Recently on the Ten Things to tell you podcast there was an episode entitled ten things to write down in this historic moment. I've been sitting with the questions for a little bit. I won't write them all here, but there were a few that seems like great memory and history keeping.
What do you remember about March 2020?
The overall feeling that I remember from March is absolute disbelief. The reality that was hitting the country seemed completely impossible. I was just getting over being sick for a month. I barely had a voice, I'd just returned back to work the second week in March and then the world crumbled. I remember things changing by the minute, things closing and being cancelled every hour, until there was nothing left open. Things you could never imagine being cancelled in March, like professional sporting events and school, now seem almost unbelievable that they ever happened in the first place. I can't imagine them ever happening again. The mind switch has been quick, it's been painful, and it's been nonstop for the past eight months.
The biggest different between March and now is I remember feeling hope in March. I remember thinking it would last a couple weeks, maybe at most a couple months, then things would be under control and life would return to "normal." I foolishly rested my hopes on the nations leaders to get us through this national crisis. That is what has always happened previously in the two hundred and forty four years of this country. There has always been tragedy and despair, horrible acts of terrorism, great wars, and in all these previous times the nation turned to it's leaders to help them through it. The leaders gathered the greatest minds in the world, not always people who agreed politically, but the greatest minds and found the best, safest way forward to rescue the nation, to win the war, to find the terrorist and bring them to justice, and on an on and on. I remember the unity we had as a country after 911, no matter your political party. That unity and a sense of any form leadership was what ended up being missing from this great, possibly greatest, tragedy in American history.
There was a brief month or two of national unity as we all sheltered in place, but it quickly disappeared as it became clear no help was coming and we were in this for the long hall. No one was gathering the greatest minds to work day and night to find a solution. There were no great summits or tasks forces being formed with the countries leading physicians and scientist. We weren't welcoming foreign aid or support. As the "leaders" did nothing hundreds of thousands of Americans died and all sense of hope, or an end to this nightmare began to vanish before our eyes. March felt hopeful. I don't feel that way anymore.
How did COVID change your year?
Books will be written on this very subject for decades to come. The short answer is every single activity, emotion, thought, and moment of the past nine months was changed by COVID. The way we do every last thing has been changed. The sheer amount of brain space it takes to filter every decision you're making through the lens of "is this safe, is this activity something that is worth potentially dying for, is this the responsible choice" is the most exhausting thing I've ever been through. It is never ending and it is made much more difficult when you feel that the majority of society isn't using this filter at all.
We've gone nowhere and done nothing for a solid year, yet have never spent so much time together. We haven't seen Zach's family since last Christmas and we're unsure when we'll be able to see them again. We don't go to stores anymore, our groceries show up at our doorstep now. We rarely went out to eat before, but I can count on one hand the times we've been this year. We missed birthdays and celebrations of all kinds. The holidays feel dangerous as you think about people gathering in large groups. This use to be something that was coined the reason for the season, but now it feels scary.
My kids are almost halfway through the school year and it feels like they've only been to the building a handful of times. They have missed field trips, parties, assemblies, choir, and every other fun thing that usually goes along with school. There are no hugs from their teachers and friends when they are there. Everyone's little faces covered with mask and staying away from each other. They don't ride the bus or play with friends and as of last week they will be doing virtual school for the rest of this semester at least. No one can come to our house, there are no sleepovers, or birthday parties to attend. We haven't been to church since the beginning of March and it feels like one of those things that I'm not sure will ever feel safe doing again. The list of how life as we knew it has been changed goes on and on.
What do your days look like nine months later?
Until nine months ago I put exactly zero thought in a "routine" for our days. We just went to where we needed to go, work, school, sports, ect, then came home, ate dinner, did the dishes, showers/baths, read books, watched tv, then went to bed. Rinse repeat with different activities everyday. The routine of our life had always involved, for the most part, things happening outside of our house. If we wanted to have a family activity or day of fun, it involved leaving our house and going somewhere else, whether that was to a family member's house, to see friends, to the zoo, or a museum, but somewhere else. There was just schedules to keep, doctor's appointments to go to, field trips, parent teacher conferences, games, parties, and on and on. Looking back on it I cannot believe there were days where I as home with no children. So many things that were completely ordinary last year are unbelievable now.
Fast forward nine months I am constantly thinking about and tweaking our daily schedule to try to find things that help make the days go smoother. For a long time we did exercise time first thing in the morning, then we drifted away from that as the morning got colder and moved exercise time to mid afternoon so we could still do it outside. Now that the kids are fully virtual and we are back to being fully locked down, not seeing family or friends at all, we are home everyday. We start school between eight and nine. I have resisted the urge to make designated times for certain subjects, which is how I would want to have our days scheduled, and instead have tried to give the boys some choices about when to do what during their day. They take frequent breaks, to play with Thatcher, go outside, play piano, or do something that isn't school. Lunch is early, between eleven and twelve, then when Thatcher takes a nap the big boys tackle their harder subjects since I can give them undivided attention.
My goal is to have school done by two or three, including the extra things that have been added over the past month or two for each child. We've added spelling words for both and extra reading comprehension for Rowan, along with reading time, all things that months later we still argue about everyday. We've changed our school to do lists to things they can do unsupervised and things that they have to have me sit with them to do. As new material has been introduced the more I have needed to try to actually help teach them the material, with mixed results. Everything needs to be looked at before they turn in it so I can see if they are understanding what is being taught. I am not confident they are learning anything, but that is where we are right now.
The evenings and weekends are just a continual struggle to find new ways to have fun, at our house. We've never been more creative about things to do at home. Don't get me wrong we watch a lot of movies, especially with it getting dark earlier and with it being colder, but we've also come up with all sorts of fun things to do that we would have never thought of if we weren't forced to be home. Nine months later we don't have grand themes for our activities like we did in the first months of this, but sometimes we still come up with new fun ideas like table top game tournaments with the air hockey and foosball tables that we've gotten over the past few months.
Our days are long and usually emotionally draining. My children have faced disappointment after disappointment. They have lost so much, not the least of which is social interaction with other children. They miss their friends. They miss having neighborhood kids over to play. I hate all of that for them. Some days their losses are harder to handle. Some days my losses are harder to handle. There are still, nine months later, a lot of tears shed over what we've been through and how far we still have to go. The days at home, are exhausting even though we are technically doing nothing.
The other big difference from the beginning of this is that I no longer can be cancelled. The new policy of the hospital system as a whole is that no nurses are to be cancelled, every staff available is to be utilized, somehow, whether at children's or the adult tower. This has come with huge anxiety for me as I literally have no idea what I will be doing at work from one day to the next. I've spent a lot of time n the NICU, which is great. I get to do my actual job as a nurse. Then there are days that I am a sitter, or work at the door to the hospital checking people's temperatures, and I have been sent to the adult tower to help the nurses there. I can't take patients there so I am just doing all the disgusting things they don't have time for. I have thought about changing jobs, I have thought about working less, I have cried my eyes out trying to figure out what the best decision is. So our days nine months later I would say are harder than at the beginning when at least I was able to be safe at home.
What toll has 2020 taken?
I am not sure we will truly know the the toll this year has taken until we're fully on the other side of it. I know it's taken a toll on relationship, both because of forced distance, but also from the differing in opinions about what is and isn't safe. The true colors of people really shine through in a crisis. What are people willing to sacrifice for your safety or for the safety of those less fortunate than them? What minor inconveniences will someone withstand and which one's will they throw a huge fit about even when these small things could save lives. People's reactions to these things have been extremely telling and in some cases disheartening. It's been eye opening to see what people were willing, or not willing, to do to help their fellow man. There are a lot of friendships/acquaintances that I feel completely different about now than I did this time last year based on how they have responded, or refused to respond, to this pandemic.
There is also the toll that living in a constant state of fear/stress/anxiety takes on a person's body. Me personally that generally translates into weight gain, which it definitely did this year. That's disappointing and frustrating, but I have given myself a lot of grace on that front. The long term effects on that stress level for everyone, my children included, we probably won't fully understand for awhile.
I shutter to think of the toll on my children. There are the obvious things like, they probably haven't learned everything they were supposed to learn in school these past nine moths. Then there are the deeper things. How does growing up during a pandemic, when every single thing becomes scary, affect a child? How does having parents who are at their maximum stress capacity affect a child? How does facing the reality of everyone's mortality at such as young age change their thinking about the world? My hope and prayer is that it teaching them perspective, resilience, and a deep gratitude for all they once took for granted, but I do worry about
What beauty has been revealed?
So much beauty has been revealed this year amongst the fire. My children have formed a hopefully unbreakable bond between each other. Their love runs deep, even though they annoy each other and take out their frustrations and emotions on one another. Over the past few months they have become accustom to doing nothing and finding their own joy. This has resulted in finding the beauty in the simplest things. The best example of this was our weekend at the cabin, in the middle of winter, with no activities planned, no outings, no plans for any entertainment besides board games, books, and movies. We had the best weekend doing absolutely nothing. As parents we were alright with them watching TV for long portions of the day and we balanced it out with games around a table and short adventures outside. We sat by a fire, we wondered in the woods, we did nothing, and everyone had a blast. This is a miracle that would literally never happened in years prior. I loved every minute of it. There are a lot of examples like this, finding joy in the smallest things is the most beautiful things that has been revealed to me this year.
What have you learned?
I have learned, again and again and again, that I can do so many hard things I could've never imagined and the same can be said for my children. At this point I could tell my children anything and they would be like, "okay mom we'll deal with it." They have taken it all in stride. I've learned the importance of communicating honestly with everyone in our family. Family meetings have been a game changer this year, as a way to reset, and get everyone on the same page. I have learned that I need time alone, stillness, and preferably nature to remain sane. I need quiet to find my center again and turns out I had to search and fight for that in my house this year. I've learned I have a decent fear of dying and leaving my children here to grow up without me. I've learned a lot about completely my stress cycle and helping my children complete theirs so we don't all live at a constant state of horrible stress that always ends badly. I've learned that a lot of the things I thought we couldn't live without doing we really could easily live without doing. Our priorities as a family have become crystal clear this year. I've learned over and over that I wouldn't want to do any of this with anyone other than Zach. All sorts of wonderful lessons have popped up this year that would not been made so clear if we weren't in this crazy time.
What do you care about the most right now?
Currently my top priority is keeping myself and my family healthy. As the numbers spiked here I doubled down on not wanting to be the person who exposes someone I love this takes on a new found urgency and importance to me right now. I work at a hospital and know that that is probably the highest risk activity that any of us is doing. I do not want that on my head. We have not come this far, gotten this close to a vaccine, to then let our guard down and I unknowingly expose everyone to this virus. We've been through so much, we've survived it, don't let all that be for nothing. I desperately miss people, family, and friends, but I can miss them for awhile if that means it keeps them here awhile longer. I know people think I'm being overly dramatic, but literally hundreds of thousands of people are heading into the holidays with empty chairs at their tables. People who had plans for holidays aren't here anymore. But by the grace of God and our diligence to do the right, safe thing, goes me and my family.
Everything was set out and ready by 8:30pm. Usually they stay up much later on Christmas Eve, but I feel like everyone was ready to go to bed so Santa could come this year.
