Dec. 27: Ordinary Joy

I am trying desperatly to finish all the Reverb10 prompts that I actually have answers to before the end of the year. Here is one of the last ones.

December 27 – Ordinary Joy Our most profound joy is often experienced during ordinary moments. What was one of your most joyful ordinary moments this year

I have been wanting to write about the favorite part of my day for a while now. It is a moment of ordinary joy that lights up heart each and every time it happens. Zane wakes up slowly from his naps and in the morning, but doesn't cry or scream. I usually hear him muttering and playing in his bed so I head into his room to get him. When I get to the side of his crib I am greeted by the greatest moment of ordinary joy. When he sees me his face completely lights up, he starts kicking, and flailing his arms about with joy. In that moment I feel completely loved and amazingly blessed.

6mn doctor appointment

Today was Zane's 6 month check up with his primary doctor. It was fabulously boring. He weighs 19lbs (80th percentile), is 28.5 inches long (95th percentile), and his adorable little head is 43 centimeters around (25th percentile). He is meeting all of his milestones, sitting up, using his little voice, eating all sorts of different food, teething, playing with toys, and doing all the things a healthy 6 month old should be doing.

He got 5 vaccines today, including the first of two flu shots ( so glad he could finally get this). He did pretty well with all this shots, with only a short period of time where he turned bright red from crying. I am still not use to how red he gets now when he is super upset. We still have to go every month to get his RSV shot for the next couple months and have to go back in 30 days for the second of his flu vaccines, but we won't be seeing the doctor until he is 9 months old. I can hardly believe how quickly time seems to be flying by now that he is healthy and happy.

The doctor told us he could start trying to use a sippy cup, he could start eating more table food, and he could start trying to feed himself (that should be entertaining). So we headed straight to Target afterwards to get more baby food and a new sippy cup. When we got home Zane drank 4oz of formula out of his new sippy cup and loved it, he did a great job controlling it, with only a little help from mom.

Dec. 25: Photo

December 25 – Photo – a present to yourself Sift through all the photos of you from the past year. Choose one that best captures you; either who you are, or who you strive to be. Find the shot of you that is worth a thousand words

This picture is one of my favorites from the past year. It was taken shortly after Zane came home from the hospital. He and I both were back to being giggly and happy for one of the first times since surgery.  It is one in a series of pictures where we were playing and laughing with each other. It is a picture that shows who I am, as a happy playful mother of a new baby, but also shows who I strive to be.

I feel like most of these first 6 months of Zane's life I have been pretty dang sad, not without cause. I have often worried that Zane will think that I'm always sad or crying, based on these tough few months. I know that this is irrational, but it is still something I think about. However I have worked hard on being happy and playful with Zane even on the days that I really just want to cry.  Next year I hope to be a happier Mommy with much less to cry about. 

Dec. 30: Gift

December 30 – Gift Prompt: Gift. This month, gifts and gift-giving can seem inescapable. What’s the most memorable gift, tangible or emotional, you received this year?

Of course the greatest gift I have received this year is the gift of my son. He is an unbelievable blessing and little miracle that I thank God for each day. He has kept me from breaking down and has been my ever present happy thought through out this year, even before he was born he was my happy thought.

The best tangible gift that I got this year is my yearly trip to the spa for my birthday.  I go every year, thanks to Zach, and it is a day of complete relaxation. I love it!!! This year I had a pregnancy message and a pediacure and left fully relaxed and feeling ready to face another year of life. I am hoping that I can get that for mother's day as well, but will need to be a gift certificate since mother's day and my bday are only two weeks apart. I of course got all kinds of fun goodies for Christmas this year, such as a new knife and knife sharpener (which I desperately needed), a new fun platter from Abbey, and two of my favorite movies, To Kill a Mockingbird and Meet Me In St. Louis on DVD.

Christmas 2010

Christmas this year was as good as could be as expected. Christmas morning I still felt pretty crummy but I was determined to make it a great day, what with it being Zane's first Christmas. Zane slept in until 7am, which was a bit of Christmas miracle. I let Zach sleep in, which was actually part of Able and I's plan to pull a Godfather and put the rocking horses head in bed with Zach. I put it in his bed at like 7:30am and he didn't roll over and find it for an hour, but when he did it was absolutely hysterical. Zach found it as funny as we did and was upset that he hadn't done it to Able first. After Zach got up we had a delicious breakfast of cream chipped beef on toast, a childhood favorite.

Abbey and her family got to the farm around 10am and then the fun began. Brendan and Maggie came in their jammies, which were absolutely adorable, and they were both excited to see the big horse by the tree. Everyone got amazing gifts and we had lots of fun watching the kids open their gifts. Zane got a music play/activity table which will be perfect for him when he is sitting and then when he starts to cruise around stuff he can stand up by it and play with it as well, thanks Aunt Abbey we love it. We got Zane some soft blocks, a shape sorter, a soft book, pjs, and just some little toys for his stocking.

After gift opening Grandpa Dotter came over for a late lunch. In the afternoon we all just chilled and watched the kids enjoy their new presents. Brendan played his new Mario galaxy game and his new winter Olympic game on the wii, which was highly entertaining. Maggie loved all her new play food and baby dolls. It was great to have time with the kids and time to relax at the farm. All and all Zane had a fantastic first Christmas. It was great to spend this Christmas with family, it was hard without Dad their but we carried on and found joy in the day none the less.

Dec. 29: Defining Moment

December 29 – Defining Moment Describe a defining moment or series of events that has affected your life this year.

My mom and dad use to talk about their lives as a road that took twists and turns over the years as major events or 'defining moments' took place. I remember listening to them talk about this as a child and not being able to relate to this idea at all, since my road had yet to take any major twists and turns. Over the past few years there have been some major events, getting married, moving to Missouri, graduating nursing school, getting a job, but most of these turns were for the better. 

This year has been a series of defining moments, twists and turns in my life road, taking me places I never dreamed I would go and places I had never wanted to go. The year started with us contemplating the responsibilities of parenthood. The birth of our first baby was of course a huge defining moment, a sharp turn in the road of life towards parenthood. It was a short lived joyous moment quickly followed by a huge defining moment.

The day that Zane was diagnosed I truly did not expect bad news. Looking back at it I think that my Grandfather, who is a doctor, had warned my parents that it could be much worse, but no one, including the doctors, warned us of what could lie ahead. I remember vividly sitting in the exam room after Zane's first echo/ekg wondering what could possibly be taking so long. The moment that Dr. Murphy walked in the room with a diagram of a heart, I knew it wasn't going to be the news I had expected. That day, in that tiny room, Zach, Zane, and I all experienced a huge defining moment in our lives. It was devastating and my road of life took a turn that no one had expected. As time has passed I realized that Zane's condition really should have been diagnosed in utero. I go back and forth on whether this would have made a difference. I have settled on that it really wouldn't have changed anything, but it would have been nice to be warned about the sharp turn ahead.

Of course the other large defining moment was the loss of my father. That day also is burned in my memory forever. I was sitting down to blog, while Zane played in his gym, when my brother called me hysterically crying. Of course I didn't think it could possibly be real initially, but once I realized it was 8:30 and Dad wasn't at school, in my heart I knew something was wrong. The day unfolded in slow motion and the moment that our worst fears were confirmed life took a huge twist and turn to a place that has left me heartbroken and confused. Any time one loses a parent it is a defining moment, however I never thought I would be dealing with that moment at 27 years old. It literally changes every single thing I had envisioned in my future. I feel like everyday I think of another thing that will be completely different now that Dad is gone.

Needless to say I now understand, so much more clearly, what mom and dad meant by the turns in their life's road. My road is much less straight now and I am hoping that at some point I will be stronger for it.

Dec. 24: Everything's Ok

December 24 Prompt – Everything’s OK What was the best moment that could serve as proof that everything is going to be alright? And how will you incorporate that discovery into the year ahead?

I am not sure that I am totally at a point where I feel that everything is going to be alright. I know, rationally, that everything is going to be alright, but I am still working on adjusting to my families new reality. It isn't easy and I haven't reached the "everything is alright" moment in that reguard. However, as far as Zane is concerned I do feel like we have gotten to the place where we feel that everything is alright.

The day that Zane's dressings came off and he was happy and playing was the day that I felt a huge weight begin to be lifted from my shoulders. The day this picture was taken he was actually still pretty crabby but it was around this time that he started to come back into his own. It was about 2 and half weeks post op before I started to feel like everything was going to be alright. Now it all seems like a distant memory that I am trying hard to forget, until someone asks how is heart is or how he is recovering. Seeing his scar healed and him be back to normal so quickly after such a huge surgery is an absolute miracle.

Dec. 22: Travel

December 22 – Travel How did you travel in 2010? How and/or where would you like to travel next year?

I did not travel enough this year. I start to get the itch if I don't get out of the state for a while. I only went to Oklahoma 4 times this year ( including our most recent trip home for Christmas), which is really hard for me to believe and is a huge regret I have. I was pregnant and didn't want to make the 8 hour drive or fly while I felt so crummy. I wish I would have gone home more and spent more time with Dad, though he did get to come visit me quite a few times this past year.

Next year I am hoping to make it home more, though it has become much more difficult with Zane. We already have plan tickets for a trip home in January for Brendan's birthday. The bigger trip that I have planned is with my mother this upcoming summer. We are going to make a quick trip to Nova Scotia to go Whale watching. We have talked about it for a long time and this summer is the time. We have started the planning/saving, it should be a blast!

Christmas Eve 2010

* I actually wrote this on Christmas Eve but due to some technical difficulties with getting my pictures on mom's computer I couldn't finish it until today.

After a long drive, late into the night on Thursday, The Korenak Clan rolled into the farm. Zane did amazing during the car ride. He freaked out, ever so briefly, about an hour and half into our journey and I got a little scared, but shortly after that he fell asleep and slept the rest of drive. The minor detail that Zach and I forgot to take into account was that Zane would be sleeping the same amount but Zach and I would be going to sleep at 1:30am. This meant that Zach and I maybe got 3-4 hours of sleep Thursday, as Zane was up bright and early on Christmas Eve. 

Christmas Eve at the farm was rather uneventful. Able, Mom, Zach and I sat around playing with Zane, eating, sleeping, wrapping presents, and visiting. I was feeling slightly under the weather so I took it pretty easy and didn't do much. Zane had fun playing on the "bucky" horse that Grandma B had gotten for the grandkids, it was hysterical. He also had tons of fun playing in the saucer the the Hladiks had to generously lent to us for the weekend, thanks Hladiks! We all got dressed up and headed to mass at Bison. It wasn't too late so Zane actually did really well. Mass at Bison was difficult without Dad being there, but the music was beautiful and it was good to see all our friends from church. Zane of course was a big hit, everyone was so happy to see that he was doing so well and were amazed at how big and healthy he was. 

Zane was to excited to sleep when we got home so he stayed up until 10pm. I was told that if I could just get him to stay up until 10 he would sleep until 7am, this was, of course, was not the case. Zane headed to bed in his adorable Christmas jammies, while I went to sleep hoping to feel better on Christmas.

Ten on Tuesday

1. Zane, Mom, and I made the long journey back to STL yesterday, with the hopes of Mom watching Zane while I was at work today. However, around Springfield Mom started to feel a little queasy and by bedtime she felt miserable. So I was home today nursing her and Zane, who was up a lot last night and just isn't his totally perky self today. I'm hoping he is just feeling a little bad and not going down hill. 

2. I do plan on blogging about all our Christmas happening in Oklahoma and doing some more reverb prompts but the outside world disappears when you are on the farm, especially technology ( I haven't watched TV in days) so I will catch up over the next couple days, but I will just give you a few highlights today.

3. It was a good Christmas, though kind of strange, I felt like I was constantly looking for Dad.

4. It was great to see old friends from OK. We saw the Hladiks at mass and they came over to visit on Sunday. Emily and Kyser also came by for a play date which was really nice. The boys are basically the same size, though they couldn't look more different.

5. Our Christmas Minute to Win It extravaganza was a big hit! Tons of fun, though possibly too many challenges. We are thinking less challenges next year so we can have even bigger and better prizes. Prizes this year included: Laffy taffy, chili seasoning, big chocolate bars, Christmas ornaments, your choice of soy sauce or worchestershire sauce, jelly beans, slide whistles, kazoos, goo goo clusters, pickled beets, and the grand prize being your choice of tamac from Dad's massive tamac collection. Below are pictures of: Mom doing the snow ball transfer, Brent and Brendan doing the tiny present transfer/stack, and Katie and Able doing the Christmas conveyor belt.

6. It was great to see Brendan and Maggie. They both have gotten so big and have such fun little personalities. Hope they are feeling better today, both were pretty sick yesterday, hugs and kisses guys!

7. The ride back yesterday didn't go as smoothly as the ride home. This could be due to the fact that Zane was awake for most of it. As I suspected it took 10 hours to get back to the STL and it only took us 8.5 to get home. Flying is looking better all the time.

8. I called the ball on Zane officially being able to sit up on Christmas morning. He is still a little wobbly but can sit for long periods without toppling over. It is basically the cutest thing in the world and he got new toys for Christmas that are perfect to play with while sitting.

9. Zane also has been eating a lot more food over the past week. He really should be moving up to the next level of baby food but I figured we could finish what we have first. I'm glad he has become such a good little eater, finally.

10. How cute is this baby bow tie that Abbey got Zane for Christmas. Way too adorable!!!!! The velvet classy PJs were thanks to Able. I love that it not only has a pocket on the front but also has a V-neck that shows off his manly scar.

Dec. 21: Future Self

December 21 – Future Self. Imagine yourself five years from now. What advice would you give your current self for the year ahead? (Bonus: Write a note to yourself 10 years ago. What would you tell your younger self?) (Author: Jenny Blake)

I cannot begin to imagine myself five years from now. So much has changed over the past year that it is hard to imagine myself in 6 months let a lone five years. This is something that I try to picture from time to time, where will we be living, what school will Zane go to, how many kids will we have, and how will I adjust to five years without my Dad.

In a dream world I would be able to stay at home with our kids and Zach would have a job where he actually gets paid what an electrical engineer should get paid. I would love to be a stay at home mom, possibly working part time or PRN. I honestly have no idea where we will be living. We go back and forth on that and no matter what we decide it is not fair for one of our families. In the end we will need to figure out what is the best decision for our family. Who knows??

The advice I would give myself for the year ahead is to stay focused on the positive, count the blessing that I do have instead of thinking about my misfortunes, and give myself time to mourn/heal, don't rush this because I know it is going to take some time and that is ok.

Now for a note to myself ten years ago. This is a tough one and something that I have thought about a lot over the past, probably 5 years or so.

I would tell my younger self a lot of things. Starting with the realization that I don't really want to be a doctor. If I had known this 10 years ago and I cannot express the amount of heartache I would have saved myself. This would have allowed me actually having fun in college instead of literally spending 5 hours in the library basically every day. I didn't make a ton of friends or do the normal "college" things because that wasn't what was important to me. Getting into medical school was all that mattered to me from the time I was in about the 5th grade until I took the MCAT and failed it, hard. My entire identity was wrapped up in this one goal for about a decade and it is one of my biggest regrets, so I reallly wish I could have told myself that, though I know that I wouldn't have listened.

Secondly, I would tell myself to spend more time with my family. I would tell myself to tell everyone I love what they mean to me every chance I get. I wouldn't say I was/am bad at this, but I have lost quite a few people who are very close to me over the past 10 years and I feel like there were some things I wish I would have said to my Grandma Dotter and my Dad before they died.

Mainly I would just tell myself that it was going to be a rough road ahead, but to stay strong in my faith, surround myself with positive people, and don't waste time with people who don't raise me up and support me. Oh and always return phone calls, even if you are exhausted from a long day at work, call your Dad back, you might not get another chance ( HUGE regret, tear).

Ten on Tuesday Christmas Edition

I thought since it is Christmas week I would do a Ten on Tuesday reflecting back on the Christmas traditions from my childhood and thinking ahead to future traditions as well. I have been thinking about this a lot as of late, so I wanted to jot down some of my favorite memories/traditions. This may lead to a long Ten on Tuesday, sorry.

1. Christmas Eve: On Christmas Eve growing up we would go to my Grandma Blakley's house in the late afternoon to have Christmas with her and Uncle David before going to Christmas Eve mass. We would eat dinner and open a few presents. Uncle David always got us chocolate covered cherries, well that is until I told him I didn't like those and requested Reese's peanut butter cups. Grandma always got us something little and one of the bank envelopes with a little Christmas cash. Always exciting as a child. After this celebration we would head back "across the creek" (we lived 1/4 mile from our Grandma, separated by a creek) and everyone would get ready for mass. This was a small challenge, 5 people getting ready in a house with one bathroom. Before heading out for mass there was always family photos in front of the Christmas Tree.

2. Christmas Tree: Growing up we always had real Christmas trees, generally cut from one of our farms. Since both of my parents were teachers we never got around to getting a tree up until they were on break, so maybe a couple days before Christmas. Dad also may have had a few problems with getting motivated to go cut the tree down, but I have wonderful memories of going to pick out a tree with Dad. Once we got it into the house it was decorated with ornaments that we collected throughout our lives, a lot of them one's we had made at school. Once the tree was up it was officially Christmas. I love the smell of a fresh Christmas tree.

3. Santa: Recently Zach and I have been discussing the differences in our Santa traditions and trying to decide how we want Santa to work in our family. Growing up I'm not sure that I every fully believed in Santa, it wasn't a sad thing, it just wasn't that big of a deal. As I recall it, correct me if I am wrong Mom, Santa only brought us the gifts in our stockings. Our stocking weren't very big so this didn't include a lot of gifts. Mom also didn't go to extremes to keep it a big secret either. When we got home from mass we were promptly encouraged to head to bed. Keep in mind I grew up in a 100yr. old house so you couldn't sneak around. As soon as we were in our rooms we would immediately hear Mom stuffing our stockings. Admittedly I would "go to the bathroom" during the night and check out what Santa had brought. Mom would often forget about the stockings all together which would lead to hysterically random stocking stuffer i.e. soap, fire crackers left over from the 4th of July, and most famously Able's glow in the dark yo yo he got every year.

4. Presents: We never had hugely expensive, show stopper gifts, like gaming systems or barbie dream homes, but we always had plenty of wonderful presents. Some of my favorite presents were my stuffed panda bear, which I so originally named Christmas Bear,  my pink stethoscope that my Grandpa Dotter got me, it was the real deal and was exactly what I needed for my doll/bear hospital I was running, and the year I got a basketball. We opened presents one at time so we could all enjoy each other's gifts and it made Christmas morning last just a little bit longer. Some times Mom would throw in a present scavenger hunt, which I was always terrible at, but I think this was a tradition from her childhood that she was trying to keep alive. ( the gifts were always in the attic, why didn't I just go there first?) There was a time, when Grandma Dotter was a live, when we saved wrapping paper, purely because Grandma Dotter guilted us into it, I think. That also made Christmas morning last longer and Dad's pocket knife got a lot of use. Dad being ultimately cheap, loved this!

5. Christmas Morning: Christmas mornings as a child and young adult are some of my most treasured memories. The whole family was together, the house was full of laughter, love, and pure joy. We  generally woke up pretty early and started in on the stocking first and then opened presents. After the gifts were opened there was hours of fun playing with our new toys, trying on our new clothes, and soaking in the pure happiness of Christmas morning. Usually on the afternoon of Christmas we would head to Grandma and Grandpa Dotter's house for a late Christmas lunch. This wasn't a big Dotter holiday so it was usually was a small get together.

6. Food: We didn't have a traditional breakfast that we ate every year, but it was always tasty. Little smokies, pancakes, biscuits and gravy, and cream chip beef on toast were just some of the high lights. When we were older it started to include staples such as the cheese ball, white chocolate covered oreos, and an assortment of delicious desserts. At Grandma and Grandpa Dotter's there was the ever presents "dessert table." This was the table were Grandma put all the goodies that Grandpa Dotter's patients would bring him as Christmas gifts. Mom now has the dessert table at her house and it is being put to great use.

7. More Recent Christmas: As we got older traditions changed. One of the first ones to change were the stocking stuffers. One Christmas Mom was sick, as she usually got around Christmas program time when she taught, so she told us that we would need to buy each other stocking stuffers. That lasted for a few year and was very entertaining. When we were all moved out in and in college Christmas just became more special. It was a few days when we were all together again. It was rare to have all of us in the same place, so we treasured this time together. In the most recent years the Christmas gathering were held on days other than Christmas due to scheduling conflicts, but the time together was just as precious.

8. Christmas lights: We had amazing lights on the old farm house. Able risked life and limb to put them up all the many peaks and across the front of the house. There was a big star on the roof, we had lights lining the walk way, and even decorated a Christmas tree that was growing on the creek bank. We lived in the middle of no where so we were the only ones to really get to enjoy this, but it was so beautiful.

9. Snow: I only really remember one "white" Christmas in OK. I'm sure there were more, but the year I remember was the year I got my basketball and wanted to go play some B-ball but it was too snowy. I know it was a white Christmas last year in OK and here, but it was all over shadowed by my Grandma dying on Christmas day. Not a great last Christmas for Dad :(

10. New Traditions: Now that I have a child of my own I have been putting some thought into the Christmas traditions I want to start for my family. Here are a few of the things I have thought of so far:

• I am going to get each of my kids a stockings with their name on it. I have Zane's and I love it.
• We are going to give away older toys/toys they have out grown to less fortunate children. We are greatly blessed and I want my children to learn to give back. This is also a great way to make room for new toys.
• In the same vain I want to get and 'angel' like they have trees at church and let the kids shop for them.
• I want to have a Christmas breakfast that we eat each year. I'm thinking Santa shaped pancakes, but really have decided on that yet. Zach does make a mean Santa pancake though.
• We are still up in the air on what gifts are going to be from Santa and which ones will be from us. I don't want to give Santa all my glory, but I think Zach grew up with all his presents being from Santa. I'm sure we will reach a compromise some how.

The main thing is that we get to see our family and spend time together. I'm so excited that we get to spend Zane's first Christmas with my family in OK. It is going to very difficult without Dad, but it will be great spend time with my family. Hope everyone has a very Merry Christmas!!!!

Dec. 19: Healing

December 19 – Healing. What healed you this year? Was it sudden, or a drip-by-drip evolution? How would you like to be healed in 2011? (Author: Leonie Allan)


Healing hmmm... this is an interesting question. I don't want to say that I haven't healed at all this year, because I know that on some level I have, but when looking at the year as a whole I feel like I was broken more than healed.

I do feel that the heartbreak, both Zane's and my own, is starting heal now that the surgery is over and Zane's recovery has gone so well. It was a rough chapter in our life and one that will never fuller be over, since Zane will always have a heart condition, need frequent check ups, and at some point will need another surgery in the future. However, for now the worst is behind us and we can move forward and count our blessings that we live some where that his heart could be "easily" fixed and he can go about leading a normal life.

I know the healing process has begun for my broken heart at the loss of my father, however it is no where near over. Daily something will hit me and I will cry at the thought of what I miss about him. It is a heartache like none I have experienced before. I have no idea how to go about healing it. For now I live one day at a time. I treasure the joys of my life, my wonderful baby, husband, family, and friends. I try to live each day in a way that would make my father proud. Part of my healing is forgiving myself for the things that I regret doing/not doing as far as my father is concerned. I haven't gotten completely to that point, but I am working towards it. I don't know how you get past such a large loss. I think there will always be something missing in my heart, but I know it will get better. I am not trying to rush healing. I am trying to mourn, remember, and in time I am sure things will get easier. I wish there was some sort of play book of how to heal from this loss but sadly we all have to deal with it the best we can. Next year I pray that I continue to heal and continue to find a way to be happy, that was all dad ever wanted for his family. I pray for happiness for all of us in the year ahead.

6 month update

Zane is 6 months old today! Iam happy to say last month was the most uneventful of Zane's short life. Nothing too exciting, but he did have quite a few firsts. His first Thanksgiving, his first snow, his first Christmas celebration, his first month without a cardiology appointment, his first day back to day care after his surgery, and tons of other fun adventures. Sadly he actually is suffering from his first little baby cold right now. He has a little cough, slightly congested, and occasionally gags on snot or works himself up until he vomits, pretty sad. But he seems to be happy through it all.

Zane has come up with some new fun faces over the past month. The lip suck in, which is adorable and the talking out of one side of his mouth, which makes me think that he has had stroke. Zach assures me that he would have other symptoms besides a crooked smile, but I am not sure. Of course he still has the classic giggly boy smiling face, which is our favorite. Other wise he looks the same to me, only much bigger and with longer hair. Mainly he is a lot taller. He now wears 9-12 month clothes. This has led to a few problems. The main problem being that apparently 1 year old kids don't want to wear footy pjs (which I know isn't true because my almost 4 year old nephew won't take his new footy pjs off). I went on a pj hunt last week since all of his 9mn size jammies were too short and there were no 12mn jammies to be found. I even sent my mother out on a hunt and she didn't find any either. I ended up buying some big boy jammies ( the shirt and pants kind) which turned out to be a little big but will have to do. I did order some clearance jammies online which hopefully will work. Also, apparently 12 month old kids don't want to wear onsies but my 6 month old needs to because he likes to pull his shirts ups and plays with his scar/eats the shirt.

Zane is almost able to sit up on his own now. He needs very little support but I definitely wouldn't leave him sitting by himself since he does start to lean/fall to one side after a little bit. He also is doing much better in tummy time, holding his head up for longer, looking in his mirror, and playing with his toys. He is still on first foods, but I am pretty sure the next time we have to buy baby food we are moving it up to the next level. I'm pretty sure we have mastered sweat potatoes, carrots, peas, bananas, squash, green beans, apples, and pears. I say that, but with him currently being under the weather he has not been eating/keeping it down well.

Zane's absolute favorite thing currently and over the past month is playing in his saucer that Aunt Trina gave him. He plays in this like it is his job. He has an absolute blast, there are teething toys, rattles, things that play music, soft toys to chew on, and the pure joy of getting to stand up for hours at a time. It is hours worth of fun, giggles, and smiles. I particularly like this picture of him playing in it while wearing his new cowboy hat that Zach's Aunt sent him for Christmas.

Health wise Zane is doing amazing. His scar is completely healed, though his sternum does feel bumpy and weird, but my sternum would too if it had been cut open and tied together again with surgical bailing wire. You would have no idea that he had major heart surgery two month ago if you didn't know it. We are so blessed to have such a sweet healthy boy! 

We have celebrated Zane's 6mn bday with a weekend visit from Uncle Able. We haven't done much but hangout and play with Zane. We tried to go eat at a fantastic fried chicken place but Zane slightly lost his mind, what with not feel well. Today we are headed to the big Korenak Christmas at Aunt Julie's and Uncle Val's. This will be the first time that most of the Korenak extended family will be meeting Mr. Zane, I'm sure they will love him! 

Dec. 17: Lesson Learned

December 17 – Lesson Learned What was the best thing you learned about yourself this past year? And how will you apply that lesson going forward? (Author: Tara Weaver)


The lesson that I think I am still in the midst of learning is that God's plan isn't always what you expect or what you want. I firmly believe that God doesn't make mistakes. So the argument that my Dad shouldn't have died or Zane shouldn't have had a heart condition is null and void. I don't know why either of those things happened and I have yet to figure out what lessons I am suppose to learn from each horrible situation, but I know that God has a plan for my life. The challenges that I am faced with now will prepare me for what I will face in the future. The challenges that Zane has gone through will make him stronger for what lies ahead in his life. Maybe I don't think Dad had a long enough life, but obviously he had done what he needed to do here on earth so he went to be with God. Believing this doesn't make the heartbreak go away, but it makes it a little easier to handle. I find comfort knowing that Dad is watching over me from above.

Dec. 16: Friendship

December 16 – Friendship How has a friend changed you or your perspective on the world this year? Was this change gradual, or a sudden burst? (Author: Martha Mihalick)

One friendship that really has meant a lot to me this year, and for the past 15 years, is my dear friend Emily. We met in 5th grade. I remember that we met next to the ball bin at recess, pretty sure I asked her if she wanted to play outside, she said sure, and we have been BFF ever since. She was the one friend I had in high school that didn't turn out to be a crazy person, hence why she is the only person from my high school class that I still talk to, 9 years later.

She is the kind of friend that you don't have to talk to often to stay close to. In college we rarely talked but when I got engaged I knew she needed to be standing with me at my wedding. A year later when she got married I was there for her, in an incredibly hot pink dress I might add. This past year we went through pregnancy together, ending with us having baby boys two days apart. We had hopes of talking about the joys of motherhood after they were born. Instead she sent me constant prayers, text messages, emails, and calls reassuring that I could do this and that everything would be ok.

When Dad died I was shocked at how important Emily's presence was to me during those early days in Oklahoma. She was the one person other than my family who had been with me the longest. She loved my Dad like her own and Dad loved her like a daughter. She was strong for me at the funeral and visitation through her heartbreak. She is my second sister, who I rarely see, but who I adore. Thanks for everything Em! Love you and your little boy! Hope to see you when I'm in OK next week.

Her friendship over this past year has changed my "world view" by reinforcing the importance of staying in contact and nurturing the few true friends you meet in your life. I am not the best at maintaining friendships. I am lazy and when I have been out of touch with someone for a while a assume they don't want to talk to me or they wouldn't remember me after time has passed. So next year I am going to try to be better at staying in touch with those friends who aren't near to me and doing more with those that are close by.

Dec. 15: Five minutes

December 15 – 5 Minutes Imagine you will completely lose your memory of 2010 in five minutes. Set an alarm for five minutes and capture the things you most want to remember about 2010. (Author: Patti Digh)


This reminds me of my nephew Brendan constantly saying he will do things "in five minutes" in the cutest little voice, with no idea of how long five minutes really is.

I couldn't capture all that I want to remember in five minutes because there are tons of wonderful memories from this past year that I will cherish forever. Of course I have loved getting to know Zane, seeing his first smile, hearing his little giggles, and my favorite part of everyday when I go to get him out of his crib and he greets me with complete joy. I want to remember everything about my first six months of motherhood, even the difficult parts which have made us stronger and have healed our little man.

One of my favorite memories was the weekend I went to OK to watch Able run his marathon and go to my baby shower. It was the last time I was in OK before Dad died. The whole family was together, cheering Able on, as he accomplished something amazing. We were all so proud of him and had a blast following him around Oklahoma City, seeing him for only brief moments, but it was very exciting. My baby shower was a great get together of my dear friends, celebrating my perfect little boy. It was a brief period in time which all was right with the world and I was surrounded by friends and family  I rarely get to see. The entire weekend ended with Dad getting very emotional, telling me how sad he was that he wasn't going to get to see Zane grow up and how he wasn't going to be around to get to know him. This, of course infuriated me at the time, but haunts me now. What did he know that we didn't?

The few memories I have of Dad with Zane I will treasure forever. They were short and Zane was very little/sleepy, but I am glad Dad at least got see my little guy. Dad was there the day Zane was diagnosed and a memory that is burned into my brain was when I walked into the house when we got home from the cardiologist. Dad walked upstairs from the basement, where he and Mom had been hanging curtains while we were gone, and he knew without me saying a word that it wasn't the news we had been hoping for. Dad took me in his arms and I fell apart, going from the mother being strong for her son, to the daughter whose Dad was being strong for her. I cried while he hugged me for a long time and was so grateful Mom and Dad were there for me that day. Not a really happy memory, but one of the last with my Dad.

There are so many more great times. All the visits with my family, the fun things Zach and I did together before we had Zane, bringing Zane home from the hospital after his heart surgery, feeling the huge weight lifted from our shoulders after we were confident he had recovered well, and so many more wonderful experiences that have filled this year. The difficult times, have at moments, over shadowed the joy but I try to focus on how richly blessed I have been over the past year as well.

Dec. 14: Appreciate

December 14 – Appreciate What’s the one thing you have come to appreciate most in the past year? How do you express gratitude for it? (Author: Victoria Klein)

So I didn't like day 12 or 13's prompts. I have no idea when I felt most integrated in my body and I have no plans of action for my future (which probably isn't good, but is the truth), so I am moving on to day 14's prompt which I love.

This is a very easy question to answer, I most appreciate my amazing husband Zach. I adore him and literally would have had a complete breakdown, months upon months ago, if not for this wonderfully loving and patient man. Through the entire pregnancy Zach was amazing. He cooked, he cleaned, he listened to me complain, he babied me when I needed it, and told me I could make it through this, just focus on our precious baby. When my water broke he did have an ever so brief moment of panic where he ran around the house, literally in circles doing nothing, complete with a phone call to the nurse informing her that HIS water had broken. But he pulled it together by the time we got in the car and was a pillar of strength through the rest of that eventful day. 

After Zane was born Zach and I were thrown the biggest challenges of our lives, not to mention our short 4 year marriage. There were times when we both thought we couldn't handle anymore, but we grew closer and stronger through the struggles instead of apart. Zach was my rock during the first days of shock over Zane's diagnosis, even though I know he was heart broken himself. He rarely let his sadness show because he was being strong for our family. We made it through surgery time with flying colors thanks to the strength of our amazing marriage.

No one ever wants to have to be the one to tell their spouse that their father has died unexpectedly, but Zach did this with grace and I would not have wanted to hear the news from anyone else. Dad died on his birthday, which I hate, but Zach was amazing and strong for everyone. He went and picked up mom, which could not have been an easy assignment, but he knew I was in no state to be driving. He stood quietly by my side, let me cry, held me a little closer, and was literally what kept me standing through those difficult days. Zach still is helping me through the mourning and healing process, it is long and no fun, but Zach has been extremely patient with me through it all. He lets me cry and tries to find the right words to say, though I know he is unsure of what will help. Dad adored Zach and I am so happy he got to see settled and happy with such a great man.

Thank you Zach for everything, I could not appreciate you more.You are a fantastic dad to our little man, we love you so much! I am truly blessed!

Ten on Tuesday

1. Zane randomly throws up now, starting to get a little concerned. This isn't a little vomit, this is borderline projectile/exorcist vomit. This has been very traumatizing to Zach and I but Zane doesn't seem to care at all. He goes on with life as usual  after vomiting, so strange. Possibly need to take him into the doctor tomorrow.

2. Zane loves his daddy's glow worm. When he was born I thought he looked just like a little glow worm. I wanted to get him one of his own for Christmas but the new ones aren't as cute and much smaller so we took Zach's childhood glow worm home with his from Grammi's after Zane LOVED playing with it this weekend.

3. It is absolutely FREEZING here. Yesterday when I woke up it was 4 degrees outside. That is just out of hand. There is also snow on the ground here from this weekend, so it is very beautiful, but way too cold.

4. As mentioned in the Christmas post yesterday, Zane has out grown all of his clothes. All of his jammies are way too short and most of his onsies are getting that way as well. So tomorrow Zane and I will head to Once Upon a Child to get some new, cheap clothes. How can he be so big already?

5. I am sad that we aren't getting very many Christmas cards this year. I get it, because they are pretty expensive, not to mention the stamps, which cost me more than my cards. I love getting cards though, it brightens my day.

6. Work today was a bit of a struggle. 90% of the time I am fine with the fact that I couldn't be a doctor. I know I wouldn't have this wonderful life and my beautiful baby if I had gone down that path. However, on days like today when doctors undermine me, treat me awful, and just generally don't do what I think is best for my patients, it is a tough pill to swallow. Usually you would say "Oh I could totally do your job and better than you." But a) In no way do I think I could have ever been a neurosurgeon and b) I literally couldn't do their job, that was proven. So rough day!

7. Zane apparently decided not to nap today at day care. I guess him and his buddy decided to party instead. That made for a crabby baby for Daddy this evening. He was super cuddly and sleepy for me yesterday, hope that repeats tomorrow.

8. Diapers.com update: So after the two previous formula orders being a surprise gift ( pull ups and a thermos sippy cup, respectively) today we got our third order and sadly it was just the box of formula. I was looking forward to my diapers.com surprise. But in good news we were almost out of formula so great timing.

9. This video should help get you in the Christmas spirit!

10. I need to get stocking stuffers for Zane. I know technically I don't, but I don't want to mess up Santa. I got him a stocking from Pottery Barn Kids and it is huge, which I might regret when he gets older, but it is super cute.

Korenak Christmas

This past weekend Zach, Zane and I headed South for Christmas with Zach's family. This was Zane's first go around at Christmas and he got tons of wonderful presents that he loves. We opened Christmas presents after lunch on Saturday with the whole family. The presents Zach and I got our niece and nephews had to be saved for Christmas because they would give away what their big gift of the year is, but they had plenty of presents to open from Grammi and Pappa.

Zane had not slept much all morning and finally gave into a nap right as the gift giving got under way, but Zach and I opened his gifts for him while he rested. He got his much anticipated worm quilt, that Grammi had been working on all year. It is adorable and so much fun. He also got puzzles, books, tub toys, a pull toy, a top, a stacker and many more toys he will be able to enjoy for years to come. We really need to get working on the storage shelves downstairs so we have some where to put his haul. Zach and I also loved all of our gifts, Thanks for everything it was wonderful.

The rest of the weekend was filled with family fun as we played with our niece and nephews, cuddled with Zane, caught up with everyone, and of course had tons of tasty food. All of Zane's cousins had fun playing and holding hims, which was absolutely precious. Levi, who is 18 months old, spent most of his time finding ways to get to the advent calendar and eat the M&Ms in each slot. By Sunday pretty much all the of the M&Ms had been stolen by little fingers, that is 25 days with 4 M&Ms in each pocket, leading to the calendar being moved to higher ground. There was a lot of talk about Santa and who was on what list. Adeline was very matter of fact about being on the naughty list, she didn't seem all that concerned about it, but said she was trying to be nicer in hopes of making the nice list. Very funny stuff. On Saturday they all received personal emails from Santa with their very own message, which of course was very exciting.

Zane wore his new Christmas outfit to church which was a disappointment. It was a 6-9 month size shirt/sweater vest combo with pants. The pants were too short, the vest too big, and the long sleeve button up shirt just right. I also impulse bought some shoes to match, the left shoe fit but the right shoe didn't fit at all, very strange and disappointing. So if anyone is having a baby boy I have some really cute boy dress shoes up for grabs, never worn :( ( Jamie, does little boy Jones need some new shoes?) The hat that I bought him at Babies R Us also is pretty tight, it is 6-12mn size which I thought would be fine, since I feel Zane has a cute little head, but sadly not so. I will probably squeeze him into it a couple times, but to sum it up my shopping trip was a bust, sigh.  However, everyone at church was very happy to see our smiley, healthy boy, and it was nice to be able to thank everyone for their continued prayers and support.

Sunday the weather got very blustery with the weather people calling for snow so we headed out earlier than we had planned, but a great time was had by all. The drive back was very windy and we had a a few inches of snow when we got home but we missed the "big storm" everyone had talked about. We got home early enough to put away all our new gifts, build a fire, and get some snuggles in before the crazy work week gets started. It was a wonderful Christmas, we can't wait for the next one in Oklahoma!

Dec. 11 : Things

December 11 – 11 Things What are 11 things your life doesn’t need in 2011? How will you go about eliminating them? How will getting rid of these 11 things change your life? (Author

Things my life doesn't need next year....hmm. I am hoping for a very very uneventful year. Normal things, baby learning to crawl, walk, talk, eat more foods, and fun stuff like that.

1. Projectile vomit - Zane threw up more than anyone I have ever seen, projectiley, this evening so I am making this a goal.

2. Clutter in my house, time to simplify. When the house gets cluttered I get stressed.

3. Stress - nothing stressful, get it out of my life.

4. Clothes that don't fit- the skinny clothes don't motivate me they make me feel bad about myself, so to Good Will with them.

5. Weight - I have a lot to get rid of

6. Our broken air conditioner - I don't think we need a completely knew one but it needs to work before summer

7. Sleepless nights - come on Zane you can sleep through the night, I know it!

8. Squirrels - hate them

9. The broken chairs in my basement - there are two that are being held together with twine, why are we keeping these?? They have to go!

10. Regret - I have been thinking about the regrets I have since Dad died, I should let that go.

11. Guilt - Whether it be Mommy guilt that I don't get to spend more time with Zane, family guilt that I am far away from home, or guilt dealing with things I wish I would have done differently.

Dec. 10: Wisdom

December 10 – Wisdom. What was the wisest decision you made this year, and how did it play out?

I don't really know a specific wise decision that I made, but a piece of wisdom that I was told has been my mantra over the past few months. That word of wisdom was " Live in the truth of what you know." I don't remember who told me this or if I came up with it after many people told me that, but in more words. This piece of wisdom is what I go back to again and again when I start to play the "what if" game in my head, this is a deadly game and most be avoided at all cost if you ever want to move forward after devastating events. The same can be said for the "why" game, why me, why now, why my baby, why my family. This will get you no where but more depressed.

So when I would start to think about why Zane's heart condition hadn't been diagnosed in utero or what if I had known sooner, what if it was something I did that caused it, what if Mom had been at home with Dad, what if Able had stayed the night with Dad, what if Dad had come here with mom ect ect, I would go back to these words of wisdom and center myself back in the moment, back in reality, and back in the truth.

You can't ask yourself questions for which there are no answers. To quote Dad "why isn't a scientific question." I used that as a tid bit of wisdom as well. I would like to think that staying in the truth as much as possible has led me, through the difficult situations, to make wise decisions. To make the decision to try to be happy, to be present in each moment with my baby instead of dreading what was to come, to praise the Lord for the time with my Dad instead of be mad at Him for all that I will miss. Of course I wasn't always successful in this, but I tried and continue to strive to live in the truth and stay in the light.

Dec. 9: Party

December 9 – Party Prompt: Party. What social gathering rocked your socks off in 2010? Describe the people, music, food, drink, clothes, shenanigans.

My favorite party of the year was Zane's baptism party. There are several reasons I chose this party even though there was a tinge of sadness, what with Zane just being diagnosed and all. This weekend was the last time my whole family was together. After Zane was baptised everyone headed back to our house for a little get together. It was really the first time Zach and I had a party at our new house. It was a great day full of family, fun, food, and loving on my new baby boy. The guys were outside playing bean bags on the new bean bag boards, my nieces and nephews were playing downstairs, and I was getting great comfort from being surrounded by my family. I will treasure that day as it was my last with my father and it marked such an important day in Zane's life.

Dec. 8: Beautifully Different

December 8 – Beautifully Different. Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different – you’ll find they’re what make you beautiful.

Recently I have felt that my life hasn't been lighting up people, but depressing people. I am trying hard to change that, but my life is what it is. However, before all the shenanigans of the past 6 months, I would say what makes me different or beautiful is my sense of humor. I love laughing and making other people laugh. Even during the difficult times of the past months I have laughed a lot, whether it was laughing with my siblings and dear friends the night of my father's funeral or laughing and joking in the Pediatric Cardiac ICU waiting area while my son was recovering from heart surgery. Before my life took a turn for the depressing people would tell me how this love of laughter and sense of humor brightened their day. I look for the joy and happiness in everyday even when sometimes I have to search pretty hard for it.

Overalls

Overalls have a special place in my heart. If Dad was at home he was most likely wearing overalls. Dad's overalls were the white and blue stripped Round House overalls. He did have some of the plane blue ones, but he preferred the stripped version. Most of his overalls were well worn, with many different patches, grease stains, and holes. This is how he liked them, well worn and worked in. Honestly, I rarely remember him ever getting new overalls, though I'm sure he did at times, but some  how they quickly became worn and patched.

When I picture my Dad this is how I picture him, coming in from a long days work, in his Round House overalls. When I arrived at the farm after Dad died the first thing I saw were Dad's overalls hanging in the laundry room, still dirty from the cattle work he had done the day before. I was taken a back with shock that one day he could be wearing overalls and boots, working cattle, and the next day he could be gone. How could that possibly be? Before we all went back home from funeral week we made bean bags, stripes and solids, out of some of his old pairs of overalls. He would have loved that.

Now the reason for the overall rambling. Zane had a pair of tiny baby overalls that he wore this summer. They were light weight, so not too hot for summer. I loved them because they made me think of Dad and I knew Dad would love to see Zane in his little overalls. Zane wore them both times Dad got the chance to see him. Zane grew out of that pair just around the time Dad died. I knew there was a larger pair of overalls in the pants drawer, but after Dad died I couldn't face having Zane wear them.

Recently I decided it was just too cute to pass up and decided it was the day to bust out the adorable overalls and try not to cry. I can't say I didn't cry, but I can say they were adorable. He wore them all day until he finally peed on them, but it warmed my heart. I also bought him a pair of striped overalls at Khols on black Friday. They are unbelievably cute, though still a little big.

 Dad loved little boys in overalls. I still can't believe Dad won't get to know my little man and that Zane won't know my amazing father. It is probably the hardest part of it all. I have great memories of my father and treasure the short time I got to know and learn from him. However, my children will miss out on the wonderful man that was my Dad. I know he is watching over us and I consider him Zane's personal angel so I am sure he loves seeing him in his miniature overalls.

Ten on Tuesday

1. I officially have all my Christmas decorations up, my Christmas cards in the mail, and all but one Christmas gift purchased (Able what do you want for Christmas?). We have yet to put lights on the house which I don't know that we are actually going to get around to this year, but this has to be a record for me. Our first Christmas celebration is this weekend! Hooray!

2. Zach and Zane are both feeling better, though Zach says that his ears are still ringing. I am hoping that his hearing comes back soon because this is leading to some pretty hysterical/frustrating conversations.

3. In amazing news, my friend Rachael is working Christmas and the day after for me so I can go home for Christmas and see Zane on his first Christmas. Her father died shortly after mine, so we are now in that awful club together, but it was the greatest Christmas gift ever. I didn't even ask her, she just offered to do it  for me and I am working New Years Eve for her. What a great friend. Thanks Rachael!!!

4. Zach and I watched Charlie Brown's Christmas tonight. I feel like it was a little early but I love it so we had to watch. My favorite part is when Linus tells Charlie the meaning of Christmas. I watch it every year to get into the Christmas spirit.

5. We are driving home for Christmas and I am starting to get a little worried about the 8 hr. car ride with Zane. Hopefully the 8 hr. trip doesn't turn into a 12 hour trip, scared!

6. Speaking of Zane in the car, Zane is very close to out growing his car seat. He weighted 17.5 lbs at his last appointment and his current car seat goes up to 22 lbs. His little feet are sticking out of the end of it as well. I am dreading the new car seat purchase due to how freakishly expensive it is going to be and how this will mean a change in our going out routine.

7. It is Christmas carol time which means a couple of things. I sing them all day, listen to the Christmas channel in the car, and use them as lullabies at night. Zach busts out his "Christmas voice" which consists of him making his voice go down about 2 octaves lower that it really should be, singing loudly, and a hysterical face goes with it. His recent illness has prevented him from getting the Christmas voice into full effect but I am sure it is coming soon.

8. How about those Sooners!!!! I talked a lot of trash at work Saturday to my friend Julie who is from Nebraska, though she is a SLU Biliken. I was very excited to go to work on Sunday rocking my Sooners shirt after our Big 12 Championship victory. It turned out to be a two for one day because not only was Julie there but the doctor on call was a Nebraska Alum, what a great day! Now I am thoroughly prepared to loose another BCS game to a random team, Sooner style.

9. Zane has recently started to bath without  his bath seat. He is loving it! He kicks and splashes and has a jolly old time. He needs some more toys to push bath time over top.

10. We are also working hard on sitting up. Zane can sit with little assistance or in a pillow "nest" as Zach calls it. He likes to reach for things, i.e. his toes or toys, but often gets distracted by his desire to chew on the pillows. It is a work in progress but we are trying. Here is a picture of him in his "nest" being very serious.