March 11th: One Year Later

 A year ago today I was at work. We started the shift joking about how "the terrible virus" everyone was concerned about. Nurses are well none cynics. It takes a lot to impress us and as pediatric nurses we had been dealing with forms of the coronavirus forever. How much worse could this strain be? I remember multiple people had spring break disney world trips plans that there were only vaguely concerned they might have to cancel. As each hour passed something else unbelievable happened. I went about my day, doing my job, as the world actively crumbled around us. This was the day The World Health Organization officially declared COVID a pandemic, the stock market crashed, Broadway shut down, the United States closed it's borders, and at the end of the day the OKC Thunder game was abruptly cancelled right before tip off. I worked one more shift after that before being cancelled for three months straight. 

I came home to children who were about to go on spring break the following week. They had heard murmings from teachers and friends that spring break might be extended for a week due to a virus that was spreading. They had questions and I had no answers. The news was coming fast and the reality of the situation was changing rapidly. I remember feeling like I was in a daydream or maybe nightmare. There was a lot of talk of staying home for two weeks to flatten the curve. Thus began our pandemic journey a year ago. 

Those memories feel like yesterday and like a complete life time ago. I cannot wrap my mind around how much life has changed in the past year. I cannot begin to process all that we went through. I cannot begin to tell you how many tears were shed in this house by all the family members. I have never experienced such uncertainty for so long. There were no right answers, there were no easy choices, there were no good choices, there were no scientific facts. It was a year of chaos and fear that brought out everyone's true colors. In some cases this brought out beauty, kindness, and compassion. In some cases it brought out selfishness, greed, and complete and utter lack of compassion for anyone other than yourself. 

The past year felt like a roller coaster. When I look back on it I remember feeling like anytime we got into a rhythm and maybe began to let our guard down, or catch our breath, some earth shattering change would be thrown our way. I can't even remember what all the bumps in the road were, but I remember having this conversation over and over. Just when we start to get into a routine everything would change again and until the past month or so, none of those changes made anything better or easier. Living in this constant state of fear and stress really took a toll on all of us. We are all changed forever and I'm not sure we will fully understand the extent of how we've all changed for years to come. 

Today I woke up feeling very emotional about this one year mark. There were months in the past year where I was not sure I would see March again. Healthy people were dying by the thousands, I took no day for granted. Sitting in the car line with Rowan this morning we talked about the first days of quarantine when it seemed like we were embarking on this adventure together at home that might last a month or so at the most. We listened to songs that remind us of the early days of quarantine, the songs we listened too everyday during our morning exercise time. The Spotify playlist titled Apocalypse Playlist housed these songs, the ones I  listened to as I sat alone by the lake crying out of the sight of my children, as I faced the reality of what was happening in the world. 

The boys have been back in school four days a week for a couple weeks now. They are used to wearing masks or gators, a thing they had never done a day in their lives at this point last year. They can show you how far six feet is, no problem. If people start to come close to them they back away now, instinctively. They ask for hand sanitizer after going in stores or anytime they get in the car. They know the proper way to wash their hands to make sure the fronts, backs, and fingertips get covered thoroughly, for a solid twenty seconds. They can name multiple songs that you can sing to make sure you've washed them long enough.They don't hug their teachers or friends. They are remind their friends to put their masks on, touch elbows instead of high fiving, and they know words like quarantine and social distancing now. Their world looks different now and the before times will barely even be a memory to Thatcher. 

The world turned upside down and in the midst of that our little family grew closer. We worked through every emotion, every fear, every nightmarish new development. We held close to each other, loss after loss. As everything fun was quickly stripped away from us, day after day, month after month we came together to mourn and make new traditions. We found ways to celebrate at home, just the five of us. We found joy in the midst of the scariest days and for that I will be forever proud. There were some horrific parenting days, but there were also days when Zach and I found a way to walk our children through their worst fears, reassuring them without lying to them. They learned that nothing here is promised and that is terrifying, but you keep going. They learned that through their hardest, saddest days, their family will be there for them, no matter what. 

I found myself tearing up today at random times, whether it was a song, or when the boys came home from school, excited about spring break. They did this last year too and then they didn't return back to school that year. Zach got his first shot yesterday, the last person in the family to get vaccinated feels like a huge milestone and I could just weep when I think about how long we waited for this day, all we gave up, all we went through. I went to Walgreens to pick up my medicine and noticed the person behind me in line was on oxygen. Then I look at the car beside me, they were also on oxygen, and tears sprang to my eyes. The effects of this pandemic are everywhere, in  ways we can't even imagine. I know that as hard as this year was for my family we are the absolute best case scenario. We didn't lose anyone, we didn't get sick, we all kept our jobs, we lost experiences and things that use to seem important, but through it all we were so very fortunate. 

This evening I put all the baseball games into my calendar. This time last year I was deleting all the games as the season had been postponed/cancelled. This year my calendar is filling up while last year my calendar was cleared out completely. It's such a strange feeling and I continue to remind myself to be grateful for every single thing we get to do this year, not frustrated or annoyed by how busy we are. We experienced it all going away and I pray we enjoy every second of it returning. While Zane was at baseball practice Zane, Thatcher and I celebrated! We cheered and took selfies. I read a book by a fire, my absolute favorite hobby over this past year. We planned our trip to Missouri to see Grammi and Papa for the first time in almost a year a half. We looked at our spring flowers and felt surrounded by hope and happiness for the first time in a long time.

We made it!!!!

Pandemic Update: Back to School

The boys started back to school four days a week the Monday after Rowan's birthday. This felt like a big shift, or turn in the road of this pandemic journey. The numbers across the state are steadily decreasing as the number of people vaccinated continues to rise. When we found out they were going to be going back four days I was initially extremely anxious about it, but by the time the actual day rolled around I felt much better about. I felt like it was most likely safe for the children and took comfort in knowing the teachers were at least starting to have vaccines made available to them.

The weekend before they went back the boys were an absolute ball of emotions. They would be excited for a few hours then I'd turn around they'd be crying about how scared they were about going back to school. They both were concerned about how many people were going to be in their class, how their friends don't always wear their masks, and not knowing which kids are going to be in their class from the B group. Neither of them were too excited about actually having to do school work all day long either. These kids haven't been to a full day of school, for more than two days at a time, for almost a year. They have settled into their routines at home, for better or for worse. I am not confident they have learned anything during their virtual learning days, but they have gotten use to this schedule and they have gotten use to having a lot of free time to do whatever they want. I am not overly concerned about any of this, but it not ideal. They learned lots of life lessons and have ultimately survived, but I'm not sure academically they have taken in a lot of knowledge. So adding two more days at school each week was a definitely going to be a big adjustment.

Zane had his own set of fears around the whole thing that he wasn't really able to put into words until Sunday night. He kept saying he didn't want to get up at six everyday because he was going to be so tired. This is all true, but also Zane never sleeps past six forty five or seven so it wasn't going to be that big of a change in my mind. Zane was weepy all weekend, stressed out about all sorts of things. Then that Sunday evening we were making dinner and he got pickle juice in his eye. He fell into a puddle of tears and the real truth came out, "I am scared of being tired because when I get really tired I get scared that my heart isn't working." And in that moment my heart broke a little. I totally get this. Anytime Zane tells me he's tired this is the gut reaction that I have and I have to remind myself he is just actually tired from getting up early it's fine. I had never really thought about how to him the physical feeling of being tired must be so scary. That was really the only symptom he had before his last surgery so that physical feeling must be terrifying. Add that on top of his fears about getting sick or bringing germs on to his parents and the poor kid was an emotional wreck.

The first week of school went as well as can be expected. They were both excited to get to sit by their favorite people in their classes. They were happy to go to specials four days and they had nothing to say about their actual learning activities. I assume they are learning things, but they have no desire to tell me anything about it. This is a real weird switch to get use to. I went from being in charge of all their assignments and knowing everything they are doing for the past year, to "yeah, school was fine." Their biggest issue so far has been the utter exhaustion of physically being at school all day, four days a week. By the time Zane gets home from school he can hardly function as a human because he is just so tired. Zane's go to emotion, for all feelings, is anger. His exhaustion comes out at yelling, arguing, picking fights, and frequently, down right physical violence. I understand that his rage all stems from exhaustion, but it doesn't make this any easier to deal with. Rowan is also tired, but all his issues/emotions come out as tears. Tears about everything and of course his brother screaming at him doesn't mesh with this well.

You can see the joy in Rowan's face in this photo.

My biggest issue with the new school routine was the car lines. It took me a solid two hours to get everyone picked up from school in the afternoons. The lines are longer now that everyone is there and it was just insanity. After two weeks of wasting my entire afternoon in my car we reverted back to our old plan of Zane riding to and from school with a teacher who lives in our neighborhood. This lady also brings Rowan home, so that just leaves me to take Rowan in the morning. We're thinking he might ride the bus in the morning as well. It's nice to have that time back, but it does just leave Thatcher and I home by ourselves each day to do nothing. We have been going to the park a lot, playing with Alice and Worth, and I'm still trying to work on letters/numbers but he has no desire to learn anything now that brothers are gone. The days are long and I feel like I should be able to accomplish so much now that they are gone, but turns out that I am not getting tons of things done. I'm entertaining a three year old and just am not as motivated to do all the things when the house is empty. Our evenings are filling back up with baseball practices so there are a lot of days when it's just Thatcher and I all day, except the hour and a half the boys are home eating dinner and getting ready to leave.

As much as they drove me crazy for months I have found that I do miss them being home all the time. I don't miss the fighting and arguing over school, but I miss having time to do fun things together after the school fights were over. I miss them being able to play with Thatcher, who is missing his built in playmates dearly. I miss getting spend time with them when they aren't exhausted and totally drained from their days. The past few afternoons/evenings it has been fights and tears the entire time they are home then it's bedtime. Then I work Friday and Saturday so miss the days when the are home and happy. I know it's a big change that will take a while to get use to, but we are definitely having some growing pains with it right now. There is one more week of school then it's spring break, when we will finally get to go to Missouri. 

It feels like I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and now it's all about getting Zach vaccinated so we can feel more comfortable returning to some sort of normal life. It's a wonderful feeling to have good news to read no days. It is such a welcome change after this past year.