Here's to the Next Decade

Ten years ago this month I found out I was pregnant with Zane. My best friend had come to St. Louis to see the new house that Zach and I had bought ten years ago in September. Zane was the only baby that we had to "try" to get pregnant with, and by "try" I mean I didn't get pregnant until the second month we were trying to get pregnant. It is not lost on me how incredibly blessed we have been in this regard. With this being my first pregnancy I didn't immediately understand that the bloated, nauseated, generally terrible feeling that I was experiencing during the Phantom of the Opera performance was from a pregnancy. The following day I ignorantly took a pregnancy test by myself, while Zach went to pick up our new treadmill for our huge, empty, basement. And thus began our entry into this decade, mid October 2009, crying in the empty basement, of our new house, terrified about our entry into parenthood.






Between October 2009 and January 2010 I threw up more than I had in the past twenty six years of my life. Pregnancy wasn't fun or easy, but we started the decade excited to welcome our first child. I had started my first nursing job in January of 2009 so we had a new house, new jobs, and were about to have a new baby. Everything seemed to be going according to plan. Thinking back on this time I have no idea what I thought the following decade would bring for us. I'm sure I had ideas and hopes for the following ten years, but at some point during those ten years the idyllic version of parenthood and adulthood melted away, one hard decision at a time, and the reality of life set in.








The reality is it feels like I have lived a life time in these past ten years. I have experienced the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. We weelcomed all three of our boys during the past ten years. There is no greater joy than witnessing all the wonderful firsts that come with a new baby. During the past ten years I've spent days worth of time rocking babies to sleep, singing lullabies, most of which either I or my  mother had written, patting tiny bottoms, and praying that somehow time would just stand still. I've cleaned up throw up for days, changed thousands of diapers, wiped away hundreds of tears, kissed booboos, and cuddled sad little boys for hours.






There were years in this past decade that I couldn't remember what it was like to sleep an entire night without being woken up by a screaming baby, toddler, or both. I've taught two humans all their numbers, colors, shapes, animals, and what those animals say. I've taught them how to get dressed, use the bathroom and wipe their own bottoms. I have won numerous toddler stand offs and admitted defeat in others. I've watched every animated movie multiple times. I've read books for hours and now I find myself listening to my boys read books to me. The joys of parenting have been immense, intense, and at times utterly unbelievable. Over this past decade we were in the thick of babyhood. We now find ourselves one potty training battle away from being on the other side of babyhood. I could never have imagined that I could love three little humans, that we created, this much.








 But with the highest highs of the past ten years have come the absolute lowest of lows that we never could have seen coming. Had you given me quick highlight reel of the decade when we were headed into it, I would have never believed you. As a twenty seven year old I buried a parent, an unimaginable loss, that's I've spent the past decade working my way through. It was from this loss, and my deep desire for Zane to never go through the type of pain I was experiencing alone, that I found the bravery to have more children after Zane's diagnosis. You don't ever get over the loss of a parent. It doesn't really get better. It gets different, it gets bearable, but it will never make sense to me, and I will never be over it. I miss my dad everyday. Every big event over the past decade I've mourned the fact that he isn't there. I will never stop wishing he could have met my boys and seen me as a parent. I'm arguably a better parent for having lost a parent, but boy do I wish this didn't have to be a part of my story.  I don't cry everyday, but the loss of a parent isn't a wound that disappears. The loss of a parent is a wound that heals, and in healing you become a different person. Over the past ten years I've come to love the rain and find myself standing outside in it as I try to soak up one of dad's hugs through the rain drops.








 Over the past ten years I've lived every parents worst nightmare as we received a devastating diagnosis that will mean life long medical care for a child. I've lived through two days in waiting rooms while my son's heart wasn't beating.  While surgeons held his heart in their hands and I marveled at the amazing grace I felt surrounded by during those hours. I've been to the bottom and gotten back to the top. I've had to comfort my child when he was scared he was going to die. I've walked a child through the darkest of days and then had the joy of seeing him conquer all his fears. I frequently find myself marveling at the miracle of all my boys being here, for various reasons. These difficult situations have also made me a better parents, but again I'd give anything to not be a part of the heart mom club. I've learned that I can survive anything I might face because I've faced the worst, repeatedly. I've cried enough tears to fill a river. Tears of exhausted, frustration, utter terrors, deep sadness, and everything in between. There were days I did not think I could take another step, but I did, and we  made it.


The past ten years have also held all the crazy stuff in between the highs and the lows. We moved across the country, losing loads of money on the house we couldn't sell in St. Louis. We lived in a rental house where water came flooding in the back door and dripping down onto my sleeping child when it rained. We've been sued by the eventual buyers of our first house. We've lived in five different places and our children now welcome moves and frequently ask when we're moving again. This is never something I pictured being a part of my kids lives, but it happened and we adapted. Our children have needed stitches, have had broken bones, and everything in between. We've had a multitude of fun birthday parties with every theme under the sun. We've had three baptisms and a first communion. I've spent innumerable hours watching little league baseball and have gone from hating it to loving it and actually feeling sad to see the season end. There have been first and last days of school, programs, pinewood derbies, and concerts. It's been a wild ride, but through it all we've been showered will love, support, and friendship beyond our wildest dreams.





So, as of today there are seventy six days left in this decade. I have no idea what the next ten years will bring my way and I've stopped trying to picture it. Part of me wants to say good riddance to this terrible decade and the other part of me is petrified of what things could lie ahead that I can't imagine right now. Ten years from now I will have a nineteen year old, a sixteen year old, and a twelve year old. I will be honest I am not terribly excited about this turn in the road of parenting. We're heading into all school age boys who I dread will stop wanting to talk to me, let alone sit and cuddle me every night. I have big fears that I won't be good at this next phase of parenting. I'm a self proclaimed baby person and I've already found myself saying, "what if I'm bad at parenting older children?" It seems hard and scary, and the stakes are so high. If I have a terrible day with a one year old, they won't remember it. If I do parenting wrong with a ten year old, they will remember it at best or be scarred for life at worst. There childhood experience is going to be so much different than my childhood/school experience and I find that very daunting.




What gives me hope entering a new decade is thinking about what I would say to the scared twenty six year old me, facing this decade. Here is what I wish I could tell her, "You have no idea what is about to come your way, but you WILL survive it, ALL of it. You are stronger than you could ever imagine. Life is going to get unbelievably hard. It will be unimaginable, it will be scary, and sad, and frankly completely unfair. However, you will be surrounded by amazing humans, friends and family that will love you so well and help you get through it all. You will create amazing humans. They will make all these fights and struggles worth it. You are married to an amazing human, remember he's going through all of this with you. You are an amazing human, you can do hard things, with great grace. Remember all these things and keep going. Just keep going. Accept help, accept love, and do all the hard things. Then you will find yourself entering the next decade, stronger, wiser, braver, kinder, and happier than you could have ever dreamed possible while you were in the middle of this difficult journey. Be gentle with yourself. Warrior on!"


Here's to the next ten  years. May we all live to see the start of another decade.

Fall Ball 2019

Fall baseball only lasts about six weeks so it's over before you get in the swing of things. Rowan ended up only  missing a couple games, and two weekend tournaments (which I didn't mind) with his broken arm. He came back in September and never missed a beat. The biggest issue with Rowan's baseball, bedside's Zach and I losing parts of his uniform on a daily basis, is trying to get him to play hard and work hard, even if he's the best kid on the team giving about half effort. This is Rowan's first year in coach pitch and he's done really well with it. It is still pretty brutal to watch the kids get use to this type of batting, but Rowan's done well with it. When he came back he was at the bottom of the batting order for a few games which meant when none of his teammates could hit he only got to hit once a game, but things are getting better. 

 Rowan is great little fielder, but needs to consistently throw hard to his teammates, even if he doesn't think they will be able to catch it. At this particular game he came up to bat while there were fireworks going off in front of him, that was entertaining. Rowan also now is number sixteen just like Zane, since we have completely lost his number twelve jersey. Luckily one of his teammates decided to change numbers so he let us use his extra jersey. We've lost and managed to find his hate at least five times at this point. It's just not right for him to be on the Cubbies, I cannot get on board with it.

 Meanwhile it's been a big year of changes for Zane as well. This was his first season trying his hand at pitching and in true Zane style he worked his tail off and has become a good little pitcher. There were days in the backyard, as he tried to figure out the mechanics of it all, that I thought "why do we need to try to master this new thing?" But he surprised me not only with his ability to pitch, but with his determination to keep working at it until he figured it out. The kid is nothing if not tenacious.



 The downside to kid pitch is I feel like there are not very many balls that are actually hittable. With that being said that also means the kids get used to taking walks. It's better to at least get on base than strike out swinging, potentially at a terrible pitch. However, now Zane is in the habit of not swinging when there are three balls on him. He'll watch a ball come straight down the pipe and strike out looking. Zach's terribly frustrated by this. I am frustrated with the general lack of pitching, but I'm try to be patient with the process.

 This was the game he pitched and was absolutely lights out complete with a three up three down inning and a handful of strike outs, winning him the game ball for the evening. No one works harder than this kid.

 

 I'd be remiss not to mention the other, arguably more important, fall ball taking place which is the Cardinals post season. The Cardinals haven't been to the post season in a few years and forgot just how exciting October baseball can be. This is the first time the Cards have been in the post seasons when the boys were old enough to understand or care. Oh what fun it's been sharing this tradition with my kiddos. On Monday Rowan had baseball practice and Zane had a game, while Zach was out of town. Zane and I dropped of Rowan at his practice then headed to the ball field with the Cardinals game playing on my phone. Zane was watching it while I listened as I drove. Yadi came up with a game winning sacrifice fly, to force the series to a game five. We went crazy in the car, Zane couldn't believe it, and didn't understand why everyone we came in contact with wasn't talking about this exciting end to the Cardinals game. I explained to him that that is what game day in St Louis is like, everyone you come in contact with is talking about the same thing, cheering for the same team, it's really special.

Of course this weekend we had to both represent the Cardinals while also hating Texas, it's easy to do really. This particular night we were all decked out in Cardinals jerseys of various forms. Nothing like Cardinal baseball in October, now if they could just get some hits!! Let's go Cards!





Thatcher at Two and a Half

I feel like I documented Zane and Rowan's milestones and life much better than I have be doing with Thatcher. Thatcher is changing rapidly and I am amazed at how much of his own little person he is compared to his brothers at the same age. So here's a glimpse of Thatcher at just a month over two and a half (how is that possible).


Thatcher continues to be Zane's mini me. Where Rowan was tiny and cuddly, Thatcher is huge and loud. At this age Rowan loved all things construction, the trucks, the tools, Stinky and Dirty books/tv show, any and all things trucks/building. Thatcher, much like Zane, is all about super heroes and costumes. Thatcher's current favorites are Batman and Spiderman. Batman was his number one favorite until Thatcher, dressed as Batman, punched me one to many times one day and the Batman costume, that has made it through numerous boys, ended up in the trash can. No, I didn't get it out and save it for sentimental reasons. There is no sentimental value to the costume that turned my children into an abusive, crazy person. It's gone and weeks later Thatcher will tell you that he can't be Batman because he punched his mommy. I'm not sure he gets that this is a bad thing. He told Zach, "I punched my mommy," very excitedly, the day that this all went down. So who knows. He's moved on to multiple different Spiderman outfits, of varying sizes, that he wears everyday until he eventually is mean to me or his brothers and loses Spiderman costume privileges.

 

This was the last day of the Batman costume. Note the Spiderman light up shoes that completes the superhero look.

Thatcher found this Spiderman outfit at Aunt Abbey's, in her boy's closet. It fits him perfectly so he commandeered it for his own.

 This is the much larger Spiderman option, which doesn't fit him really at all, but with some rolling up of pant legs and sleeves it will work in a pinch. It does come with the cool mask so it is worn frequently as well.

 Here is sick, ear infection, Spiderman sitting next to the Wooden Spiderman poster that his brothers found at a garage sale for their super hero collection in their room.

 Anytime we leave the house it is a battle over the fact that he cannot wear the costumes out of the house. It is still a million degrees outside for one, secondly he loves them and if he wears them out and about they will get torn up. Lastly, and most importantly, he doesn't fit in his car seat in his Spiderman costumes so that's where I draw the line. However, he does frequently wear this Spiderman mask or his Spiderman hat in the car, and Woody often comes along for the ride.

 Yes, one day he found this wooden Spiderman sign from the boys room that came to Target with us, don't judge me I can't fight every battle.

Thatcher occasionally will remember he has a stuffed Spiderman and then he will  have to take it everywhere with him for a day. He quickly forgets this Spiderman exists, but while he's carrying him everywhere Spiderman does get to do fun things like sit front and center at baseball games. Thatcher made him clap and cheers, it was entertaining to the whole crowd, who were struggling through a first year of coach pitch kid's baseball game. 

 

My personal favorite super hero costume we have is this simple cape. Zane got it for his third birthday and we've had it ever since. Thatcher has decided that it is his Buzz Lightyear cape and he signs the Buzz Lightyear theme song, while he runs around, jumping off of stuff, all day. It's for sure my favorite.



The third line of this super hero obsession are Thatcher's Spiderman t-shirts and the newly found Spiderman and Batman pajamas. I distinctly remember not even getting out the super hero t-shirts with Rowan because when he was Thatcher's size (not necessarily his age) Rowan would only wear skinny jeans and fancy shirts. I recently was trying to find winter clothes for Thatcher and came across a treasure trove of 3T-4T fancy shirts and skinny  jeans. Rowan wore these when he was four and five. I gave away  most of the skinny jeans, since I know T doesn't have the body type for those and I'm very skeptical about Thatcher being willing to wear any of the many adorable fancy shirts and pearl snaps that Rowan use to wear. Honestly about 95% of the pictures that I have taken of Thatcher in the past two months he has on either a costume or a Spiderman t-shirt. It's craziness.

This picture was taken this week and Thatcher's face is beginning to change. Do you see it thinning out and turning into more of boy face? This is the absolute WORST. It's still a cute face, don't get me wrong, but it isn't his sweet baby face anymore. 





Of course the super hero obsessions goes beyond his clothing and into him carrying around half a dozen little guys, generally multiple Spiderman and Batmen, the joker, and all sorts of other super hero type guys. He always wants to watch Batman or Superman, specifically the musical episode of Batman from years ago. He knows all the songs and it cracks me up that there is a fully sung through Batman episode in existence. Thatcher also some how manages to find the only Spiderman toys at the child watch and at church and hoards them for himself.

 This is how he looks everyday when I pick him up from child watch. The shark shirt and his shirt with Woody on it are the back ups for when his three Spiderman shirts are being washed.

Recently Thatcher has also started talking up a storm, all day everyday, with all sorts of opinions. This can be adorable, but it can also lead to all sorts of two year old stubborn offs. This kid gives my other two boys a run for their money as far as stubbornness goes. A few weeks ago we had our first full blown stubborn off, go to bed early without dinner, of our nearly ten years of parenting. Thatcher had to take one bite of his food before he could go outside and play with his brothers and he NEVER did. We have a dinosaur stool that has become the time out chair, which he spent a lot of time on this particular evening. Zach and I took shifts sitting with him, taking back and forth between the stool and the table where the food he was refusing to eat was. This went on for multiple hours until we finally just put him to bed. The other two boys never were that dedicated. So to say T has strong opinions would be an understatement. That night was when he officially turned three and that's not a good thing.

Thatcher adores his big brothers, thought isn't always too keen on my cuddling them and he not being involved, which usually leads to me being covered by a pile of boys each evening. I am not complaining. This corner of the couch has been dubbed the cuddle corner, for good reason.



If you ask Thatcher he will tell you that Rowan is his best friend, though he adores Zane as well. He has started calling them by their names instead of Ro Ro and Bo Bo, which is a little sad, but also when he screams their names it's equally adorable.

Here he is putting Rowan to sleep one day. Of course Rowan needed a blanket (Thatcher's favorite thing) and Woody's hat, because why not?





"HEY, ZANE!!!"

Thatcher is currently a big fan of baseball, watching it, playing it, cheering for it, watching it on TV, he is here for it all. Here is helping Zane bring in his baseball bag before a game last week.

 Here we are at Rowan's practice a couple weeks ago. T is quite the little cheer leader, "go Rowan, play baseball!"

 Yes, T has some baseball dreams of his own. Here he is, as Spiderman, taking some batting practice before naps. Yes, his glove is also a Spiderman glove, which Zane got for his third birthday when he was equally as Spiderman obsessed.

 Sometimes I get to have lunch with Spiderman!

 As I mentioned above Thatcher loves music, specifically his Batman musical, but also all other forms of music. The sound track of our life is written and/or performed by Lin Manuel Miranda. There is of course lots of Hamilton, Dear Theodosia is Thatcher's favorite bedtime song, and most requested song to listen to in the car. He can sing most of it in his little two year old voice and I cry every single time. Thatcher also really enjoys Moana and frequently walks through the house singing "make way, make way." T can match pitch amazingly well for a two year old and comes up with his own songs sometimes as well. The other day he tried his hand at playing his cousin Brendan's tuba, which he was surprisingly good at. He also enjoyed dancing to some tuba music, which is a thing I have never done, but T loved it.





 This is the point in previous post about my other children that I would talk about what we are working on learning. All the cool color and shape games we are playing, and the like. Well, I'm not working on anything. Thatcher knows his colors occasionally, usually when he wakes up in the middle of the night to request his mushroom light be a different color. Usually everything is yellow and I think he's just messing with me. He knows a few shapes, sometimes. We have a shape puzzle that we do whenever he finds it and decides he wants to do it. That's the extent of my trying to educate the third child. Speaking as a third child he'll probably be brilliant, I'm not worried about it. I also don't do any fun craft projects or go on any fun outings with Thatcher, but somehow we still have a blast everyday we're together. We go on walks, go to the park, have picnics in the backyard and sometimes I literally push him on the swing, in his Spiderman costume, for a solid hour, and I'm ok with that.



Thatch loves being home by himself and doesn't really miss his brothers when they are at school. If they are gone, for any period of time, he assumes they are at baseball, and a lot of the time he'd be right. T does frequently request to make banana bread or cookies, so I do a fair amount of baking with him, which I did with the other boys a lot too. We read a lot of books, which he is developing more patience for everyday. Our current book favorite include No Hitting, for obvious reasons, and all the How Do Dinosaurs book which I still adore all these years later. He still is taking great naps, some days they turn into small comas during which I wonder what in the world I'll do with my days when he goes to school. He loves going to daycare a couple days a week and always comes home with stories of playing with his friends, taking a nap, and eating snacks.


T's personality is all his own, though much closer to Zane's than Rowans. He's a huge people person, like Zane, saying hi to all the families at every baseball game, talking up people at the gym to tell them all about his Spiderman shirt. Usually these conversations include a string of nonsense syllables before he gets to the point, "this my Spiderman shirt." He doesn't mind being dropped off in new places, with other children he's never met, and always is playing with friends when I pick him up. I see so much of Zane in him, singing songs all day, but also being rough and tumble. He's the sweetest little nugget and as of late he will even let me cuddle him and sing to him at night time and before bed. He's taking the best parts from everyone around him and becoming his own little person. I adore him and am trying hard to savor every joyous moment and brush off all the two year old stubborn offs.


I'm painfully aware of this being my last trip through toddler town, which sometimes makes it more bearable and sometimes it means I have zero patience. I am also painfully aware that the number of times a little boy will fall asleep with his head on my shoulder are also numbered. This breaks my heart into a million pieces. It's like knowing that your absolute favorite thing in the world will cease to exist soon and there will be no way to replicate it. Sure I can put strangers children to sleep at work, but it's not the same. I didn't create those sweet souls, it's just not the same when it's not your baby. So I take a lot of pictures with Thatcher laying on my shoulder, and have since he was born. It remains miraculous every time it happens. I will miss this age so much, but I remained amazed at the fact that we got to have this sweet boy. As the beginning of the song I wrote for him goes

You are my littlest boy

you bring me so much joy

I never thought I'd have you

now I can't live without you.