Mommy Guilt Exemplified

Everyday that I go to work I have a tinge of guilt in that moment when I realize I will miss an entire day of my boys lives. I won't be there for any of it. No kissing boo boos, no hugs or cuddles at nap time, no singing, no dancing, no playing. I'll be lucky to get a good night hug and kiss in at the end of the day and it's heartbreaking. All of those things are left in the hands of people that I pray can love my boys as much as I do, though I know there is no way they could. But we move forward. I try to remember that playing with other children is good for them, learning to be in a classroom setting is a skill Zane needs to develop, and whatever else I can come up with to rationalize my 14 hour days away from them. This all usually works fine and I don't find myself agonizing about it all day while I'm at work.

 

Yesterday was a different story. After doing my morning rounding I sat down to chart and checked my phone. One new voicemail. A pleasant voice comes on and tells me that Zane has forgotten his blanket at home and is "very upset" about it. And could I "just run that by" at some point. My heart sunk, I knew there was no way I could run anything by and doubted that Zach could either. The thing about nursing is I can't leave my work day unless he is coming to the ER downstairs, then I could go visit him. Or if I'm in labor, I did leave once when I thought I was having a kid, but it wasn't easy. I knew that in reality Zane would be fine, he wasn't sick or hurt, but he was "very upset." Zane still struggles with the idea of being away from me all day and I'm sure naptime is very hard for him there, but usually he at least has his beloved blanket and Mooly to cuddle.

 

 I have pictures of Zane, at every age, looking just like this, asleep, cuddling Mooly and his blanket.

I talked to Zach, who also couldn't "run anything by." I took a minute and tried to move past it. I went on about my day until a few hours later I couldn't pin point why I felt sick to my stomach, like something terrible was happening, even though I was having a pretty good day. I knew I was stressed about our house situation, because that always weighs on me, but I had  never really felt this physically ill about it before. Then I put it all together. It was mommy guilt exemplified. Mommy guilt to the extreme. I knew that Zane was having a rough day, "very upset," probably crying, and so sad, but there was nothing I could do about. I could fix it all by just walking into the room, but instead I would be taking care of other people's children for another ten hours. It was a devistating feeling, that I had to consciously try to surpress all day long. I'm sure it wasn't that big of a deal to him, he probably was over it by the time I listened to that voicemail. But for me the thought of my children feeling any kind of discomfort or stress due to something I could have prevented or because of something I did/didn't do is the worst feeling in the world. Even when it's something as silly as a blanket.

 

When I got home from work and asked Zane how his day had been he said, after a very heavy sigh, "well I not have my bwanket or Mooley, so I was berry sad. I not cry, I just berry sad..... all day." Oh he played it up, with his little head down and puppy dog eyes. I think he even busted out some little sniffles in there somewhere. "Mommy they say they call you, but you not bring it to me. Why you not bring me my bwanket?" Crushing blow to my soul. I didn't show up when he thought I was going to or thought I should. There was nothing to be done, but he couldn't understand that. "Mommy I was berry cold to nap time. My toes were berry freezing." Because anyone who has seen his paper thin, stretched out blanket, can tell you it would really keep him warm. But I could tell his feelings were hurt and it had been a tough day.

Mommy guilt is my least favorite part of parenting. Or maybe the time I'm forced to be away from them is my least favorite part. I think it would be made easier if I had a job were I truly loved being there or found ot really fulfilling to me. That isn't really were I am now in my life. It's a job, it's fine, and it's only three days a week. I can bare it because I get to be with my kids the other four days. But missing entire days of their lives is not getting easier and I'm not getting use to it.

Ten on Tuesday

1. Today was Zane's four year doctor's appointment. He has been prepping for his shots for a week now. He has watched the Daniel Striped Tiger episode, "Daniel Get's a Shot" multiple times. "Close your eyes and think of something happy" song really worked and he didn't shed a tear during his two shots. He weighed in at 43.8lbs 90th percentile and is 43 inches tall, 95th percentile. He has always been at the 90th and 95th percentile. My favorite part of every doctor's appointment with Zane is when the doctor asks me, "so is he active?" "Is the Pope whatever nationality the Pope is now?" Hysterical.

Ro was pretty concerned about brother having to sit up on that table. He checked on him frequently. Zane thoroughly enjoyed it!

 No tears, but decently traumatized after his two shots. He was very proud of his minion band-aids though.

2. We are heading to SEMO on Friday so preparations are well under way for our ten hour road trip with two kids. Snacks are pulled together, toys, books, and DVDs packed. Zane should be fine, I'm pretty concerned about Rowan though, he doesn't take well being in the car for long periods of time. I shoveled all the trash, food, toys, jackets, and God knows what else out of my car today. So we are ready. Wish us luck!

3. Speaking of Ro D, he is officially addicted and beyond obsessed with The Itsy Bitsy Spider app on the ipad. So much so this app has recently been added to my phone as well, since brawls were breaking out when Zane was trying to learn to read and Rowan wanted to play itsy bitsy spider. He looses his mind at the site of my cell phone or ipad, so both are hidden most of the day. My apologizes for any texts or calls I miss, but he needs to be detoxed. Rowan has mastered the fit by the way. He did learn from the master I guess.

4. The other reason my phone is rarely by me is that we are spending a lot of time in the pool these days. Zane is becoming quite the swimmer, but Rowan has multiple near drownings with each swim. He slips and falls, is pushed down, or tries to swim like brother and in an instant he is taking on water. So I am usually in the pool with them or at arms length away, life guarding, very intensely. Today was the best yet, we swam twice with no rescues needed! It's tough starting out in the big pool, no kiddie pool, splashing in an inch of water for Rowan. He has to keep up with brother.

Keeping up with brother sometimes means taking a water hose to the face.

 He is quite the water baby though. Zane always wants to get out before he does.

5. Tomorrow is Zane's last swim lesson for this go around. I think he has learned a lot and he seems much more confident in the water. He can float now and swims pretty well with his head under water. Surprisingly does this better than with his head out of the water. Due to a scheduling nightmare at work I was able to take him to his lessons yesterday. He dove down and got the ring off the bottom and was learning frog leg kicking. He was very proud of himself and looked oh so four years old with his new hair cut. Rowan and I worked on identifying body parts on the sidelines. Ro struggles with a lot of them, but always gets his belly right

6. Also on my surprise day off Monday ( I worked Sunday, also a surprise, the worst case scenario as a nurse) we went and got snow cones. Zane's flavor of choose this summer, Ninja Turtle! Zane was a wonderful brother and shared his Ninja Turtle snow cone with his brother. How much do you love his shades??

7. The boys new favorite thing to play together is super heroes. Rowan loves the Superman cape and Zane switches between numerous different heroes. This has led to one of Rowan few words being 'punch.' Thanks Zane! They do "fight" nicely and the past two days have played this a lot without it ending in tears. Pretty amazing and very adorable!!

 Super Ro Ro to the rescue!!

 This is how Zane frequently gives Rowan "train rides."

And then the punching!

8. Yesterday during lunch this happened. No explanation necessary. So freaking cute.

9. For everyone thinking I might have gone to the allergist and gotten a miracle pill of some sort to fix all my sinus pain, you are terribly wrong. I know it's a huge surprise. They did do a lot there though. I got allergy tests and am allergic to every tree, weed, and grass known to man apparently. Those were the worst, but I reacted to everything. My pulmonary function test went well, so my asthma is under control which is good The insurance debacle of 2014 continues in an attempt to get a freaking CT of my sinuses. It is seriously the dumbest thing I've ever been a part of. I have to get that then see an ENT. So if I'm luck we will have this all sorted out by the end of the year. Meanwhile my sinuses still hurt all the time and I'm on every medicine available! Kill me!

10. We had a tragic death of our new lobster/crawfish (Mcustache). Turns out, unlike what the PETCO "specialist" told us, they require iodine drops. There was a brief mystery when the kids and I got home from swim lessons and Zach said he had taken the body out and Zane said "you telling a lie." Sure enough there was a body in the front of the tank. We think he must of molted his shell(?) and that was what Zach had taken out. OR somehow he multiplied and both of them died?? Unsolved mystery!!! Zane has handled all the fish death very well. Wreck it Ralph had to be executed after murdering Venelope. Lot's of scandal in the Korenak fish tank, stay tuned. 

Bonus Round:  I am loving summer with those two adorable boys. Both of them are getting quite a nice tan!

  

Zane's Fourth Birthday Letter

Dear Zane,

 

How is my little Zaney boy four? I don't know, but you are one hundred percent four years old! Zane you are my bright light of every day. You exude energy, happiness, and enthusiam for life. Whenever I'm tired or not feeling well, which unfortunately has been a lot of the time recently, your beautifully bright personality picks me up and gets me through the day. Don't get me wrong, your endless amounts of energy can be exhausting at times, but I wouldn't change it for the world. Zane you have a wonderful gift with people, always welcoming, always loving, always greeting everyone you meet with a big smile and a kind word.  You are not shy with your affections. Most people you meet get hugs and kisses from you as well.  You have grown to be a very polite little man and it truly warms my heart.

Your tender heart doesn't take well to being in trouble or being corrected, and this has resulted in lots of tears and meltdowns this year. I know you desperately want to "be a berry good boy" as you would say, but there are times that you struggle to listen and do what we ask. You still struggle to "slow your body down" to go potty or not hurt your brother. It's hard to watch you go through these rough times, but you are learning and growing, and I see you trying so hard each day. I am very proud of all the work you have done and the progress you have made to become such a big boy this past year.

You currently adore your little brother, your cousins, your aunts and uncles, your daddy, but to my supreme delight I think I still sit at the top of this list. You are quite the mommy's boy, requiring lots of mommy cuddles through out the day. It has been hard for you going back to daycare, but believe me even harder for me. Every moment I am away from you and your brother is heart breaking to me. I hate missing any days with you, but I do love to hear you tell me stories about the adventures I missed. Your imagination is beyond compare. You are full of all sorts of ideas, different scenaries we could play, or things we could pretend to do. Never stop imagining new and different possiblities for yourself. You have a memory like no four year old I have ever met. You remember everything we say, mention in passing, or things you might hear off handedly. There is no keeping secrets or changing plans with you. I think this will serve you well in your future.
 

I love watching you grow and learn each day. This year you have grown up so much and I now consider you my greatest helper. You love working and do whatever task I give you without complaint. "We are berry workers" is one of your most used sentences. You love to have a job and be in charge of something and I love having an extra set of hands to help me around the house. You have grown into a wonderful big brother, always holding your brother's hand on the way to the car, trying to play with him, and at times loving him a little too much. I'm so happy that you will always have a best friend in your little brother. 

So Zane, my prayers for you at four are this; may you never loose your never ending energy. Keep running, keep jumping, keep giving life 110%.  Please Lord may your sweet, tender, loving, accepting heart never change or get broken. You are the most loving little boy and I cringe to think of the day that sweet heart of yours will be broken. Never stop giving me big hugs, cuddles at night, and sloppy little boy kisses. Keep singing, keep dancing, keep making up stories, keep loving to learn. Never stop protecting and loving your brother. May you grow to love and adore him as much as I love and adore my siblings. And lastly, don't be in any hurry to grow up. It will happen, I will cry, and it will be wonderful. But don't rush it. You have your whole life to be big, for now just be four!!!

 I love you so much sweet boy!
Mommy

Days of Birthday Celebrations

Zane's fourth birthday celebrations have been going on for days now. They started on Thursday, his actual birthday. He woke up early to open his presents from Zach and I, then had a solid two hours to play with me uninterrupted while Rowan slept, exhausted from being up for three hours in the night.  When we went to buy groceries Zane proclaimed to all of the greater OKC area that it was his birthday, and was very upset when people did not respond to his proclamations. He got to take a special trip to the toy store to pick out a gift. I limited this to the Ninja Turtle isle and after much debate, and concerns about possibly hurting his brother, he landed on the Ninja Turtle sword, that lights up, and says phrases like, "let's go give those monkey's the business." Then there was lunch with Grandma at Chick-Fil-A, where he met his soul mate on the playground. He professed his undying love and affection within minutes. It was very cute. Then home for naps and then off to an afternoon movie with mommy. He got up from his nap and with a heavy sigh said, "come on mom, let's go." Like, we have so much to do, we better get started. We saw How to Tame Your Dragon 2, which was long (as all kid movies are) and slightly depressing since ***SPOILER ALERT*** Hiccup's dad dies tragically.  Zane struggled to stay focused, but we pulled through and I think he really enjoyed his first 3D movie experience, specifically the popcorn and candy, obviously.

 

 This mask courtesy of me not checking what's in my amazon cart before checking out. Oops, but he has loved it!

 Once Rowan woke up there was lots of running back and forth through the streamers. This is endless fun, though when some fell down Zane did run to his room screaming "my birthday is ruined." So dramatic, we put them back up and all was right with the world.

 

When we got home the Richards kids came over for swimming, Chip Dudes (nachos, taco salad, chips and dip, whatever you want to do with chips), cupcakes, and presents. The cupcakes at this party had green frosting and looked like a Ninja Turtle face. Of course there were green cups that also looked like Ninja Turtles. All of which Zane helped me prepare. We've been decorating, planning, and preparing all week and he has loved every minute of it. My favorite part of the decorations didn't come into the picture until yesterday when I bought amazing Ninja Turtle balloons and the piece de resistance, a number four balloon made out of snake!!! Love it!!!  Aunt Kari and Uncle Able came over and stayed later for an impromptu dance party, the likes of which I have never seen. Zane loved all of it and was sad to see his actual birthday end. But no worries he had a party at school the next day with more cupcakes and treat bags for his buddies.

 His big present from Zach and I was this bed tent. It so far has not only stayed on his bed, but he has slept in it wonderfully. No falling out of bed and he has even gotten up to go to the bathroom without freaking out and not being able to find his way out. He has not, however, slept any later in the morning as some reviews had advertised.

That brings us up to today when the actual birthday party was happening. Thursday really turned into quite the party and would have been plenty, but he was very excited for more swimming with the Richards kids, a different cake, and a pinata to top off the fun. Grandma brought two live turtles this morning, which were a huge hit, and have since been released into the "wild" (our backyard). It would be fun if they hung around, but I'm sure they will find a way out. Today's menu was all of Zane's breakfast favorites, pigs in a blanket (a.k.a little piggies wrapped up, as Zane calls them), bacon, cheesy eggs, and pancakes. Somewhere in there Zane and his cousins opened all his presents from today without the rest of us really knowing. Which was fine. He has gotten lots of Ninja Turtle things, new puzzles, new toys, and Candy Land which has been a huge hit.

 Now those are some party balloons folks!!!

 The guest of honor for the day!

 Uncle Able is always the life of the party. Today was no different even though he and Kari had to leave a little early to open the shop.

 Zane and Maggie found the bag of party poppers and went through those in about five minutes.

 "We're decorating the ground!!!" - Maggie

The kids made the transition from pancakes to cake and ice cream seamlessly. I admittedly struggled with this and still haven't tasted his green, Ninja Turtle, street cake. Then it was outside for the pinata, which didn't break easily, but did have a pull string to release the candy. Zane had been in charge of filling it, with very little supervision from me, so there were all sorts of fun things inside that I didn't really know were going in there.

 

I think Rowan is over all the partying, he has been quite emotional today. Here he is taking in the cake action with Aunt Kari!

 Rowan made the wise decision to take in the Pinata fun from the side lines.

 That huge splash of water behind Maggie is Zane, obviously!

  

 He got this fun towel earlier in the week so he could use it at swim lessons, very cool stuff.

 

After more fun outside everyone headed out and we all headed to bed, exhausted from our days of partying. But don't worry we were up soon, ready for round two of party day, bowling. This was purely Zane's idea and of course he got bored with it after about two turns and wanted to move onto the arcade, where there weren't any games he could really play, but lots of flashing lights. It was a bit of struggling wrangling Rowan as well, but all said and done I do think Zane had a great time with his cousins. After two games and some pretend car driving we wished Aunt Abbey a safe flight to Denver then headed home for snow cones and burgers by the pool. Zach and I even took got in on the swimming fun for a while. Mainly for Rowan's safety, but still lots of fun. Zach and Zane played Candy Land a few times while I tried to get Rowan's hug sack filled back up. He needed lots of cuddles tonight.

 These two ran up and down this ramp repeatedly for most of the time we were there. Glad to see Everett going fast and the two of them some what playing with each other without hurting one another.

 We didn't pay to play any games but everyone enjoyed pretending to drive, even tiny Rowan.

By this evening Zach and I could barely keep our eyes open so we sent the boys off to bed early. Zane so far has come out three times, telling me "my eyes won't stay shut." I know it has been lots of excitement and he has to be exhausted as well. Through all the craziness and excitement he has done very well, with only a few bouts of whining and crying over stupid things. He did pull it around and was very polite to everyone, saying thank you for his presents, not asking why they weren't Ninja Turtles. He is a great boy. I adore him and plan on writing him a birthday letter soon. When I am less sleep deprived.

Here are my parting shots of the birthday boy. They sum up his personality at four very well.

Zane's Fourth Year Interview

 Here are the results of Zane's four year old interview. These are the same questions I asked him last year. if anyone is interested, here are lat year's results. A few things have changed, but a lot remains the same. We asked him these questions on the morning of his fourth birthday, and recorded it this time. He had just opened his presents, so was sort of distracted. He got a toy set of smores to play with when we go pretend camping. His initial response to these, was a very rude, "this not a Ninja Turtle." Then he proceeded to play with them all morning. We also had a long talk about the correct response when someone gives you a present.

 

1.How old will you be on your birthday? Four

2.Who is your best friend? Everybody

3.What is your favorite thing to do? Play Ninja Turtls

4.What is your favorite color? Green, Orange, Yellow, and Blue

5.What is your favorite food? Initially said smores, when asked later he said cheese, which is much more accurate.

6. What do you like to do with your family? Play Camping

7.What is your favorite toy? Everything or my Smores

8.What do you want to be when you grow up? Teacher

9. What makes you happy? marshmallows, school (literally the worst thing in his life, cries about it exactly three times a week).

10.What makes you sad? When Grandma leaves

11.What is your favorite movie? Aladin

12.What is your favorite book? A lot of books

13.Where is your favorite place to go? Otto (a.k.a Science Museum)

14.What do you like to do outside? Play Ninjan Turtles

15.What is your favorite animal? Wilburt (the naked mole rat) *this and cheese the only two the same from last year

16.What is your favorite hat? Cowboy hat

17.What is your favorite snack? marshmallows

18.What do you like to cuddle when you sleep? Mooley

19.Who is favorite Super Hero? Ninjan Turtles

20.What is your favorite song? Teenage Mutant Ninjan Turtles

 

 Bonus Questions:

What do you want for your birthday? "I just got everything."

Who do you want to come to your birthday party? Grandma, Isaac

 
  This not only show cases some of his favorite things, but also his crippling ADD, saying whatever he sees at that moment. Love him!

Ten on Wednesday

1. This week is kind of rough, with it being birthday week. I worked three in a row, Mon-Wed, in order to get a long weekend after the bday. I haven't gotten anything done, I haven't seen my kids, and four days off antibiotics and I am miserable again. I also can't take any allergy medicine for the next two days, before my appointment on Friday.

2. This past weekend we celebrated Father's day with a morning trip to the park. Father's day is always hard, it just is. The boys and I planned lots of fun things for their dad, but it's just always going to be a hard day. Zane asked questions about my dad, I missed him terribly, but am so blessed that my kids have a wonderful father to celebrate.

Impossible for all three to look normal, but still cute.

 Rowan loves the ducks!

3. While at the park Rowan went down the twirly slide all by himself, like such a big boy. No problems. Zane also got to climb a tree, which was a huge hit. It was very muggy, a la St. Louis. I don't miss it always being that humid and sticky outside.

4. Saturday we celebrated Everett's second bday. We headed over to E's club house. Zane brought his own Mickey ears and had the genius idea to bring the talking hot dog with us. As in the hot dog dance. We had lots of fun dancing, playing, and trying to get E to walk again after his foot injury. I hear he is mobile again and sure hope he will be "going fast" soon. 

5. We tried to get Zane registered for another month of swimming lessons, but Zach arrived at the Y to register him was 6:30 and was too late, all sold out. I hear there was a long wait, with some choice words at the end of it. I'm sad because Zane seems to really like them and is getting better. I am afraid it will just be starting over if we don't continue doing them regularly. Also, he has zero fear and I don't want him to drowned. 

6. I have lots of birthday week posts I want to write but I've been working everyday and haven't managed to get anything written yet. Birthday week will just have to go into next week. The house is decked out in Ninja Turtles, ready for the celebrations to begin tomorrow. Zane and I are going to the movies tomorrow afternoon, which should be tons of fun!!

7. Big thanks to mom for stepping up yesterday and watching my two crazy kids on short notice. Zach had a last minute trip to Texas come up so the boys got to have a farm day with Grandma. I'm sure they had a great time and thoroughly enjoyed not going to school!

8. Rowan is starting to try to talk a lot more these days. There are new sounds everyday, not really words, but he is really getting close. He cracks me up with all sorts of things to say, but no idea what he is trying to express. 

 Here is Ro, doing a little night time reading.

9. Speaking of Rowan, he had his fifteen month check up. He weighed right at 23lbs, which is so little. Ro had a blast dancing around in his diaper while waiting for the doctor. Zane was beyond excited that Ro had to get shots. Get ready Zane, next week is your turn! He is due for, I think four shots at his four year appointment. 

Here they are, both getting a little nervous for shots.

10. This evening I was featured on the Pay It Forward segment on Channel Four. A previous patient nominated me and came up to the floor to surprise me with four hundred dollars. It was a big surprise and quite humbling. It's nice to know that the time I spend away from my boys, which is so terribly hard, can help brighten someone's day!