Halfway Through 2020

When we drive home from Missouri over Christmas break each year Zach and I always talk about what we think the next year will hold for us. I remember having this conversation on the drive home in December 2017. We tried to think of what could possibly happen and we couldn't come up with a thing. Fast forward two months and our child was in heart failure. We spent the rest of the year in fear and dread as we faced that journey. December 2018, I remember being terrified to start a new year, just absolutely dreading what unforeseen horrors might await us in 2019, assuming that it would be worst than the previous year. 2019 turned out to be a great year. There were no terrible unforeseen events, there was no reason for dread. Last year, on our way home I felt that sense of dread creep up again. I know, most people see a new year as a new possibility, a clean slate. I should try that outlook, but that's just not how it feels to me.

So in December, as we drove home, we once again racked our brain. What things could happen this year? We went over the financial stuff, the medical stuff, jobs, schools, sports, all of it, and on paper it seemed like 2020 should be great. It was a new decade. We were closing in on ten years of parenting. We were both settled in our jobs, things were going well.  Never in a million years could we have imagined what was in store for us as a family, a country, and a world in this new year and new decade. It's just unbelievable to think back on.

I started the year off getting sicker than I might have ever been in February, this after all my children had the flu, sometimes multiple times, in December and January. We had already missed birthdays and school events with illnesses so it felt like our quarantine really started in January. I was sick through all of February and the first part of March, missing Alice and Abbey's birthday celebrations, while barely sneaking in Rowan's while I wasn't feeling great. I recently have started working on my year in review book for our fourteenth wedding anniversary and looking back on the pictures from last year and the beginning of this year genuinely feels like a lifetime ago, in another world. We were out at events, gathered in groups, faces fully out in the open, not in abject fear, wondering what the next day, week, or month might bring.

 As we rounded into March our calendars began to fill up with end of the year activities and baseball games/practices. Just as we started to brace ourselves for what is usually the busiest, craziest time of our year the world came to a screeching halt.

This was our weekly in for the last week of March. This calendar is usually filled up with practices, games, work, and school activities.

This was jarring. It was terrifying and it took weeks to find our new rhythm. It took weeks of fighting the urge to go to a store, to see go see family, go to the gym, go to church, or leave the house for any reason. I was restless and stressed, as was everyone else in world. But during this time there was a great sense of unity. Everyone was on the same page. We were all in this together, even though it really felt like there was no clear leadership on the state or national level. Businesses, schools, entertainment industry, and sports teams took the lead, shutting down all the places where people could gather. Everything shut down, everyone was at home, everyone was trying to teach their children, everyone was missing their family. All our feeds were full of the quarantine photos, part of this big shared, group experience and sacrifice for the better good.

 There were no choices in this matter.  This time was unbelievably hard and stressful. It was confusing and scary and the unknown ahead was just a lot to deal with. Every member of the family was working through a huge amount of emotions and feelings. However, during this time I held out some hope that America would come through and do it's thing. The thing where we pull together, do the right thing, listen to brilliant scientists, find a plan, be the leaders of the free world, and then save the day. We just needed to weather the storm for a little bit then all would be back to normal again soon.

We are now three months into this pandemic and currently I feel like we are just in a tail spin with no end in sight, no leadership, no plan, the numbers are getting astronomically worse each week, and we as a country are now arguing about just basic science. The thing that could actually help decrease the spread of the this virus (people wearing masks in public) has now, somehow, become a political statement. People would literally rather potentially kill people than be seen as agreeing with their political opponents. I thought the first six weeks or so were really bad, almost impossible to bear, but this new phase, where anything goes and we just pretend it isn't happening is much much worse.

I end most days feeling like I'm living in the twilight zone or like I'm taking crazy pills. We're being told the things we see are not really happening. We're being told that the science that is just obvious facts of life, that I live and work with everyday, isn't true. These messages aren't just coming from random far out websites or conspiracy theorists, these messages are coming from the highest offices in government. They are coming from the people making the policies and allocating the funding for the services that we so desperately need in the time of national crisis. As a healthcare professional I'm having to have these debates with patient's families and it is simultaneously both absolutely maddening and terrifying.

In the beginning I assumed by June and July things would have calmed down and the plans for the fall would be everyone goes back to school, even if that schooling had to look a little bit different. I was ready to buy some masks and donate a bunch of Clorox wipes, but they'd be going back to school for sure. I just had to make it through the summer. Now we're halfway through this year and I have ended every night, for the past week, in a borderline panic attack about what to do in August. Our school district has come out with a very comprehensive plan that includes three different options for schooling in the fall. All on campus, all at home, or a mixture of both. The decision is now ours to make and I literally have no idea what we should do. I go round and round in my head until I fall into a very restless sleep, full of nightmares of various kinds, mostly involving being getting sick and dying or being locked in our house with these children forever.

I am exhausted. Parenting is not going well. I have no patience with my children and they have no patience with me. They miss their friends, they miss their teachers, they miss doing fun things outside of our house. They miss their normal lives and all the time they've spent with their brothers have lead to downright hate each other. None of us have a creative bone left in our bodies. There are no fun themed nights anymore, no weeks learning about some random thing they are interested in. There is no enthusiasm on anyone's part, least of all me, as I face down the possibility of having to actually teach them new subjects. 

I cannot over state how much I DO NOT want to be in charge of their education. It does not go well. With that being said that is a real life possibility now, which leads me down all the rabbit holes of how does this effect them long term. Will Rowan be held back because I can't get his reading and spelling where it needs to be? Will Zane bomb the state tests next year after having costs through his schooling for a year. Will we end up killing each other? Will Zane's super extroverted soul be broken and crushed to pieces if I tell him he's not going to go to school with his friends next year? That last one might be my biggest concern, as silly as that is. 

So we've survived the first half of the year 2020 and that is no small thing. Literally tens of thousands of people have not. We've weathered six months of storms. And by storms I mean six months of fights, fits, emotional breakdowns, boredom filled rage, tears of uncertainty, disappointment, loss, fear, and mourning all that once was. I'm happy to report that at the halfway point of the craziest year on record my husband and I love each other more. We're not tired of each other or wanting to kill each other. We're struggling with the humans we've created, but we solidly still love each other. I'm learning to stay firmly in the present, firmly in this exact moment. I'm learning how to put lots of boundaries on my social media usage and participation as all of social media feels like a hellscape right now. I'm learning how to walk the fine line between trying to stay somewhat informed (which for the first few weeks of this I couldn't do at all) and not letting so much in that it breaks my brain. This is a work in progress, but it's an important skill for 2020.

Lastly, I just keep coming back to the word grace, which for sure is my word for this year, and again could've never guess that going into the year. I am continually reminding myself to just give everyone so much grace. Myself, my children, my family, my coworkers, my patience, their families, leaders, and private citizens. Everyone needs some grace and rest right now. I would be lying if I said I wasn't terrified about the second half of 2020. I am down right petrified of what comes next. But I'm taking it one moment at a time. God willing we'll make it through the next six months and have brighter days ahead.