.

Lets go back. A few years ago one of Abbey's friends was in a master's degree class and recorded an oral history of dad's life. This consisted of dad talking about his life, farming, the land run, ect. I vaguely remember this happening but hadn't thought anything of it until Abbey gave us a copy of the CD for Christmas. I found the CD today while unpacking from Christmas and repacking for our upcoming trip to Zach's parents this weekend. I thought it might be comforting to hear dad's voice, though I knew there was the possibility of it being epically depressing.

Turns out it was the later of those two things. I got maybe 2 minutes in before bursting into tears. Zane was taking a nap so I continued to listen/cry for a few minutes, but it did not get any better. I quickly turned it off and fell into a dark place, missing my father horribly. I feel like I should be able to pick up the phone and hear his voice at any time. I expect him to call me early some morning to just check in on me. I cannot believe that isn't going to happen again.

I had to quickly pull myself together, as I heard Zane muttering in his crib. Before going to get Zane I quickly let Abbey and Able know what a horrible idea listening to the CD had been and that they should not listen to it, under any circumstance, at least not yet. I know that at some point the CD will mean the world and years from now it will be a great blessing to have a recording of his voice, but for now it is just to soon.

I am so grateful that I have such a happy baby boy to pull me out of my dark place. I may have a heavy heart, but I have a smile on my face thanks to my happy thought, Zane.